37th Annual You Are So Nashville If …

Since 1989, without fail, the Scene’s annual “You Are So Nashville If …” issue has ranked among our most popular. No matter the state of federal and local politics, no matter the issues or discourse of the day — when it’s time to submit YASNI entries, Nashvillians show up. We like to think that’s because Nashvillians, and Scene readers, have a pretty solid sense of humor about themselves. 

For our 37th annual YASNI issue, we once again asked readers to complete the iconic phrase “You are so Nashville if …” As ever, certain themes popped up again and again among our hundreds of submissions. People love to reference Dolly Parton and cowboy boots. Very consistent themes in recent years have included the ubiquity of bachelorettes and skyrocketing housing costs — “You can’t afford to live here anymore” has been a recurring entry every year for the past half-decade.

This year, our contestants chimed in on ICE raids, the Nashville International Airport, the Tennessee Titans’ forthcoming stadium, Bonnaroo, property taxes and Vanderbilt’s goal posts. There were mentions of Mayor Freddie O’Connell, scandal-ensconced politicians Andy Ogles and Glen Casada, and the forthcoming ABC series 9-1-1: Nashville, which is currently filming here in town. What topic saw more entries than any other? With a whopping 52 submissions, that trophy goes to Ed the Zebra, the Rutherford County equine who made national headlines after running rampant in Middle Tennessee for more than a week. Congrats, Ed.

As always, the Scene’s editorial team combed through all the submissions, and after a daylong meeting, we narrowed down our list to the most funny, original and incisive. Below find our first-, second-, third- and fourth-place winners and our honorable mentions, along with everything else that made the cut. We even threw in a handful of Weirdies — the entries that don’t make a lick of sense. 

Dive into this year’s entries, accompanied by excellent illustrations from artist Cole Roberts. Thanks for submitting, and thanks for reading. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

First Place

You’re on track to have more football stadiums than Super Bowl appearances.  —Allison Damratoski

About the Winner

Allison Damratoski works at an independently owned pharmacy in West Nashville, and she’s been a self-admitted fair-weather Titans fan since the team first moved to Nashville in the late 1990s — though she admits she doesn’t go to quite as many games as she used to.

“The whole issue with the new stadium was a hot topic in my household this year,” she tells the Scene, “and I figured that there would be quite a few submissions about that one.

Born and raised in Franklin, Damratoski says she “would never claim a Nashville unicorn title” — alluding to the term often used in reference to current Nashvillians born within the city limits. Still, she’s been in Middle Tennessee for most of her life, save a handful of years in college in Birmingham, Ala.  

“Living in Alabama for six years kind of forces you to pay attention to football.”

About the “You Are So Nashville If …” contest, she says she feels like she’s finally hitting her stride. Last year, three of her entries — all of which were about the airport — made it into the issue. Like a lot of YASNI entrants, Damratoski keeps a running list of ideas for entries. Oddly enough, she gets a lot of her best ideas when she’s traveling to other cities. 

“That’s when you really start to pick up on what makes Nashville Nashville,” she explains. “You know, every big city’s got traffic and construction,” Damratoski says. “but I try to jot down the things that are true to Nashville when it comes to this contest.” —LAURA HUTSON HUNTER

Second Place

You think the high prices on Lower Broadway are due to the guitariffs. —Jim Flautt and Wade Munday

Third Place

You can’t immediately tell if the Carhartt/mullet profile pic comes with a matcha latte and a tote bag or a Bud Light and a red hat. —Ashley Haskins

Fourth Place

Nothing in this world makes you as mad as a Belle Meade resident gets at the thought of building a sidewalk. —Stephen Yeargin

Honorable Mentions

You met your spouse in the YouTube Live chat of a tornado warning. —Jesse Case

You’re sick of all these old buildings downtown getting turned into celebrity-owned bars and just want to go back to a simpler time when we just turned old churches into strip clubs. —Keith Heim

Your Uber driver was the Head of Cancer Research at Vanderbilt last month. —Jesse Case

You know the difference between Lolu, Lulo, Lola, Babu, and Babo. —Rachel Kramer

You think Robert Altman’s Nashville doesn’t seem chaotic enough anymore. —Joseph Rapolla

You believe the Nashville International Airport should be renamed for Dolly Parton because it would be a shame for a signature phrase like “Departin’ D. Parton” to go to waste. —Stacy Harris

You’ve used Belcourt popcorn as a meal replacement. —Patrick Reilly

You celebrated Casada’s guilty verdict at Party Fowl. —Bob Vogt

Metropolis texts you when you leave your driveway each morning with a receipt. —Chuck Arnold

You fight ChatGPT over primary songwriting credit. —Ken Lass

You used to buy coke off a guy named Skinny Dennis. —Heather Scudder

You worry it’s too late to admit you’re not sure who Sean Brock is. —Rachel Scott

Your congressperson doesn’t live within 50 miles of your house. —Mike Montgomery

Andy Ogles leading an investigation is more surprising than him being the subject of one. —Stephen Yeargin

You renamed your student loan account “Campaign Finance” just in case Andy Ogles wanted to make another honest mistake. —Ashley Haskins

When you hold up a piece of the goal post to your ear, you can hear the Cumberland River. —Angela Gimlin

And the rest:

Even the bachelorette mural artists don’t believe in Nashville anymore. —Andy Gasparini

You got more calls from the Metro Alert system this year than from people wanting to buy your house. —Jamie Yost

The only time your congressman pays attention to your city is when he wants to pick on the mayor. —Drew Maynard

Your mayor’s in trouble with the pro-life folks for supporting basic human rights. —Chase Stejskal

Metropolis charged you for parking in your own driveway. —Kenneth Blankenship

 You wait in longer lines for pancakes than voting. —Jesse Case

You’d rather have half the Tennessee General Assembly than half the Metro Council. —Stephen Yeargin

The violinist in your baroque ensemble won the Grammy for Bluegrass Album of the Year. —Francis Perry

You’re stocking up like a doomsday prepper for the incoming hemp and THC restrictions. —Sarah Denson

You can explain in detail that the main difference between THC and THCa is that THCa only gets you high if you burn it. —Nate Griffin

You were going for a Will Levi’s joke but just couldn’t hit the target. —Jamie Yost

You hit your daily step goal walking to your rideshare at BNA. —Joseph Rapolla 

You’re looking forward to BNA’s new Departures Drop-Off Point in Mt. Juliet. —Andy Gasparini

You think the Bart Durham International Airport has a nice ring to it. —Amanda Wilmoth

You put BNA carpet in your house. —Joseph Rapolla

Your favorite dive bar was founded three months ago by a venture capital group. —Jesse Case

The keyboard player at your church is on tour with Post Malone. —Allison Damratoski

You stole several “Save the Boulevard” signs and placed them around Old Hickory. —Mike Dorr 

You have a “Save the Boulevard” sign in your front yard, but you live in Antioch. —Ray Shelide

You don’t know your neighbors, but you are a Friend of Belle Meade Boulevard. —Jim Flautt

Your Congress members spend all their time dumping on Nashville while enjoying the sweet tax revenue we generate. —Rick Ewing

Your local weather anchors regularly have to work 72-hour shifts. —Keith Heim

The only time you go down Broadway is when Vandy beats Bama. —Sarah Smith

You’ve four-starred the location of the Vanderbilt Goal Posts in the Cumberland River. —Andy Gasparini

Vanderbilt Football being the highlight of the Nashville sports world last year tells you just how bad things got. —Stephen Yeargin

You’ve bought new furniture for your tornado shelter. —Patrick Reilly

You stock your downstairs bathroom with beer during tornado season. —Joseph Rapolla

You blew your entire Xanax prescription on @NashSevereWx’s spring coverage. —Ashley Haskins

You have a NashSevereWx tattoo. —Drew Maynard

Your AA sponsor has a Grammy. —Michael Robertson

You think reading Advice King counts as therapy. —Jim Flautt

The Gulf of Antioch has a nice ring to it. —Leslie Hales

You know where the one remaining Shoney’s in town is. —Cletis Carr

Now you’re just trying to beat Andy Gasparini for number of entries published. —Jamie Yost 

You look at the list of potential 2026 gubernatorial candidates the same way you would a Whitman’s Sampler filled with cat turds. —Andy Gasparini 

You’re property taxes are too high and your favorite alt-weekly’s font is too fucking small. —Willie Hall

You know what the “D.” in D. Patrick Rodgers stands for. —Manda Hackney 

You’ve lost friends over your choice of meat-and-three. —Brian Mackey

Your nightmares are of Phil Williams and his microphone. —Sarah Smith

You weren’t sure who to root against in the Swan Ball-Cheekwood lawsuit. —Jim Flautt

You needed directions to Swan Ball this year. —Jeremy Nagoshiner 

It’s high time we bring back the Swine Ball. —Trent Hanner

Every time you drive down I-24, you boldly assume the role of War Boy on Fury Road. —Cara Dorris 

You suggest visitors go to the West End Chili’s. —Lesley Paone

You have dined at the famous West End Chili’s. —Sara Meissner 

You tell visitors the best restaurant in the city is the West End Chili’s. —Matt Trask

Spirit Halloween is eyeing the vacant new construction on your street. —Joseph Rapolla 

You have an alarm notification at midnight in hopes of getting a reservation at Kase. —Leslie Hales

You think Jon Bon Jovi should lead Metro emergency dispatch. —Patrick Reilly

You miss the good old days when you could buy a pardon or a used car from Ray Blanton. —Steve Wolf

You’ve named the speed bumps on your street after state legislators. —Mike Montgomery

You clutch your pearls over a speed cushion but roll through a four-way stop like it’s a roundabout. —Molly Hornbuckle

You’re sure Whey Jennings preferred a different stage name but thought Curds was already taken. —Stacy Harris

Your kid’s private school tuition increased by exactly $7,500 this year. —Keith Heim 

You would rather die of heat stroke than hire Lee Company to fix your AC. —Keith Heim

You already know ICE at Opryland is sponsored by the governor’s office this year. —Joe Souter 

You know that “There are ICE agents on Broadway” isn’t a code for a bachelor party handing out Smirnoff Ice near Tootsie’s. —Ashley Haskins

You were worried the ICE problem on Broadway meant they were serving warm beer. —Nate Griffin

The patrons of your bar on the weekend are the same people who conduct immigration raids on it the following week. —Randal Cooper

Karaoke night has a rehearsal. —Alex Lucas

The most authentic Italian restaurant you’ve been to is in Columbia, Tenn. —Andrea Spencer

Wellness Spas are the new Smoke Shops. —Leslie Hales

You don’t take the bus because to do so would damper the objectivity of your critique of a public transportation system of which you’ve yet to avail yourself. —Willie Hall

You complain about the lack of public transport but never even Google the bus. —Ruby Bevington 

You think the Predators off-season spending could have subsidized the transit plan. —Ian Dinkins

You wish the Thunder From Down Under was the start of underground transit and not a male strip show. —Leslie Hales

On November 6, 2024, you used the words “bright side” and “transit referendum” in the same sentence at least five times. —KeShawn Ivory

You’re glad we finally got that Transit thing solved. —Andy Gasparini

You want to know where Glen Casada gets his coke. —Ashley Haskins 

You’re anxiously awaiting Robert Altman’s Nashville to be turned into a cosplay bar on Lower Broad. —Kevin Walters

Your granny used to babysit the Bang This Twins. —Heather Scudder

You got selfies with both Jim Cantore and Reed Timmer this year. —Keith Heim

Glen Casada’s corruption trial happening right before the YASNI submission window opened made you weirdly nostalgic for the 2019 contest entries. —Sarah Smith 

Interstate traffic is 9 mph but you’re happy it’s even moving. —Chris Jones

You know where the I-24 potholes are by heart. —Joseph Patrick

Maybe we should rename town hall meetings to “illegal immigrants in the area” so Marsha Blackburn will actually show up. —Ashley Haskins

You are enjoying the last few peaceful evenings before Marsha Blackburn starts buying television ads. —Stephen Yeargin

Ugh. Now you have to go to a “normal” Kroger. —Jamie Yost

You believe the Library fire was part of a viral marketing campaign for the upcoming ABC smash hit Nashville 9-1-1. —Andy Gasparini

You can trace most of the stores on your street back at least three “used-to-bes.” —Allison Everett 

You got too invested in the Frist Missed Connection of the guy in the green jacket and girl with a red beret. —Leslie Hales

You have a recurring nightmare that you’re stuck at that little Mapco at 21st and Blair, and NO ONE WILL LET YOU MAKE A LEFT TURN TO GET OUT. —Trent Hanner

You have lied to a spouse about how much you have paid for a musical instrument. —Alan Spindel

You have to ask if the quirky name is a new band or a new dive bar. —Ashley Haskins

You just found the perfect bike lane for your truck. —Patrick Reilly

You keep a YASNI section in your phone notes all year long. —Lightning de la Flame 

You own a house you can’t afford to buy from yourself. —Olivia Cloud

You say “They have a location in Brooklyn.” —Zach Halfhill

You still have a Turkey Rockefeller punch card from Cafe Coco’s in your wallet. —Sarah Denson

You’d love to answer this question but Cameron Sexton silenced your mic. —Ashley Haskins

You think Mayor O’Connell should respond to every letter from Cameron Sexton saying that he should talk to his West Nashville councilmember first, but to let him know if he doesn’t hear back. —Stephen Yeargin

You thought the Transperfect Bowl had been outlawed. —Bob Vogt

You wonder why NewsChannel 5 never plays “Yakety Sax” when Ben Hill is on the news. —Jeff Bell

You’re waiting for the formal announcement from The Detroit Cowboy announcing their chef de cuisine, the recently pardoned Zip Tie Guy. —Andy Gasparini

Your councilmember is about to get laid off. —Trent Hanner

Your neighborhood has plenty of golf carts, but no golf courses. —Allison Everett

You miss at least one of the Coopers. —Jim Flautt

Reading about Michael Tait makes you long for Michael English. —Stacy Harris

You asked the Metro weather alert system to submit this to make sure everyone saw it 23 times. —Jamie Yost

You believe if the Frothy on 12South falls, you’ll go down with it. —Rachel Scott

You think replacing Christie Cookies with Le Labo at 12South stinks. —Stacy Harris

You don’t trust those diagonal crossings. —John Blackwell

You voted FOR bike lanes because you keep getting stuck behind slow-pedalin’ Tony Gonzales. —Sean Alexander

You’ve been hopelessly lost in the MC Escher Parking Garage after a show at The Pinnacle. —Andy Gasparini

Your Tennessee House rep thought Aftyn Behn wanted to fill potholes with actual pot. —Angela Gimlin

You post a QR code next to your driveway to charge your visitors for parking. —Angie Swinford

Your driveway just became a Metropolis lot. —Joseph Rapolla

You raised your tenants rent to pay for a PSL at the new stadium. —Bob Vogt

You have outlasted a football stadium. —Paul Whitfield

You hope the Titans are here long enough to play in their new stadium. —Jackie Hughes

Your childhood nightmare fuel was TECHS the robot from 100 Oaks mall. —Sarah Smith

The only reason that you know the police non-emergency number is because of a slightly-probematic-but-still-extremely-catchy reggae radio jingle from 20 years ago. —Andy Gasparini

One of your family members is buried in the cemeteries under Percy Priest lake. —Clayton Kidd

You don’t believe Bart Durham actually died. —Joseph Rapolla

You finally make plans to go to Porter Flea because the Thompson Lane Tuba Guy is playing. —Lisa Kinkel 

It’s still hot and you still need a pool. —Jamie Yost 

You know at least one person who went to school with Jelly Roll. —Jackie Hughes

You have a new line item in your personal budget to give monthly to WPLN. —Jon Blankenship

You think Tom House should be nominated for the Booker Prize. —Willie Hall

You wish they’d offer a vanity license plate with Snowbird on it. —Josh Malkofsky-Berger 

You think the NYE Note should be replaced by Ed the Zebra. —Paul Whitfield

You saw a random girl at Bonnaroo wearing a zebra-striped romper and thought Ed had escaped again. —Sarah Smith

You looked for that dadgum zebra in your backyard. —Jackie Hughes

That zebra escaped and you thought “Welp, that’s going to be the most popular YASNI topic this year.” —Sarah Smith

You didn’t know how much you needed an airlifted zebra until you saw an airlifted zebra. —Jamie Yost 

You passed a zebra on I-24 driving home from work. —Keith Heim

You didn’t blame Ed the Zebra for trying to get out of Tennessee. —Joseph R.

You’re convinced Rutherford County set that zebra loose just to overshadow CMA Fest. —Trent Hanner

Zebra, zebra, zebra, zebra, zebra. —Sarah Smith

Weirdies

Traveling by car from Madison to Donelson was possible only by a ferry ride across the Cumberland River until January 14, 1964 when a bridge was built across the Cumberland River. —Gene Clark

You reschedule a Schubert trio rehearsal because your pig, Jubilee, has been asked to appear in a Christian rap video wearing a gold chain. —Carrie Bailey

You tattooed the secret hot chicken spice recipe on your neck in a dead romance language. —Willie Hall 

Past Winners

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” —Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” —Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. —Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. —Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. —Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. —Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. —Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. —Russell Ries Jr.

2017: In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball. —Brian Bates

2018: Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. —Charlie Harris

2019: Your idea of “light rail” means doing just a little bit of coke. —Katie Wesolek

2020: Your idea of contact tracing is checking for hand stamps from Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse. —Megan Minarich

2021: You think Derrick Henry offseason workout vids should be flagged as erotica. —Chase Stejskal

2022: You’ve been on the darkweb trying to solicit trash pickup. —Logan Elliott

2023: The state legislature already overturned this joke. —JJ Wright

2024: You wonder which will return first: the cicadas or women’s rights? —Andy Gasparini