In the three-and-a-half decades since the Scene first launched our annual “You Are So Nashville If …” issue, Nashville’s population has grown by nearly 40 percent. We’ve seen the arrival of professional sports franchises and world-class dining establishments, not to mention a disorienting number of business and real estate developments.

But for all that’s changed over the past 35 years, the core of Music City’s identity — as evidenced by this year’s YASNI submissions — has remained the same. Nashvillians love poking fun at our city. We’re also a largely progressive town that has long been at odds with our state’s Republican-controlled legislature. Out of roughly 1,200 submissions, 21 specifically referenced the outlandish behavior of the Tennessee General Assembly, which went out of its way to pass legislation targeting Nashville this year. Twenty entries dealt with House Republicans’ expulsion of Democratic Reps. Justin Jones and Justin Pearson, while 16 referenced Gov. Bill Lee. A whopping 34 entries covered the legislature’s ill-conceived and legally dubious attempts to restrict drag performances, 10 covered Republican gerrymandering, five referenced state House Speaker Cameron Sexton, and six riffed on Lt. Gov. Randy McNally’s predilection for leaving … peculiar Instagram comments. 

Of course, there was more to it than just that. Thirty-six submissions had one thing or another to do with Nashville’s crowded field of mayoral candidates, with five entrants submitting exactly the same joke. (“You are so Nashville if you’re running for mayor.”) Thirty-three entries covered Nashville’s recently approved deal to fund a new Titans stadium, while 29 had something to do with people either moving into or out of Nashville — with 14 others specifically about Californians moving here. (By the way, you can stop submitting variations of “You are so Nashville if you’re not from here.” We get that one at least a dozen times every year.)

As always, the Scene’s editorial team combed through all the submissions, and after a daylong meeting duking it out, we narrowed down the list to about 150 entries that are funny, original, incisive or, ideally, some combination of the three. Below, find our first-, second- and third-place winners and our honorable mentions, along with everything else that made the cut. Also below, our list of particularly earnest entries — that is, the ones that weren’t exactly funny but were just too damn wholesome to do away with altogether — and everyone’s favorites, the Weirdies. 

Dive in. Thanks for submitting, and thanks for reading. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

First Place

The state legislature already overturned this joke. —JJ Wright

About the Winner

It’s no surprise that this year’s batch of YASNI submissions was full of entries about the Tennessee General Assembly. But out of all of the entries wagging a finger at the fools in the legislature, our favorite was a concise but effective entry from JJ Wright, who nailed the Republican supermajority’s penchant for passing laws designed specifically to punish Nashville. 

A retired software developer who has lived in Nashville “pretty much all my life,” Wright calls 2023 a brutal year for local politics. But he’s also quick to point out that it’s really nothing new.

“We’ve kind of been a laughingstock for a long time,” he says. He cites the frequency with which Tennessee was lampooned on Saturday Night Live this year, but also recalls a time when a website called “Is Tennessee on The Daily Show Tonight?” would simply redirect you to either a Yes or No based on that day’s episode. 

The state’s evergreen status as late-night joke fodder is cold comfort to Wright, who spends his post-retirement days making electronic and industrial music from his home studio. He’s submitted entries to YASNI for years, and has even made it in print a few times, but this is his first winning entry. —LAURA HUTSON HUNTER

Second Place

Your write-in vote for mayor is REMOVE, STOP or UNSUBSCRIBE. —Tripp Sullivan

Third Place

You assumed they were referring to the lieutenant governor when you heard a bear was heading to Nashville. —C. Gabriel

Honorable Mentions

You’ve outsourced your “thoughts and prayers” emails to ChatGPT. —Megan Minarich

The Tennessee legislature has more national prime-time events than the Titans. —Robert Vogt

You wish your state representatives were as scared of guns as they are megaphones. —Andy Gasparini

You think the city could balance its budget if they taxed every restaurant, bar or hotel that’s using Dolly’s name, image or likeness. —Charlie Harris

You submitted this in drag just for the hell of it. —Jamie Yost

When your neighbor dies of old age, you bring a covered dish, an all-cash offer and a demolition crew. —Jim Flautt

And the Rest

Cameron Sexton is your neighbor. —Shaun Melby

It’s okay, we don’t want to admit that Cameron Sexton lives here either. —Stephen Yeargin

Okay okay okay we get it, there was once a roller coaster where the mall is. —Jesse Newkirk

Your favorite music venue is Korean Veterans Bridge. —KP Thomas

You attend all the Nissan Stadium concerts for free on the pedestrian bridge. —Deborah Settles

Even the vegan restaurants are participating in Hot Chicken Week. —Jacob Maurer

Your husband and your boyfriend are in the same band. —Angela Schmidt

You consider dating a girl in Hendersonville a long-distance relationship. —Rie Rivers

You work in Nashville and make a short, one-hour drive each way from your affordable house. —Heiler Sweely

You think the “Ben Shapiro for J.R. Lind” trade we made with California will go down as one of the worst of all time. —Alex Daugherty

Your football team had so many injuries in 2022 that even Bart Durham refused to help —David Duhl

You are currently running for mayor. —Wilson Hubbell

You decided that you might as well run for mayor too. —Nick Leonardo

You’re following the black bear saga more closely than the mayoral race. —Sarah Smith

Your first thought after hearing about the wild black bear roaming the city was that he would love the mead at Honeytree. —Logan Elliott

Your first question was whether South Nashville Bear would choose Grindr or Scruff for his debut. —Trent Hanner

Your lieutenant governor is your biggest Instagram follower. —Allison Lund

Your most thrilling celebrity sighting was the Demonbroomin’ bike lane sweeper. —C. Gabriel

You canceled your subscription to The Tennessean because you now have the Nextdoor app. —Bob Ward

The more expensive The Tennessean becomes, the thinner it gets. —Hilary Jones

Your child is going to be a third-grader again next year. —Keith Heim

You thought about taking the TCAP for your third-grader to avoid canceling your summer vacation. —Logan Elliott

Protesting at the state Capitol counts as school for the day. —Hilary Jones

You hear about “The Tennessee Three” and you know who all six of them are. —Nancy Jones

You gave up on writing a country song about the Tennessee Three because you couldn’t rhyme anything with Cameron Sexton. —Drew Maynard

You have fewer civil rights than a gun. —Andy Gasparini

You’re willing to pay for a one-way SpaceX launch for Gino Bulso. —Anonymous 

You’ve triple-checked that the bigot Jack Johnson isn’t the banana-pancakes Jack Johnson. —Ashley Haskins

Your city and your state are in a conscious uncoupling. —Maeve McConville

Republican legislators are obsessed with you. —Deborah Settles

Your life’s goal is to win YASNI submission before the Scene is shut down by the TN legislature. —C. Gabriel

Your state legislature is entirely staffed with the political equivalent of Barney Fife. —Jesse Newkirk

You didn’t realize when you relocated here two years ago that it also meant you became a Tennessean, too. —Bob Ward

A few months after voting for your state representative you get to vote for him again. —George Oeser

You and your state rep both got kicked out of the state legislature. —Alex Daugherty

Your apartment complex lies within two different U.S. congressional districts. —Amy Bono

Your congressperson doesn’t live in Nashville. —Ken Lass

Your government representatives aren’t. —Allison Lund

Your congressman hails from Culleoka, Clarksville or Cookeville. —Ward Cullum

The speaker of the state House, who represents Crossville, lives closer to you than your representative in Congress. —Anonymous 

You got excited when you saw the new congressional redistricting map because you thought it was a new transit plan. —Logan Elliott

Your voting districts are so gerrymandered that your favorite watering hole is the nexus of three congressional districts. —Tina Caldwell

Your congressman is real brave when he’s posing for a Christmas card. When there’s an actual tragedy, not so much. —Jesse Newkirk

You believe Hendersonville native Josef Newgarden won the Indy 500 because he learned to drive in Nashville traffic. —Amanda McClendon

You hope the traffic from the new football stadium doesn’t run into the traffic from the new soccer stadium as they pass the traffic from the new racetrack. —Maeve McConville

You have a $2 billion new stadium in the works and some of the most poorly funded public schools in the nation. —Deborah Settles

This is not what you meant when you wished for arena football to make a comeback. —Charlie Harris

You pass a French cocktail bar on the way to the French cocktail bar. —Holland Crout

You take your coffee without employee abuse. —Megan Minarich

You’re glad Garth is an ally but are still waiting for Alan Jackson to repurpose “Chasin’ That Neon Rainbow.” —Charlie Harris

Your license plate says “Choose Life,” but your driving says otherwise. —Jesse Newkirk

Your hat says BNA but your license plate says CA. —Jesse Newkirk

The neighbor who moved from California last week would love your vote for city council. —Trent Hanner

It’s easier to get a record deal than a home loan. —Chris Fraker

Your starter home cost $750K. —Jason Ringrose

You periodically put “Coming Soon” signs on your lawn, just to fuck with people. —Thomas Still

You’ve hooked up with a realtor just to get advance notice of new home listings. —Alex Daugherty

You’re really concerned about overdevelopment now that your build is complete. —Jesse Newkirk

Housing costs are going to force you to be so Mt. Juliet next year. —Maeve McConville

You long for the days when downtown was more wholesome, like when you used to catch the bus home from school in front of Swinger’s World. —Julie Davenport

You know exactly which Krystals are still open. —Alex Daugherty

You live your life like Phil Williams is always watching. Because he is. —Jason Sparks

You know to walk the opposite direction if Phil Williams approaches you with a microphone. —C. Gabriel

You secretly hope PSC Metals stays around to help keep Nashville real. —Trent Hanner

Your Xbox runs through a 32-channel soundboard. —Jose Maldonado

You’re really trying to avoid submitting a YASNI about the West End Chili’s. —C. Gabriel

Your bro-country bar lasts longer than your bro-country duo. —Hilary Jones

You’ve been here long enough to mourn the closing of a business that replaced an establishment for which you previously mourned. —Andy Gasparini

You publicly grieved the closing of a meat-and-three you’ve never even been to. —Alex Daugherty

You never wanted a Mrs. Grissom’s pimento cheese sandwich until they tore it down. —Jamie Yost

While you’re waiting for your dinner reservation, the restaurant changes ownership three times. —Rick Guiden

You’d rather choke down a Bud Light than go to one of the Broadway bars that refuses to serve it. —Stephen Yeargin

You suspect Kid Rock was on all fours lapping up the beer after he shot it. —Jay Phelps

You think that the most surprising thing about a tourist urinating off of Jason Aldean’s rooftop bar was that anyone noticed. —Andy Gasparini

You’re pretty sure Jason Aldean’s over-stitched, over-bedazzled jeans violate the drag ban. —Ashley Haskins

The state of Tennessee thinks drag is a threat to children. Sugar, look in the damn mirror. —Megan Minarich

You voted yes for dragon boats but no for drag on boats. —Joe Souter

Your Sunday morning quandary is “church or drag brunch?” —Heather Burwell

DRAG DRAG DRAG DRAG DRAG DRAG DRAG DRAG DRAG … —Nate Griffin

“Transportainment” is a word in your vocabulary. —Hilary Jones

You can’t tell if the dump truck circling your house is searching for a new construction site or is just a new conduit for bachelorette transpotainment. —Jacki Giardina

Your kids compete by counting bachelorettes on their side of the street every time you drive down 12South. —Emily Freitag

Seeing Soccer Moses at a game counts as going to church that weekend. —Hilary Jones

You do Hany Mukhtar salutes around the office in lieu of handshakes. —Logan Elliott

You’re still trying to figure out where the Nun Bun went. —Jamie Yost

You have SoundWaves taste, but a Nashville Shores budget. —Allison Everett

Your senator is hawking pizza cutters on QVC. —Allison Lund

You have two Krogers: the good one and the other one. —Allison Everett

You’ve been ghosted so much you consider Nashville the most haunted city in America. —Rie Rivers

You know that the best new live music venue in Nashville is located in an old Kmart. —Andy Gasparini

Your new favorite concert venue used to feature “blue light specials.” —Julie Davenport

Death comes for us all, just as bartaco will come for your neighborhood next. —Charlie Harris

The year is 2047. There are now four generations of fans watching Moon Taxi on Friday at Live on the Green. —Matthew Rewinski

You know which Old Hickory Boulevard people are talking about. —Carol Reid

Free white hood with every 50-gallon purchase. —Allison Lund

The first rule of FIGHT CLUB IS: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service. —Allison Lund

You worry your neighbors have forgotten that Nazis are the BAD guys. —Stephan Sharp

You thought In-N-Out Burger was the new Déjà Vu after-hours food truck. —Jim Flautt 

Exit/In is out and In-N-Out Burger is in. —Ken Lass

Anyone visiting Geodis Park MUST follow the clear bag policy UNLESS your father violated the Espionage Act. —Andy Gasparini

Taylor Swift has more pull than your state senator. —Kris Lott

You’re still wringing out your clothes from the Taylor Swift concert. —Hilary Jones

You were able to score tickets to see Taylor Swift but not a spot for your child at the YMCA summer program. —Emily Steele

Your bushes are as dead as Titans offense. —Kris Lott

You get inexplicably horny driving through the City Cemetery. —Alex Daugherty

Your favorite food truck has a permanent address. —Mike Montgomery

You wondered how much sleep Dave Ramsey lost when the student loan forgiveness program came out. —Leslie Hales

Your Altima has an Insta but not a license plate. —Joe Souter

You’re excited to Airbnb your shed for $1,200 a night during the 2029 Super Bowl. —Andy Gasparini

You just wrote a song with Steve Poltz. —Terence Shine

You remember when John Rich used to beg to get on stage at the Sutler and they wouldn’t allow it. —Scott Gordon

You sublet your house every SEC Tournament to Kentucky fans, who then leave after one night. —Thomas Still

You observed a moment of silence for the five-year anniversary of the death of the Antioch IKEA. —C. Gabriel

You saw George before he was Michael Shannon. —Scott Gordon

Your airport has a Ferrari dealership. —Jamie Yost

You take an Uber to Radnor Lake. —Maggie O’Neill

Your professional sports teams’ general managers’ unemployment rate is higher than the city’s. —Ken Lass

You bet on the height of the meringue on Miss Linda’s Chocolate Meringue Pie at the Soda Shop. —Denise Volz

You took the last train to Clarksburg. —Jamie Yost

Your airport’s cellphone waiting lot is the I-40 exit ramp to the airport. —Clifton Kaiser

You really love BNA’s new cellphone waiting area conveniently located in Smyrna. —Andy Gasparini

If your dad had been born in 1895, you’d be ready to hang it up too. —Trent Hanner

You know who Kid Oak is. —Bailey Veach

You deleted your Tinder account and now just shoot your shot on the East Nashville Rooms for Rent Facebook page. —Matthew Bartley

With all of the Vern graffiti, you wonder if Panda is alright. —Chris Fraker

Your first job is working at Sounds games, but your WeGo route doesn’t run on weekends. —Jade Swafford

You have to give up your downtown gig money to park downtown trying to earn a little gig money. —Mark Shenkel

You’ve been pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving because you were avoiding potholes. —David Bennett

You’ve entered the Land of the Lost through one of Nashville’s premier pothole time portals. —Chadwick Nottingham

One of your hoodies has been washed 100 times and it still smells like Sportsman’s Grille. —Matthew Rewinski

When you serve pie, you cut it into five weird shapes and then give everyone a piece of dog crap instead. —Brian Swenson

You signed a chatbot to a publishing deal. —Andy Logan

You’re still waiting for Antioch to “pop.” —Daniel Ryan

You’ve witnessed the full cycle of East Nashville from (broke) unemployed musicians to (generationally wealthy) unemployed musicians. —Daniel Ryan

You try to make it to breakfast by 9:30 before the bachelorettes wake up. —Tyler Brasher

You get aroused by reading the “pornographic” passages of bestselling novels out loud at your local school board meetings. —Keith Heim

Your pastor unironically tells the congregation that teachers are indoctrinating kids while all of the 3- to 4-year-olds are in Sunday school. —Keith Heim

You’re becoming increasingly disturbed by the Morgan & Morgan billboards. —Jamie Yost

You think Midtown should just be called Vanderbilt. —Rick Guiden

You Google “How to recycle YASNIs about Nashville into YASNIs about Monarch.” —Hilary Jones

You’ve named all the Hillwood Boulevard Turkeys, but worried cause you haven’t seen them in a couple days. —Denise Volz

You’ve stolen a mini bike from an unsuspecting Shriner. —Katherine Skopik

The only Tennessee Pride you can handle is sausage on your plate. —Heather Burwell

You didn’t watch the coronation because the only royalty you recognize is Dolly. —Allison Everett

You attended George Santos’ induction into the Country Music Hall of Fame. —Randy Smith

You’ve ever heard yourself on the radio … at your day job. —Keith Brogdon

The Earnest Ones

You still long for another movie review from Jim Ridley. —Lee Anne Carmack

You are not upset that your neighbor is having a party with a loud rock band, because they are very good. —Pat McCauley

Your first concert was at Starwood. —Ellie Cagle

You’ve searched extensively but unsuccessfully for a legit Gold Rush bean roll recipe. —Barbara Carroll

Your alt-weekly has more (and better) news than your newspaper. —Hilary Jones

You’re sure Bianca Page would have a word for these legislators if she were still with us. —Maeve McConville

Between the rise of Khalil Ekulona and the return of Demetria Kalodimos, you are feeling pretty good about journalism in Nashville. —Clifton Kaiser

Seeing red ribbons tied on mailboxes and trees still makes you cry. Every. Single. Time.  —Stephanie Burset

You are already mourning the loss of Bob Mendes’ council blog posts. —Katie M.

You just haven’t been the same since the boys from Hot Fudge Tuesday hung it up. —Jesse Newkirk

You’re still proud of your city, no matter how heartbreaking it is to live here. —Andy Gasparini

The red-and-black bow will stay on your mailbox until we have common sense gun reform laws. —Allison Lott

ETC. will always mean Earl Thomas Conley! RIP my friend. —Randy Smith

You still call it Hermitage Landing. —Julie Davenport

You remember cattle grazing on Donelson Pike. —Darcy Bomer

You just got here and are ready to fight for the soul of our city. —Jason Ringrose

You know Daphne at Brown’s Diner. —William Lipchik

You work at the Ryman. Live in Bellevue with your son who had his heart transplant at Vanderbilt. Love to take your wife to Loveless Cafe when she comes to visit from Buffalo NY. Finally have become snobbish about what sweet tea and mac and cheese he prefers. —Joe Simonick

You made 10+ Nash Trash trips with Brenda Kay and Sherry Lynn. —Randy Smith

The Weirdies

You’ve referred to the rats on Broadway as “chicken of the streets.” 

You know Lower Broad doesn’t mean your short ex-girlfriend. 

You lose out to a drawing for Preds tickets at a bar downtown to a woman in a bachelorette party...seriously this happened. 104.5 was giving away a pair of Preds playoff tickets. We went downtown, decked out in our gear, along with several other fans, and they called the name of a super-drunk woo girl...all of us fans were like, you have got to be kidding. Yay Nashville!

You are still salty about the kid who stole your Skeletor costume at Comic Con last year.

You watched the recent mayoral debates, and it was so pitiful, that you really, really missed Bill Boner, and wished he was running again. Definitely would be a lot more fun!

Your yard sale sign says ‘everything must go’ but your prices say ‘ain’t shit leaving here.’

For the love of God, stop fucking kyaking in Percy Priest.

You are addicted to O’Charley’s Honey Mustard. . .

You see your crush at the liquor store at noon on a Wednesday.

MOON PHASES (maybe this year?)

Past Winners:

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” —Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” —Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. —Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m.  —Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. —Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. —Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. —Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. —Russell Ries Jr.

2017: In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball.  —Brian Bates

2018: Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. —Charlie Harris

2019: Your idea of “light rail” means doing just a little bit of coke.  —Katie Wesolek

2020: Your idea of contact tracing is checking for hand stamps from Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse. —Megan Minarich

2021: You think Derrick Henry offseason workout vids should be flagged as erotica. —Chase Stejskal

2022: You’ve been on the darkweb trying to solicit trash pickup. —Logan Elliott