What a time to be alive in Music City.
Here we are, just a little more than 200 days into 2019, and our city has already experienced more than a year’s worth of wackiness and absurdity. Nashville hosted the largest NFL Draft in history, but not without an arboreal controversy, wherein the city agreed to remove several cherry trees to make room for an outdoor stage — since we don’t have enough of those already. That was met with immense public outcry.
There were also, of course, the fleets of e-scooters blocking sidewalks and various other rights of way, prompting Mayor David Briley to issue a stern statement suggesting that he just might “terminate the existing scooter pilot program [and] immediately remove all electric scooters from Nashville streets.” Of course, the Metro Council ultimately settled for compromise, stopping short of an outright ban and instead instituting stricter regulations on the ubiquitous devices.
And we can’t forget the juiciest fiasco of them all — the one surrounding Republican state House Speaker Glen Casada and his aide Cade Cothren. There were questions about whether Casada’s chief of staff submitted false evidence regarding a local activist, followed by leaked text messages featuring vile, racist language, an admission that Cothren snorted cocaine in his statehouse office, sexist talk about an intern, and more texts bragging about his sexual ineptitude vis-à-vis a one-minute tryst in the bathroom at Party Fowl. It was almost too much to keep up with, quickly earning national attention from the likes of The Washington Post and HBO’s Last Week Tonight, among many others.
The scandal was also enough to earn Cothren the cover position on the Scene’s 31st annual YASNI issue — our contest inviting readers to summarize the Nashville experience by finishing the sentence “You Are So Nashville If …” While the main focus of this year’s winning submission is Nashville’s general lack of public transit and our ignorance thereof (Light rail? What’s that, har har), it’s impossible to see “little bit of coke” and “Nashville” in the same sentence without thinking of Cade Cothren.
Out of this year’s roughly 1,200 submissions, the word “scooter” appeared 99 times. “Cherry” was in there 39 times (“tree” was 54), “Draft” got 35 nods, and “mural” clocked in at 18. They can’t all be winners, of course, but several dozen of ’em were good enough to print. We’ve also included several submissions that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to us (the “weirdies,” a beloved tradition), as well as a handful of earnest entries that were just so cute we had to put them somewhere. Nashville: Join us in having a laugh at ourselves. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
First place:
Your idea of “light rail” means doing just a little bit of coke. — Katie Wesolek
About the winner:
When Katie Wesolek decided to move to Nashville early last year, she figured the city would soon have a robust transit plan in place by the time she arrived. The May 1, 2018, referendum to fund the construction of a mass transit system failed, and Wesolek had to reckon with aspects of Nashville that are at odds.
“It’s kind of like these two weird sides of the city where there’s all this rapid growth, and everybody complains about traffic and parking,” says Wesolek. “You would think they would want to do something about that. But then there are these other people who just kind of view Nashville as a nonstop party where people drink and do drugs all the time.”
Indeed. As luck would have it, the first copy of the Scene Wesolek picked up was last year’s “You Are So Nashville If …” issue. We’re glad we didn’t scare her off, because her winning entry this year works on multiple levels. Not only is it a knock at our lack of a high-capacity modern transit system (i.e., light rail) and that aforementioned party-city status, but it also works as a dig at former state House Speaker Glen Casada’s ousted aide Cade Cothren, who admitted to using cocaine in the statehouse. We received plenty of entries referencing Casada and Cothren, from their creepy-ass texts messages about female interns to Cothren’s alleged drug habits and sexual escapades (“Like father like son,” said one of Cothren’s texts regarding his lack of sexual prowess … ew). As you’ll see below, we devoted a whole section to that, but Wesolak’s entry made us laugh the hardest.
Wesolek performs stand-up, and you can catch her at local venues like Cobra, Little Harpeth Brewing and The East Room. You can also check out her blog Feelings for Breakfast, which she says “only my mom reads.” Wesolek’s mom has good taste, and we’re happy to help the comedian celebrate her one-year anniversary as a Nashvillian. ERICA CICCARONE
Second place:
Your Tennessee House speaker opposes unisex bathrooms unless you’re f#%ing in them. — Tony Gottlieb
Third place:
“Tall and skinny, safe, reliable with good hardwood and tremendous walkability” is both your Tinder and Zillow profiles. — Andy Gasparini
Honorable Mentions:
Women can’t carry mace into the legislative buildings where they need it most. — Megan Minarich
You submitted your entry as a mural. — Jamie Yost
Your bachelorette party left a coyote in the bathroom. — Jamie Yost
You’re thankful that Cade Cothren didn’t tie up the restroom at Party Fowl for very long. — Jeff Wilson
You can’t mention Cracker Barrel at the family reunion anymore. — Jeff Wilson
Yours is the third offer over asking price for a fixer-upper in Donelson. — Brent Andrews
Road Closed. — Tracy Goldenberg
You really love the Jimmy Carter mural in The Nations. — Jason and Heath Hinson
You want to replace the bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest at the state Capitol with a bust of Phil Williams. — Jeff Wilson
You’re an Airbnb Superhost, but a totally shitty neighbor. — Allison Lund
You’re still salty that Taylor Swift tried harder to get Phil Bredesen elected than Phil Bredesen did. — Charlie Harris
Your boss tries to fire you in May, but you tell him you’ll just quit in August. — Brian Bates
You fill potholes with failed transit plans. — Hilary Jones
You’ve never even heard of the place, yet you’re sad to see it go. — Hilary Jones
You wish Demetria Kalodimos would run for mayor. — Trent Hanner
You measured your backyard to see if it would accommodate a guitar-shaped scoreboard. — Jamie Yost
And the Rest
The grand marshal of your Christmas parade got booted for being an insufferable asshole. — Dan McNamara
Your fiancée traded up during the NFL Draft. — Bob Vogt
You are excited to play Gibson’s new NFL Draft Edition Les Paul, made from locally sourced cherrywood. — Andy Gasparini
You’ve said Roger Goodell pulled a George Washington by the Florida-Georgia Line and it needed no further explanation. — Mike Dorr
You know that when Entertainment Weekly does an eventual cast reunion of Nashville you’ll throw that issue right into the trash. — Hilary Jones
You still feel like you’re getting away with a crime every time you buy liquor on a Sunday. — Andy Gasparini
Did we ever find the Nun Bun? — Andy Gasparini
You got a Kool Daddy Fresh album on tape. — Hilary Jones
You got a new gun … by breaking into a car. — Michele Totty
You still can’t believe that the guy in the governor’s office is the same guy who one time fixed your pipes. — Hilary Jones
Your governor doesn’t have a stance on [insert issue] at this time, but he would like you to watch this video of him riding a tractor. — Charlie Harris
You hope Hiller runs for governor in 2022. — Brian Bates
You know the difference between coal ash and LoCash. — David Hook
Your woefully underpaid teachers will have no choice but to allow your kids to learn history from statues of dead racists. — Andy Gasparini
You lost a bet that the graffiti at Greer Stadium would earn it a place in an art crawl. — Drew Gilmore
Dolly is your co-pilot. — Meghan Joly
Your city’s biggest job-producing sector is the transportainment industry. — Dan McNamara
You think some dumb slogan painted on a brick wall is a mural. — Jesse Newkirk
Your position on deforestation is ANTI at Fort Negley but PRO at the state Capitol building. — Joe Souter
You had no idea who Betty Brown was until you vehemently defended the tree trail named in her honor. — Drew Gaskins
You say “medical marijuana” three times and Beth Harwell shows up. — Hilary Jones
You only watch Pickler & Ben if you know one of the guests. — Hilary Jones
You’ve eaten so much hot chicken the past few years you can incinerate a man at 30 feet with a controlled burst of ass fire. — Dan McNamara
Your pastor was featured on PreachersNSneakers. — Josh Spilker
You thought the Convention Center Coyote was twins. — Tracy Goldenberg
You’ve wondered what sort of panel discussions they might have at a convention of coyotes. — Radley Balko
You often wonder what the MCC Coyote and Gulch Chicken are up to these days. — Stephen Yeargin
Yo if u ever tryna hit Hollywood 27 and wound up at the BMW dealer. — Jeremy McAnulty
You complain about royalty rates on your 283 Spotify streams. — Jesse Newkirk
Your alt-weekly tried to kill #ItCity, but like an ’80s slasher film series, knows it will be back for revenge. — Stephen Yeargin
You know it’s over when your gayborhood is colonized by an evangelical chicken chain. — Trent Hanner
You think “soulless, pandering and probably created by machines” accurately describes both the current state of country music and Marsha Blackburn. — Andy Gasparini
You’re pissed that the first female senator from Tennessee had to be Marsha Blackburn. — Hilary Jones
You stayed up all night trying to figure out which Taylor Swift song was about Marsha Blackburn. — Allison Lund
Ain’t nothin’ got you shook like the bourgeois-fication of the 12 Oaks Motel. — Drew Maynard
Your church has been shiplapped. — Heather Helton
You have accidently found yourself in Centennial Park at the same time as some kind of Pokémon event and shit got weird fast. — Andy Gasparini
You’ve said the phrase, “Yeah, Antioch counts.” — Nick Bush
You assume Bill Freeman didn’t realize there were other ways to get a letter published aside from buying the whole damn newspaper. — Stephen Yeargin
You hate people who have ruined the city for you. Which is every single person around you. — Hilary Jones
You’re devastated about that landmark restaurant that closed before you could get around to patronizing it. — Radley Balko
You worry about how much longer James Shaw can continue to shoulder the burden of being the city’s lone symbol of human decency. — Dan McNamara
Your roads are crumbling, you can’t pay your teachers, you have to sell parks and sub out basic services to make ends meet, but at least you kNoW hOw tO tHrOw A pArTy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. — S.A.
I’m so tired. — Nate Griffin
You give up. — Jon Byrd
You need a metal “Nashville” script sign hanging in your house to remind you where you live. — Allison Lund
You vote on the first and third Thursdays and recycle on the second Fridays. — Sean Alexander
Most of your free time is spent thinking up new ways to abbreviate the city name so you can start a hat company. — Drew Wilson
New Nashville? I just wish they would finish the old one. — Andy Gasparini
You have a Word document on your computer to explain to visitors why Jefferson Street was the original Music Row. — Johnny Epstein
You want more snow leopard kittens and less of everything else. — Trent Hanner
You use “tall and skinny” as an insult. — John Marks
You get more fiber from Metamucil than Google. — Megan Minarich
You hesitate to wear that Google “Fiber Is Coming” T-shirt in public anymore. — Drew Gilmore
You get busted by your neighbor for selling his CD for 25 cents at your yard sale. — Elizabeth Fox
Next time you are at Stoney River Steakhouse you plan on ordering the Miranda Lambert Lap Salad. — Andy Gasparini
Your new favorite meal (and weapon) is a Miranda Lambert Tossed Salad. — Jen Foster
Chuck Mead is your landlord. — Mary Sack
You drank so much you thought you were sinking, but it turned out only to be the floor opening up under you. — Hilary Jones
Instead of a hole-in-the-wall kind of place, your favorite bar is a hole-in-the-roof kind of place. — Hilary Jones
You’ve gotten trapped in more than one bathroom in East Nashville because the door knobs were too slick from all the beard oil to open. — Laura Bond
Your wife switched her hall pass from Chris Hemsworth to the TDOT guy. — Jason and Heath Hinson
You both respect, and don’t respect, your band’s drummer. — Hilary Jones
You remember when Harmony went around with a Mr. Microphone. — Brent Andrews
You’re convinced that at this point Strategic Hospitality is just getting its project ideas from SNL’s Stefon. — Charlie Harris
The sign outside of Rosepepper, like, really gets you. — Tracy Goldenberg
People keep knocking on your door asking if Deacon used to live here. — David Friedlander
Your tri-star mural is upside down. — Daniel Dunn
Your automatic knee-jerk reaction to anything good is to scream “Woooooooooooo!!!” at the top of your lungs. — Hilary Jones
You’re a bit concerned about what an Oprah Winfrey-named airport would be like. YOU get a delay, and YOU get a delay, and YOU get a delay! EVERYBODY GETS A DELAY!!!!! — Hilary Jones
You remember (and miss) the Bat Poet. — Melanie R.
You realize it’s not multiple Jason Isbell concerts at the Ryman; it’s just one reeeeeeeeeeeeeally, reeeeeeeeeeeeeally long one. — Hilary Jones
Your show flyers generate more revenue for local government than they do for your band. — Ryan McCauley
The venue listed on your show flyers is “Th3 5 $P0+.” — Ryan McCauley
You’ve ever been harangued, harassed or hit on by Scoop Nashville. — Daniel Ryan
Scott Davis wants to rezone your backyard shed for mixed-use development. — Charlie Harris
You were surprised when WSMV actually went a whole day without firing someone. — Hilary Jones
Your office-with-a-view no longer has one. — Ginny McCoy
You wouldn’t be at all shocked if the city put the Parthenon up for sale to plug a budget hole. — Stephen Yeargin
It was below freezing during February’s monsoons, we’d all be dead. — Chase Stejskal
You are now a traffic circle. — Jason Woody
Fuck you, 440. — Jamie Yost
You think the Nashville traffic algorithm was written by Steve Winwood. — John Petrucelli
Your web browser deducts $50 from your bank account as a penalty every time you click on an article containing Brad Schmitt’s opinion on barbecue. — Stephen Yeargin
The thought of Bob Mueller shaving his mustache off gives you a panic attack. — Sarah Raulerson
Your child’s middle school choir concert has a songwriters-in-the-round segment. — Suzanne Johnson
You want to live within walking distance to everything, but hearing distance of nothing. — Dan Schlacter
You see the back of a MINI Countryman but read it as “COUNT RYMAN.” — Miles Goosens
You classify all your relationships as short-term rentals. — Kevin Walters
Half your friends have toured with Lambchop, the other half “never heard of ’em.” — Jim Reding
You secretly search “Where Are They Now” sites looking for the Watson’s spa girl. — William Mandell
You came for the cowboys but only found f*ckboys. — Rie Schaffer
You found Taylor Swift fans camping in your garden where the butterflies like to hang out. — Will McFerrin
Your favorite bar was a church, your favorite church was a school, and your favorite school just got sold by Metro to plug a hole in the budget. — Daniel Ryan
A city full of bachelorettes and I can’t go online, get ordained and marry any of them. — Andy Gasparini
You’ve decided to paint your brick house white. — Abbie Kozomara
You’re afraid the loss of Lake Palmer will disrupt the Midtown ecosystem. — Trent Hanner
Your gentrified neighborhood is a food desert. — Ryan McCauley
Your restaurant’s billboard lease lasted longer than your restaurant. — Beth Downey
You trust a Twitter account (@NashSevereWx) more than the actual tornado sirens. — Katie Miller
You can read about yesterday’s Preds game in tomorrow’s paper. — Charlie Harris
Boot-Scootin’ Boogie
To you, “Flipping the Bird” means throwing an electric scooter into the street. — Hilary Jones
You’re the reason the app shows a Bird scooter in the Cumberland River. — Clayton Smith
You’re expecting a “Don’t drink and scoot” PSA from Brooks and Dunn. — Nate Griffin
Your name is Scooter and you’ve never felt less welcome in this city. — Ryan Mason
You understand why George Jones would have appreciated a scooter. — Jeff Wilson
Your pastor blogs about the scooter crisis. — Trent Hanner
Oh, Casada
The party fowl you committed in the bathroom of a hot-chicken joint helped bring down the speaker of the House. — Dan McNamara
Your worst texts are still better than Speaker Casada’s best. — Hilary Jones
You think Glen Casada makes Jeremy Durham look like Charles Sargent (R.I.P.). — Daniel Ryan
When your TNGOP reps tell you they support the Predators, you believe them. — Charlie Harris
Your 59-second bathroom encounter is now referenced in the Urban Dictionary as “The Hot Chicken.” — Mike Dorr
You find a historic marker in the men’s room at your favorite restaurant. — David Hook
You did cocaine at work and got a promotion. — Emilee Warner
Mayoral Chatter
Dolly for mayor. — Meghan Joly
If our airport’s carpet could run for mayor, it would have your vote. — Andy Gasparini
You’d rather win this than be mayor. — Jesse Newkirk
There’s a secret pact between all the mayoral candidates to hire Jamie Hollin as director of law just so he’ll stop suing Metro. — Sarah Martin
You voted in no fewer than five different elections in the past year alone. — Hilary Jones
You’re still mayor on Instagram. — Trent Hanner
The Briley administration makes you think you judged Megan Barry a little too harshly. — Allison Lund
The mural race is stronger than the mayoral race. — John Cade
The Weirdies
People talk about going to the Grand Ole Opry and meeting country stars and you’re like, “Good for you.”
Your community hosts a prayer vigil for stolen cactus.
You would be glad to see the scooters go because you were really hoping we would get the pogo sticks!
Your mega-church band rocks out with their cocks out.
YOU ARE FALSELY LABELED A DISASTER PREPPER WHEN YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO KEEP ENOUGH ITEMS IN THE HOUSE TO AVOID TRAFFIC.
Your Momma took your Babies and made ’em cowboys.
You go to see a live band at a bar and no matter how danceable the music is, you don’t dance. No matter how much you tap your foot or sway to the music, you do not get up and dance. Dancing is only allowed on a designated dance floor like the American Legion.
You wonder what the heck Jason Aldean and Chris Stapleton did to celebrate the births of their first three babies if both of their wives gave birth again roughly a year later.
You and your friends placed bets on who would have her baby first: Carrie Underwood or Brittney Kerr. And now your friend who bet on Brittney hates the rest of you because now she owes each of you a hundred bucks.
You have a lovely conversation at Dee’s Country Cocktail Lounge with a hawt, mesmerizing, pansexual, bipolar divorcé named Abraham, who is now single after three trans girlfriends, all while the house bluegrass band plays the ballad of Jed Clampett.
Your parents are only the second most annoying thing in your life.
You remember hearing about the Tennessee Pot Cave, but all these years later you still don’t believe something like that could happen. Let me Google that real quick. Holy crap, it WAS real!!!
You are really good at that one Yoga position where you can blow yourself.
The Earnest
You love music, good food and making memories to last a lifetime. — Julie Petty
You just got here and you think it’s great! — David Grant
You napped on the pews of the Ryman as a kid, met your husband singing background vocals on a Jimmy Dean session … and you still shut down Robert’s Western World every Saturday night. (Yep … I am the REAL DEAL!!) — Ellen Musick
Past Winners:
1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. — Susan Fenton
1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. — Maralee Self
1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” — Willie D. Sweet Jr.
1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. — Ted W. Davis III
1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” — Sharon Kasserman
1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. — Paul Allen
1995: No winner
1996: You never meant to stay here this long. — Robert Jetton
1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. — Terry Robertson
1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. — Diana Hecht
1999: You dig up your mom. — Rick Hagey
2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. — Chad Tribble
2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. — Ken Lass
2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. — Rick Hagey
2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. — Cindy Parrish
2004: You need a war to sell records. — Joe Scutella
2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. — Ken Lass
2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. — Michael Williams
2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. — Michael Williams
2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. — Roy Moore
2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. — Jonathan Belcher
2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. — David Anthony
2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. — Dana Delworth
2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. — Holly Matthews
2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. — Bill Hench
2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. — Zack Bennett
2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. — Zack Bennett
2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. — Russell Ries Jr.
2017: In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball. — Brian Bates
2018: Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. — Charlie Harris
