You Are So Nashville If ...

It’s official: 2017 is the Year of the Catfish. The Scene received more than 1,000 entries for this year’s YASNIs — our annual contest inviting readers to summarize the Nashville experience by finishing the sentence “You Are So Nashville If … ” — and the word “catfish” appeared more than 60 times. (That’s more mentions than “traffic,” “cranes,” and the unholy duo of the terms “Mae Beavers” and “Twitter” combined.)

While the rest of the hockey world might have been laughing at us for our nontraditional hockey fandom, we were laughing too — all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals, baby! Because if Nashville is anything, it’s a town with a sense of humor about its ever-changing identity. Pedal taverns and bachelorette parties; idiotic politicians; floppy hats and cowboy boots; hating growth while simultaneously embracing the promise of an IKEA. We’re all of those things. But being able to laugh at our growing pains is the most Nashville thing of all. So settle in and read on as we celebrate all the things that make being a Nashvillian so hilarious, frustrating and, ultimately, great.

Illustrations by Benjamin Lancaster for L2L Creative

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First Place:

In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball. — Brian Bates

About the winner:

It’s not easy to write the best YASNI — the competition is very stiff. This year, the Scene once again received entries from hundreds of wannabe funny folks who all think they have a relatable yet fresh take on what makes life in Nashville so unique. Some people enter year after year and never even make it into the paper, let alone grab one of the top spots.

Middle Tennessee native Brian Bates has been entering the YASNI contest since 2015, and though he’s a professional comedian, he had previously gotten only as far as our honorable mentions category. Well, the third time proves to be the charm — this year Bates wears the YASNI crown after perfectly summarizing the city’s relationship with hockey in a YASNI submission that calls out that early whistle in Game 6 while also recognizing the unbridled passion of a brand-new generation of Preds fans. Perhaps it does help that Bates writes jokes for a living — he admits he sometimes gets to work out some of his ideas at local shows to see what gets a laugh.

“It’s obviously a different style,” he says, “but sometimes I’ll see what piques interest.”

Though he pokes a little fun at Fang Finger fever, Bates is a longtime Preds fan who loved seeing all the new fans showing their support during the team’s historic playoff run. “We’re all bandwagon fans to some degree,” he says. “Every team starts with nothing, and you build from it. I think it brought a lot of excitement to the city.”

It brought a lot of great YASNI material, too. Bates is headlining Zanies on Aug. 31, by the way. —Megan Seling

Second place:

After you die, The Ferryman fetches you in a pedal tavern. — Brendan Sherry

Third place (tie):

You’ve been blocked by Mae Beavers and you aren’t even on Twitter. — Meredith Hunter

Third place (tie):

Phase 1: Exhume corpses of former president and his wife. Phase 2: ?????? Phase 3: Profit! — Charlie Harris

Honorable Mentions:

You think polyamory is Ralph Emery’s wife.— Stacy Harris

You hate Mike Milbury more than Florida Georgia Line.— Michael Williams

The captain’s wife terk yer jerb.— Lesley Lassiter

Your proctologist now refers to a basic checkup as the administering of his “Fang Fingers.” — Daniel Smith

You wonder if the Nolensville

Road Taco Bell is more authentic than others. — JJ Wright

You’re covered in subway tile but have no viable transit system. — Charlie Harris

You are co-owned by Fresh Hospitality. — Adam Deal

The election signs that crowded everyone’s lawns in the last election got so confusing you voted for Crye-Leike as a write-in candidate by mistake. — Tom Still

Your skyscrapers got together and decided that AT&T could be the only interesting one. — Trent Hanner

You called for a welfare check on J.R. Lind when Powers Boothe died. — Meredith Hunter

You have listed Pappy Van Winkle on your church prayer request list. — Daniel Ryan

And the Rest … 

You only go downtown for the protests. — Drew Maynard

You’re just a dumb redneck with a bad idea. — Katie Klar

You’re just a dumb redneck with a bad idea. — Lesley Lassiter

The Scene changed its commenting system so you’re taking your talents to “Ticked Off” in the Green Hills News. — Charlie Harris

A premature “whistle” ruined your shot at a Stanley Cup baby. — Daniel Ryan

You’ve followed, unfollowed, re-followed and again unfollowed the East Nashville Facebook page. — James Walker

You still think John Rich is a dick. — Jemison Thornsby

Your Metro councilman chased the suspect during a manhunt. — Sean Jewett

You take 840 around Williamson County when driving south to avoid any chance of seeing Marsha Blackburn. — Randall Putala

The only business you’ve given a rating to on Facebook was that Asshole Yarn Store in Franklin. — Andy Gasparini

You’re looking forward to Jason Isbell’s 12-night stand at the Ryman in 2019. — Andy Gasparini

You wear your best yoga pants to the Trader Joe’s so you can feel all “namaste” when you straight-up threaten to murder someone for their parking spot. — Kevin Walters

You sent a demo tape to the Predators. — Larry Sullivan

The judge considered your briefs and then dropped his boxers. — Bill Hench

You sometimes use badly grammar just to make D. Patrick Rogers’s head explode. — George Maifair

You think the governor should outsource the legislature. — David Duhl

You finished your thesis and applied to two grad schools … in line at Slim & Husky’s. — Jackie Hughes

You spend more time standing in line at Slim & Husky’s than you do sitting in traffic. — Daniel Ryan

Every time public radio has their fundraiser, you wonder why that woman keeps saying, “I’m ’na eat a bug!” — Frank Michels

Your Fang Fever is so bad, you’ve started to heckle inanimate objects around the house. Vacuum, vaaaaacuuum! YOU SUCK! — Sam Brenner

You keep Forrest in the Capitol while you sell the forests to JLL. — Megan Minarich

Your uncle’s funeral procession got stuck behind a pedal tavern on the way to Mt. Olivet. — E. Thomas Wood

You’re worried because your new girlfriend insists on calling you “Your Honor” in bed. — Mike Dorr

You got accused of being a paid protester while waiting in a long line for coffee. — Charlie Harris

You’ve been saving up crane jokes all year long, only to find out you can’t submit them to YASNI. — Julie Brymer

You keep a list of bars at which David Chase has not been arrested. — Meredith Hunter

You thought the road to the Stanley Cup would alleviate the traffic congestion on 440. — Bob Vogt

You get upset because your local meat-and-three has daily specials that come with only two sides. — Geoff Reed

The most of the Titans you have watched in five years was at a Preds game. — Neil McCormick

You had to kick Lee Greenwood out of your seat at the City of Hope celebrity softball game. — Trevor Wathen

Your hat died, but everyone at brunch was super supportive. — Will Churchill

I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE. ASK YOUR UBER DRIVER. — Face Morgan

You see a flock of birds on five parallel telephone lines and try to figure out the chord sequence. — Lex Tinsley

Your Metro Council could vote on where to go to lunch, only to have the state force them to go to Arby’s. — Stephen Yeargin

You’re thinking a good use for the abandoned Greer Stadium would be to store Dennis K. Morgan’s ego. — Julio LaPeppercorn

You look forward to light rail coming so you can get around town quicker in your car. — Brian Bates

Your favorite music of the year was performed by a naked Icelander in a bathtub. — Trent Hanner

You worry that being a sanctuary city will mean that CMA Fest fans will be able to stay longer. — Larry Sullivan

You were happy they closed the deli that misspelled Nashville. — Randy Smith

You bury James Polk outside the state Capitol, but name pretty much everything after Andrew Jackson. — Kelsey Maves

You’ve bitched about the price-gouging at the East Nashville Goodwill. — Josie Kuhn

The people of Columbia want to dig you up and move you there. — Brady Mills

Your headstone will read, “There is no such thing as North Gulch.” — Meredith Hunter

You moved here to make it big in the restaurant business. — Lesley Lassiter

You think writing for Penthouse 30 years ago is worse than harassing and objectifying women three years ago. — Meredith Hunter

You’ve been priced out of a neighborhood you helped gentrify. — Daniel Ryan

There’s no need to go to the high school reunion this year because you’ve already been to the Tears for Fears/Hall and Oates concert. — Dave Foster

Google Fiber tore up your street and then left town because Google didn’t Google utility pole access!!! — Mary DiVittorio

Your wedding venue has door and show times for the nuptials. — Sean Jewett

You love the Preds because they have two halftimes! — Bob Ward

You can’t wait to go to Urban this weekend so you can buy some vinyls for your new vinyl player. — Luke Schneider

You think if John F. Lawhon couldn’t make it here, what chance does IKEA have? — Brian Bates

Your natural response to someone saying “Hey” is “You suck!” — Taylor Orlando

You think we would have won if Dolly had sung the anthem. — Dana Delworth

You’ve been hung up on by Lamar Alexander’s office. More than once. — Megan Minarich

You’ve already requested vacation time for Eclipse Day. — Trent Hanner

Your country music festival takes place in the city, and your rock ’n’ roll festival takes place in the country. — Galyn Glick Martin

100,000 honeybees and your hope for humanity died the same year. — Michael Francis

Your local swingers club feels violated for being unable to practice freedom of religion. — Larry Sullivan

You wish Mt. Juliet would stop acting like Brentwood’s intern. — Andy Gasparini

You thought Beverly Briley was Nashville’s first female mayor. — Sean Jewett

A street sign near two major universities reads “21th Avenue.” — Emily Gray

You are sad Rayna Jaymes died before she got to sing the national anthem before a Predators playoff game. — Mike Dorr

You wrap presents in “cash for your home” letters. — Theron Corse

You measure your time in town by which failed Lake Palmer project was proposed at the time. — Stephen Yeargin

You think the Music City Star is a new singing competition. — Eric Hoffman

You remember when we were a small town like Memphis. — Randy Smith

You’re so annoyed by another new burger bistro that you have to go drink at another new brew pub. — Rhonda Cook

You have a second location in Birmingham. — Daniel Ryan

Your constant complaining about Nashville’s rampant growth is interrupted by your excitement that IKEA is coming to town. — George Oeser

Banana pudding is a side option. — Nicole Powell

You search “When will Google Fiber be available in Nashville?” and your computer laughs and then crashes. — Bob Ward

You think pedal taverns and party barges send the wrong message about our city. We should be offering bungee baptisms off the John Seigenthaler Pedestrian Bridge. — Bill Hench

You heard Justin Timberlake has an ambitious new project: manscaping Chris Stapleton. — Bill Hench

You pretend you attend Sounds games for the baseball and not the alcoholic slushies. — Kristin Hale

Now you know who Carrie Underwood’s husband is. — Bob Vogt

You wish they would stop picking weirdos from Nashville to be on The Bachelorette. — Tracy Goldenberg

You’ve run out of synonyms for the word “curated.” — Jeremy Estes

Your pastor preached a sermon series based around the Stanley Cup Finals. — Trent Hanner

You’re apparently only a journalist if Todd Gardenhire has heard of you. — Meredith Hunter

You’ve had your “picture made” in front of the vintage Rolls-Royce with the “ASSMAN” license plate. — Peter Dinkel

You think CoreCivic is a new lesson plan. — Becky Griffith

You think a halfway house is another name for a tall-and-skinny. — Bob Ward

You’re irked that your neighbor has a recording studio in their home, but you brag about it every time your relatives come to town. — Byron Hill

You think Ryan Ellis is one of those Metropolitan Pogonotrophy Society people. — Cody Corcoran

Your neighborhood Starbucks printed a homemade sign that autocorrected “sous vide” to “souse.” — Trish Crist

Your parents call you to give YASNI entry ideas. — Matthew Parriott

Refs suck. Pass it on. — Meredith Hunter

Your favorite restaurant has a garage door, string lights, aluminum stools and Mason jars. — Maggie McDaniel

You’re moving to Chattanooga. — Josie Kuhn

Your truck has been mistaken for the Nashville Party Barge. — Michael Williams

You own a statue-sized Preds jersey. — Jamie Yost

You invite people over to hear your neighbor’s band practice ... they’re getting really good! — Jenn Johnson

You know “Keep ’em off the pole” is a Comcast strategy and not advice for parents. — Sandy Moss

You cancel school in case of rain. — Heather Helton

Your sommelier’s last job title was Sonic Carhop. — Noble Cummings

You remember where you were and what you were doing when you heard that the new IKEA would be built in Antioch. — Gene Dixon

Someone makes a mistake and you yell, “You suck! It’s all your fault, it’s all your fault, it’s all your fault!” — David Carter

You are gloating over WilCo’s money problems for their “precious” schools. — Katie Miller

You refer to your neighborhood as hip, but you’re not really sure what that means. — David Duhl

It’s no sweat to spell Zolnierczyk. — Daniel Ryan

You order a Bud at City Winery. — Josie Kuhn

You honestly can’t remember what used to sit on that corner. It was there yesterday. — Megan Davis

You don’t bother to correct tourists who marvel at the Cucumberland River. — Tom Still

You’re still confused as to why we showed up in Page Six. — Trent Hanner

You were hosting a Predators playoff party until Channel 4 aired some dance contest instead. After everyone left you couldn’t believe Demetria had lied to us. Demetria? — Jenn Johnson

You used to like Andrew Jackson. — Shawn Verner

You know when a celebrity is speaking at the Nashville Public Library. It’s the only time Main’s staffers place paper towels in the women’s restroom. — Stacy Harris

Gone Fishin’ 

You think the official bird of Nashville should be the ... catfish. — Blair Stilwell

You bring a catfish to toss around at Opryland Resort’s ICE! — Wes Davenport

You take the “over” when betting on the number of catfish entrants in the YASNI contest. — Larry Sullivan

You are considering turning your in-ground pool into a catfish farm. $$$ — Jenn Johnson

Is this cat, what I have, or is this fish? — Lesley Lassiter

Your Iron Maiden concert smells like catfish. — Mike Hulsey

You threw a piece of fried catfish at Snowbird. — Zack Bennett

You don’t question the catfish thing, but you wonder where folks get their hands on an octopus. — Trent Hanner

You’re breeding catfish for the Steelers game. — Larry Sullivan

You submitted a YASNI entry about doing something with a catfish. — Daniel Spartan Smith

We Said No More YASNIs About Cranes, and Yet … 

For what you lack in transportation, you make up for it in cranes. — Heather Helton

You believe cranes have become a part of the Nashville skyline downtown in the past 10 years. — Ashleigh Piper

Your car gets towed … by a construction crane. — Sam Cooper

You give directions based on where the cranes are located. — Robin Cohn

Your skyline has more cranes than buildings. — Jackie Hughes

You think a building crane is just another weird outdoor sculpture. — Rhonda Cook

For some reason you never win this contest. Cranes. — Sandra Partridge

The Weirdies

One by one, you have fed your neighbor’s cats to the coyotes.

You put Rogaine on your nose hairs and dyed them red.

You think John Prune should write the “lyrics” for the scrolling signs over the interstate.

While checking your prostate, your doctor says “Hey, I’ve got this idea for a song …”

You are having sex with your partner, but thinking of the perfect last minute “You Are So Nashville If” entry.

You use instant grits to wallpaper your living room.

You had sex in the Tennessean newsroom.

Someone asks if you live on the Boo and you know what they mean.

Rather than wish for mass transit, you may as well squish Jiminy Cricket while he’s singing that song.

Past Winners:

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. — Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. — Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” — Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. — Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” — Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. — Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. — Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. — Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. — Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. — Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. — Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. — Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. — Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. — Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. — Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. — Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. — Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. — Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. — Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. — Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. — David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. — Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. — Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. — Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. — Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. — Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. — Russell Ries Jr.