Over the course of three-and-a-half decades, “You Are So Nashville If …” has remained one of the Scene’s most popular annual cover stories. We like to think that’s because Nashvillians have a sense of humor about themselves — or at least a morbid sense of curiosity.
For our 36th annual YASNI issue, we once again asked readers to complete that fateful phrase — and our readers did not disappoint. As ever, among the roughly 1,200 entries we received in this year’s competition, there were references to Dolly Parton, the country music industry and conflict between state leadership and our city. There were also many — too many — variations on the phrase “You are so Nashville if you’re not from here.” But in addition to the perennial favorites, there were also loads of 2024-specific references. About 45 submissions referenced embattled country singer Morgan Wallen, his namesake Lower Broad bar and/or his April arrest for allegedly throwing a chair off the roof of Eric Church’s Chief’s. Thirty-two entries referenced the Brood XIX cicadas, 20 decried the state of Nashville traffic, 19 lamented the recent death of local icon Bart Durham, and 16 beat up on Nashvillians’ new favorite punching bags: California transplants. Readers also loved referencing dogged NewsChannel 5 reporter Phil Williams (13 entries), first-term Mayor Freddie O’Connell (12 entries) and controversy-courting culture warrior Gino Bulso (five entries), who is the Brentwood Republican representing state House District 61.
As always, the Scene’s editorial team combed through all the submissions, and after a daylong meeting, we narrowed down our list to roughly 200 entries that are funny, original, incisive or, ideally, some combination of the three. Below find our first-, second- and third-place winners and our honorable mentions, along with everything else that made the cut. This year we did away with the Weirdies — the entries that don’t make a lick of sense. (Maybe there’s something in the water, or maybe it’s a sign of these unprecedented times, but the submissions — the funny ones and the grim ones alike — made a lot more sense than usual.) We did, however, compile a list of particularly earnest entries: They weren’t exactly funny, but they’re just too damn wholesome to do away with altogether.
Dive into this year’s entries, accompanied this year by top-notch illustrations by artist Lauren Cierzan. Thanks for submitting, and thanks for reading. —D. PATRICK RODGERS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
The 36th annual "You Are So Nashville If …" issue is presented by Orca Coolers.
First Place
You wonder which will return first: the cicadas or women’s rights? —Andy Gasparini
About the Winner
Golf course mechanic and occasional audio engineer Andy Gasparini is no stranger to our “You Are So Nashville If …” contest. He’s had entries in just about every YASNI issue since at least 2011. He’s even scored honorable mentions in 2013, 2020, 2022 and 2023, plus a third-place nod in 2019.
“If you guys ever did a lifetime achievement award, I think I’d have a real shot at it,” Gasparini tells the Scene by phone.
This year, a whopping nine of his quips made it into the issue. The winning entry combined two of this year’s biggest topics into one line that was part silly, part deadly serious. It’s a good analogy for Nashville — a place that Gasparini says is full of both good and bad.
“I do believe Nashville is a great city, despite a lot of un-great people loving it,” he says. “You have great things happening in the communities — and then you also have what seems like Nazis every couple of weeks. Finding humor in a lot of those situations can be challenging sometimes, but I think we’re sort of honor-bound to do it. Otherwise, we just sit around crying all the time.”
“We are a certain kind of person’s favorite place to go to get blackout drunk,” he says. “It’s like MAGA Mardi Gras down there every Friday and Saturday night — that’s not something that all of us can be proud of. But if you look at what’s happening in, you know, Donelson or Sylvan Park, or all the things that are happening in Madison — there’s all these cool things happening. Sometimes it takes a Nashville Scene to sort of point people in those directions.
“It’s not all Morgan Wallen.” —LAURA HUTSON HUNTER
Second Place
You have to keep explaining that the Nashville Predators are our hockey team and not a nickname for our congressmen. —Ashley Haskins
Third Place
You always wanted Morgan Wallen to take a seat, but not like that. —Robin Wilmoth
Honorable Mentions
You were proud of the city’s progress, then you Googled who your street was named after. —Jesse Case
You get your 15 minutes of fame from your child bride’s 6-year-old son. —Kevin Tumminello
You’re dying to know what Gino Bulso’s first cousins look like. —Megan Minarich
After multiple explanations and podcasts, you still don’t understand what happened at Metro Arts. —Trent Hanner
A bill banning the transport of vaccines via lettuce isn’t even the stupidest law to pass in your statehouse in a single session. —Hilary Jones
You thought “participatory budgeting” was a new small plates restaurant. —Mark Naifeh
You are holding out for a Jim Varney honky-tonk. —Daniel Smith
You go to the Renaissance festival to escape the Dark Ages mindset of the Tennessee General Assembly. —Chris Jarvis
Your kid’s fourth-grade teacher isn’t allowed to carry their pistol in a rainbow holster.—Keith Heim
You get your 10,000 steps a day running from Phil Williams’ microphone. —Hilary Jones
You agree that Nissan Stadium would make one hell of a Spirit Halloween store. —Ashley Haskins
And the rest:
You still don’t know which of the three Republican bozos is your congressional representative. —Don Pocek
Your congressional district is the same shape as your missing puzzle piece. —Linda Wirth
Your new voting district circles around your kitchen on its way to Clarksville. —Jesse Case
You live in the largest city in the state, but no U.S. Congressman lives within 50 miles. —John Collette
Google Fiber first tried hanging their lines on telephone poles, then tried burying them in the street, and now just tape them to the sidewalk and hope for the best. —Stephen Yeargin
Your university somehow thinks that open dialogue means arresting a journalist. —Anonymous
Vanderbilt tried to arrest you while reading this. —Jamie Yost
Your alma mater arrests journalists. —Ken Lass
You’re scared the new Giarratana Tower will replace the Batman Building on the Roku screen saver. —Andy Gasparini
You can’t hear the tornado sirens over the cicadas. —LeAnn Stephenson
You think it’s nice that Gino Bulso sometimes takes a break from legislating gay hate to advocate for a cause he cares deeply about: cousin marriage. —Charlie Harris
You’ve tried making reservations at “Cicada” instead of “Locust” more than once. —Jim Flautt
Your top-rated restaurant is named after a plague. —Ken Lass
Your favorite pie at Pinky Ring Pizza is “The Isbell” — no sauce, a thin layer of cheese and heavy on the beef. —William Hall
Your name is “Analog” but you only accept digital payment. —Daniel Leathersich
So like is Arnold’s open or closed or what? —Trent Hanner
You can explain the bizarre wall at the new Dunks on Gallatin. —Sara Meissner
So where are all the Nazis gonna get their gas now? —Andy Gasparini
Your attorney general sent a strongly worded letter condemning this contest. —Leonard Assante
You know that “Nashville’s Nosiest Bitch” is an honorary title for NewsChannel 5’s Phil Williams and not that one lady on Nextdoor. —Stephen Yeargin
You couldn’t save the Rock Block, and at this rate, you’re not even sure you can save the West End Chili’s. —Charlie Harris
Your best music venues are disappearing faster than your police oversight boards. —Andy Gasparini
You first thought that the new Oracle campus was just another megachurch. —Wando Weaver
You personally know like eight dudes in Killers of the Flower Moon. —Drew Maynard
You were really hoping for a Chris Gaines bar instead of a Garth Brooks bar. —Megan Minarich
We all know that Garth’s friend in low places is Chris Gaines. —Megan Minarich
You have your friend’s Baja order saved in your phone. —Benjamin Killion
You’re not sure if you want more or less mentions on John Oliver this year. —Andy Gasparini
Your plumber has a Grammy. —Don Cook
Your plumber has a grammy. —Carol Rowland
Your dental hygienist has her first country CD for sale at the dentist office. —Rachel Lane Walden
Your Instacart order is composed entirely of products with Dolly’s face on them. —Hilary Jones
Your favorite restaurant closes while the waitstaff is on tour. —Pam Sheridan
Your household makes six figures, but you rely on your library card to get into cultural institutions. —Trent Hanner
Parental choice means you get to decide what books other people’s kids can’t read. —Keith Heim
You take your kids to Hooters to prevent them from being oversexualized at the library. —Keith Heim
You always knew deep down that Plaza Mariachi was too good to be true. —Leslie Hales
You know you’re in the clear when @NashSevereWx signs off on the live feed. —Emilee Warner
There’s not a single 615 area code on your kid’s class parent text thread. —Jesse Newkirk
Nothing yet on guns, but it’s good our state government finally solved that chemtrail problem that’s been plaguing our state. —Andy Gasparini
You came here to sell songs but you’ve sold more houses. —Jimmy Stratton
You’ve parked on I-40 and walked to your check-in counter at the airport. —Hilary Jones
You hear that Music Row is worried about AI taking over, but also wonder if we would even notice. —Andy Gasparini
You offer Morgan Wallen a seat, but only if he’s on the first floor. —Tina Caldwell
You wonder how long it will be before Morgan Wallen gets arrested at his own bar. —Hilary Jones
Morgan Wallen is your favorite kaiju. —Andy Kugler
You figure the legislature would sooner erect a statue of Morgan Wallen throwing a chair off a rooftop than honor Allison Russell. —Stephen Yeargin
You wonder who did a drunken power show better in downtown Nashville: Morgan Wallen throwing a chair off a rooftop bar or Cameron Sexton controlling the committee chairs in the legislature. —Clifton Kaiser
Your rooftop chair is outlawed but your gun isn’t. —Rick Guiden
When walking downtown, you were hit by both a flying cicada and a flying chair. —Jim Flautt
The forecast calls for cloudy with a chance of chairs! —Jacki Giardina
The possibility of getting brained by a celebrity-tossed chair is not even in your top five reasons for avoiding Lower Broad. —Dan Barry
The likelihood of your name being on a bar here is higher than anywhere in the world. Throw a chair to celebrate. —Trent Hanner
You know it’s only a matter of time before the Tennessee Supreme Court hears arguments on whether throwing a chair from a rooftop bar qualifies as protected speech. —Charlie Harris
You threw a chair and all you got was this lousy mugshot. —Jamie Yost
You installed a Ring camera in the hopes your drunken neighbor is friends with someone famous. —Maeve McConville
You’ve made multiple TikTok videos that start like this: “Hey ladies, if your fiancé’s name is Brad and he’s on a bachelor weekend in Nashville right now, DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!” —Alison O’Connor
Next on Nashville Public Television: This Old Mall. —Stephen Yeargin
You think that woman should be suing her realtor instead of Roy’s Meat Service. —Stephen Yeargin
Megan Barry’s bad decisions are still better than your current representative’s best decisions. —Maeve McConville
You think Megan Barry needs a couple more felonies to get her political career back on track. —Thom Case
The phrase “She thinks she’s the Christopher Columbus of Ramen in Nashville” might be the best insult you’ve heard in a long time. —Leslie Hales
The only Stanley Cup you’ve ever seen was pink and had a straw. —Keith Heim
East Nashville needs an emergency warning system to alert residents when Nissan Stadium events let out. —Leslie Hales
You have a special pillow you only use for concerts at the Ryman. —Emily Freitag
You chair the Equity Committee of your restrictive covenant-bearing Forest Hills HOA. —William Hall
You’re fixin’ to move away. —Robin Daugherty
You read the Nashville Scene, a commie rag. —Jerry Kimbro
You requested a cigarette nine miles long from your CBD shop. —Kenneth Anchor
iPhone autocorrect still thinks your team’s quarterback works for a jeans company. —Addison Pond
You are still wondering as to the whereabouts of the Nun Bun. —Jamie Yost
You’ve gone an extra week with no air-conditioning to avoid using Lee Company. —Jesse Case
You’re down one option for HVAC service because you don’t want to give the governor your money. —Sarah Denson
Your recovery group has an open-mic night. —Heather Helton
You think that the transit referendum can’t be that great if Lee Beaman isn’t against it. —C. Gabriel
You remember when the hotel at West End and 17th was a small lake on Google Maps. —Sarah Denson
Your husband needed new glasses after hitting the Shelby Golf Course sledding hill a little too hard. —Emily Freitag
You can’t afford to live in the same district you teach in. —Jaime Rieckhoff
You keep waiting for David Plazas to come out with a hard-hitting editorial against rabid dogs. —Jerry O’Connor
When it snows, Maldon salt is your go-to for the driveway and sidewalk. —Jim Flautt
Going to visit the Priest on Sunday involves a Motorboat and Cooler. —Mark Bartlett
The last concert you attended was at the airport. —Allison Damratoski
The House of Representatives tried to make you present your ticket to read this issue. —Jamie Yost
Your moms’ group has a dot on the SPLC Hate Map. —Brady Mills
You Costanza all of Brad Schmitt’s restaurant recommendations. —David Zeitlin
You’ve heard rumors of people who are still waiting for their Uber at Geodis after attending The Night Messi Came to Town. —Andy Gasparini
You withheld donations to your kid’s school art show pending a clean audit of the PTO. —Jim Flautt
You hear a beer company use the phrase, “If you drink, don’t drive,” and you automatically reply “Do the watermelon crawl.” —Hilary Jones
Opry Mills closing early due to potential flooding in May gave you the biggest jump-scare. —Wando Weaver
You can rhyme tornado and cicada. —Jimmy Stratton
You finally swept the last of the dead cicadas off your patio but now it’s too hot to sit out there. —Jerry O’Connor
You are a 13-year cicada who emerged to find that your cherry tree on First Avenue had disappeared, and that manifold other horrors had descended on your city.—Trent Hanner
In your perfect world, cicadas will emerge annually and actual people will just show up every 13 years, for five weeks at a time. —Trent Hanner
The cicadas were so loud and obnoxious that you figure somebody on Music Row must have given them a record deal. —Stephen Yeargin
You may just be a 13-year cicada, but doesn’t it seem rather soon to be replacing that football stadium? —Trent Hanner
Now that the cicadas are gone, you actually kinda miss the little fuc–BTZZTZZTZTZTZZ!—Dan Barry
You thought the cicadas were more respectful than our usual tourists. —Alissa Lindemann
You are the 13-year cicada who was sacrificed for the New Nashville foodie. —Trent Hanner
The annual return of the General Assembly annoys you more than any cicada emergence. —David Curtis
You spend so much time protesting at the state Capitol you can claim it as your legal residence. —Christine Hicks
You got more done on your lunch break than the state legislature did all year. —Sara Harvey
Your state legislature voted to replace the YASNI judges with a group appointed by the governor and legislative leaders. —Leonard Assante
Once the legislature determined that marriage was off the table, you demanded your first cousin refund you her half of the cost of your first date — to January 6th. —William Hall
Your state representative’s wife and mistress serve on the church council together. —Keith Heim
You wondered if Bart Durham got to see the eclipse before he died. —Leslie Hales
You think someone needs to write a song called “Total Eclipse of the Bart” as an in memoriam to Bart Durham. —Leslie Hales
You would like to declare April 9 as “Bart Durham Day.” —Jamie Yost
You genuinely thought Bart Durham was going to outlive you. #ripking —Frankie Ropelewski
You’re bummed this is the last year you’ll see any jokes about Bart Durham. —Stephen Yeargin
You think Belmont should offer a class on the Emo-to-Himbo pipeline. —Ashley Haskins
Four-year streak of sneaking the TransPerfect Bowl past Bill Lee. —Chase Stejskal
Codes made your neighbors get rid of their goats. —Emilee Warner
You truly believe Nashville is a place for everyone, including the immigrant family against whom you file regular codes complaints through hubNashville. —William Hall
Your city would like you to use hubNashville to report if there is any spot they missed where they can put a cashless parking meter. —Clifton Kaiser
You’re no longer interested in friends who have boats, but more interested in friends who have storm shelters. —Leslie Hales
You can’t understand why Gavin Newsom isn’t listed as a choice for governor. —Tom Still
Your church can trace its historical lineage back through at least three church splits. —Dave West
None of the 23 boutiques that opened in your neighborhood carry your size. —Emily Freitag
You file an ethics complaint against your councilmember because you lost a real estate commission. —Mark Naifeh
After reviewing demographic data from the most recent U.S. Census, you think it’s probably time we call The Nations something else. —Charlie Harris
Your private West Nashville high school recently celebrated a 50th anniversary, and you think it’s a weird coincidence that so many other private schools celebrated this same milestone. —Charlie Harris
You’ll put a roof over an out-of-town billionaire’s football team before you house your own citizens. —Daniel Ryan
Major League Baseball heard you’re just one hole punch away from getting a free stadium. —Stephen Yeargin
Your book club mixed up Love and Hot Chicken: A Delicious Southern Novel with Hot, Hot Chicken: A Nashville Story. —Ashley Haskins
You think all the hot chicken at the airport should come with a warning label. —Patrick W.
Your airport has all your favorite local eateries but with shorter lines. —Clifton Kaiser
Per audience request and the babysitter’s schedule, the My So-Called Band show has been moved up to 6:30 p.m. —Matthew Rewinski
You hated to see Derrick Henry leave but you did love to watch him walk away. —Jamie Yost
The judge in your case used to be your mayor, vice mayor and councilperson. —Nick Leonardo
Your chief contribution to local culture is trolling it here. —Jesse Newkirk
You are on your knees digging beer cans out of the bushes at the Airbnb next door while the guests listen to a record you played on. —Matt Glassmeyer
You thought the Music City Grand Prix was a little slow compared to the races you usually watch at the Briley Parkway Friday Night Dragstrip. —Andy Gasparini
You kept your mouth closed when you heard that SmileDirectClub ceased operations. —Wando Weaver
You think you’re in a time warp when someone tells you a new mall in Antioch is the best place to go shopping. —Jerry O’Connor
Driving through 12South at night is the most stressful thing you’ve done since watching a Safdie Bros movie. —Mark Naifeh
An Uber driver putting on their flashers and stopping in the middle of the road sends you into an instant rage but you refuse to honk because it is impolite. —Mark Miller
You’ve discovered and cataloged a new bat species inside Demonbreun’s Cave. —Michael Brashier
Your senators vote against appropriating money to Nashville then show up at the ribbon cutting to claim credit. —David Duhl
You look at the skyline and contemplate opening a window-washing business. —Curtis Hall
You spent your child’s college tuition savings on day care wait-list deposits. —Patrick McIntyre
There were more guitars than flight attendants on your last flight out of BNA. —Allison Damratoski
You’ve wondered if buying a new Ferrari includes a test drive on the BNA tarmac. —Wando Weaver
You find it hard to distinguish Lower Broadway on a Saturday night from BNA on a Sunday night. —Allison Damratoski
You weren’t surprised at all to learn that the Hawk Tuah Girl was on Lower Broadway. —Stephen Yeargin
You tell your friend that no one goes to Lower Broadway anymore because it’s always too crowded. —Jerry O’Connor
You haven’t made it in the music industry yet, but you have decided what your signature cocktail will be. —Nancy Jones
The only thing you can recall about the 21st night of September was that it was still humid. —Mark Naifeh
You’re already mourning the decrepit Belle Meade Kroger. —Mary Liza Hartong
Mayor Freddie beat you out on Bad Bunny tickets at the Belcourt silent auction. —Terry Maroney
You look at your mayor and can’t help but think that somewhere, a barbershop quartet is missing their tenor. —Allison Everett
You’ve taken a WeGo bus selfie. —Leslie Hales
Talent night at your kid’s school only features the parents. —Trent Hanner
Your power is out. —Emilee Warner
When you say you miss “Old Nashville,” you actually mean Nashville from 2014. —Kevin Walters
You work on Broadway but live in Lebanon. —Roy Burkhead
You still watch out for snowball-throwing polar bears. —Daniel Smith
Your safe word is “Lauderdale.” —Madison Thorn
They 12South’d your Five Points, so you 86’d yourself from the area. —Charlie Harris
You must finally admit that “PieTown” lacks pies and you can’t find a single ho in “WedgHo.” —William Hall
The only vacation you can afford in this economy is a day trip to the Buc-ee’s in Crossville. —Keith Heim
You wax nostalgic for the days of saving quarters for parking meters instead of worrying about scanning stuff online to keep from being towed. —Leon Helguera
Your favorite literary work about the city is “Where the Sidewalk Ends.” —David Zeitlin
You’ve memorized all 37 restaurant names that Roma Pizza uses on delivery apps. —Jesse Case
Downtown is just one giant crane game where you never win a prize. —Darrell Ida
The Earnest Ones
You have an outdoor TV on your patio but still walk down to Elmington Park for outdoor movies. —Janis Parrott
Every time they tear down a building a little piece of your heart goes missing. —Art Webb
You can name three of the specialty shakes at Bobbie’s Dairy Dip.—Josh Malkofsky-Berger
You and your husband look forward to workshopping your YASNIs together each year. (Yeah, yeah, we know that’s cute. But we really do!) —Megan Minarich
You’re upset to see Katy’s Hallmark Shop move out of Belle Meade Plaza. —Stephen Cook
You still miss Sub Stop. —Jaime Rieckhoff
You actually kind of miss the apple cinnamon pizza from Mr. Gatti’s dessert pizza buffet. —Sarah Denson
You bought frozen Goo-Goos at Swim ’n’ Sun and tried to eat them before they melted while you sat on the hot deck overlooking the swimming lanes during rest period. —Esther Gulli
You read The New York Times for Margaret Renkl and Emily Cochrane’s Nashville stories. —Trent Hanner
You remember mailing in your YASNI picks because you weren’t too sure about this newfangled internet thing. —Cletis Carr
You just want to ride the Wabash Cannonball one. More. Time. —Jamie Yost
Past Winners
1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton
1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self
1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” —Willie D. Sweet Jr.
1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III
1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” —Sharon Kasserman
1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen
1995: No winner
1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton
1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson
1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. —Diana Hecht
1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey
2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble
2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass
2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. —Rick Hagey
2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish
2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella
2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass
2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams
2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams
2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore
2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher
2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony
2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth
2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews
2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. —Bill Hench
2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. —Zack Bennett
2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. —Zack Bennett
2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. —Russell Ries Jr.
2017:In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball. —Brian Bates
2018: Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. —Charlie Harris
2019: Your idea of “light rail” means doing just a little bit of coke. —Katie Wesolek
2020:Your idea of contact tracing is checking for hand stamps from Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk & Rock ’N’ Roll Steakhouse. —Megan Minarich
2021:You think Derrick Henry offseason workout vids should be flagged as erotica. —Chase Stejskal
2022: You’ve been on the darkweb trying to solicit trash pickup. —Logan Elliott
2023: The state legislature already overturned this joke. —JJ Wright
