In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
Who do we root for in a fight between oligarchs and a Skynet-type A.I. trying to take over the world?
—Jeremy in Los Angeles
[Editor's note: “Skynet” is the name of the tech empire from the future in the Terminator.]
Thanks for the question, Jeremy.
Let me start by saying that I make $600 a week. I work full-time. This is the same amount of money I was making in 1993. In 1993, my rent was $400 a month. It is 2025, and my rent is considerably higher than $400 a month.
Fun fact: 1993 was 32 YEARS AGO.
I have no children, because ... BECAUSE OF COURSE I DON’T! I MAKE $600 A WEEK!
And you wanna know who is making even less money than me? Undocumented folks.
Is it undocumented people’s fault that I make low wages, and that they make even lower wages? Of course not! It’s the fact that the illegal monopolies that run our society don't have to raise wages, 'cuz they are MONOPOLIES. Monopolies get to pay whatever they want. And charge whatever they want. And ... bomb whatever they want. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. Because if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t even have $600.
How do we remain hopeful while the people in power in America insult immigrants and call the poor 'parasites'?
Now, we could have pushed back when these wage-thieving price-gougers started demonizing unions. We could have pushed back when they instituted barbaric “right to work” laws. We could have ... been serious people. But we weren’t. And we aren’t. And we didn’t.
What I want to know is how these monopolists managed to convince a bunch of American adults that the people to blame for their low wages are the people who are making the lowest wages of all, instead of the union-busting monopolists who set the wages. I know how they did it — monopolizing the media — but I want to know how America fell for it.
“ICE” could violently and illegally deport everyone in this country, and the oligarchs still wouldn't raise your wages. “DOGE” could cut every government program we have, and your wages still wouldn't go up. They’re spending a bunch of the money they’ve hoarded (oh, don’t worry, they’ll have plenty left) on more cops, and more prisons. Those cops and prisons are for the people who complain too loudly about their low wages. Complaining too loudly might be classified as “terrorism” these days.
So this question should be a joke question. In any other time in human history, this question would be a joke. But it’s not. It’s a real, rational question. And that is PATHETIC. The question isn’t pathetic — the fact that we’ve allowed ourselves to be put in this awful position is. The answer to this question is, sadly, that whomever we root for, it makes no difference. People who make $600 a week (and much less) can’t participate in decision-making. They are too busy working for food and shelter. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I’m rooting for the death of individualism, and the return of collectivism. Our only hope is that the low-wage earners — all of them, documented, undocumented, white, Black, brown — realize that we're on the same side. General strikes, mass (peaceful) protests. And elected officials who aren’t afraid to die fighting for what is right.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., pray for us. Harvey Milk, pray for us. Eugene Debs, pray for us. Ida B. Wells, pray for us.
