In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
How are you supposed to clean a cast-iron skillet? I got one for Christmas, and I’m afraid to use it. It seems like a lot of responsibility.
—Laura in East Nashville
It is a lot of responsibility. Get rid of it immediately. Put it out on the curb — some fool will pick it up, and then it will be their problem. Then they can spend all their waking hours wondering how to clean it. And let’s say they do eventually figure out how to clean it. They will then spend all their waking hours worrying that some burglar will break in and clean it wrong. Or if it isn’t a burglar, then ... a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a family friend, a mother, a father — ANYBODY. Someone will clean it wrong. They’ll end up sleeping with the damn thing, just to make sure no one cleans it wrong.
They can’t have a relationship, because no one wants to sleep in the same bed with someone who is clutching a cast-iron skillet. But they’ve gone so crazy by then that they’re like, “It’s actually better that I don’t have a relationship because that’s one less person I have to worry about cleaning it wrong.”
Then it’s just them and the pan — the way the pan wanted it all along!
You can “season” these skillets too. Once you’ve got it “seasoned” you have to keep it in a safe. And you should probably sleep next to the safe.
Speak the truth. You never know who might need to hear it.
There is another kind of person though, Laura. The kind of person who is not afraid of someone cleaning their cast-iron skillet wrong. The kind of person who leaves their perfectly seasoned cast-iron right out in the open. On purpose. This person is setting a trap. They are hoping someone cleans it wrong, so they can HUMILIATE them. I have fallen into this trap, and these “cookware academics” will really let you have it. They’ll act like using soap on their pan is similar to you taking a shit on the Mona Lisa, or — even worse — not appreciating jazz.
I realize Teflon has gotten a lot of bad press over the years, but I find it to be easier on my nerves.™
Escape from the world of seasoned cast-iron, Laura — while you still can! It’s a complicated, confounding blend of isolation, paranoia, rage, NPR, root vegetables and Jason Isbell.
If you insist, here are the ADVICE KING’s five steps to a healthy cast-iron skillet:
1. Abolish ICE
2. Abolish ICE
3. Abolish ICE
4. Abolish ICE
5. Abolish ICE
