In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
How do I fold a fitted sheet? Specifically, how do I fold a fitted sheet in such a way that reroutes my raging river of existential dread?
—Tina in Indianapolis
How do you mold a titted sheep?!
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
Sorry Tina, I didn’t have my glasses on.
First of all, I’d like to say a couple of things about last month's ice storm in Nashville. Nashville clearly cares more about stadiums, bars, surveillance and celebrity than we do about the safety of our most vulnerable. In a city that is generating massive amounts of wealth, there is no excuse for people freezing to death in their homes. There just isn’t. And don’t give me excuse-making and finger-pointing — give me fury, sadness, empathy and change.
Escape from the world of seasoned cast-iron while you still can!
OK, how to fold a titted sheep — er, a fitted sheet!
Those sheets are hard to fold, Tina. I bet Aesop has a fable involving a fitted sheet. It’s probably called “The Ass the Cock and the Fitted Sheet,” if I know old Aesop — and I do! He loved talking about asses and cocks.
By the way, I am without a doubt the only advice columnist in history to link to Aesopfables.com multiple times, in multiple columns. You’re welcome.
"THE ASS THE COCK AND THE FITTED SHEET"
By Advice King, in the style of Aesop
The cock perched on the ass and began crowing. The ass was trying to fold a fitted sheet, but the cock crowed so loud that the ass forgot what he was doing, and they both went to the fair and ate candy apples.
THE END
The moral of the story is, obviously: Leave the window open when you’re folding a fitted sheet! Maybe a cock will land on your ass!
Or maybe: Stop folding that fitted sheet and go to the fair.*
One time I went to the fair and there was a game where you have to fold a fitted sheet to win a stuffed animal. I kept losing. My mom was the lady who ran the booth, and she had big fangs. Now that I think about it, that may have been a dream.
In my opinion, the best way to fold a fitted sheet is to ABOLISH ICE.
Hang in there Tina! All the kind people have to try to keep their heads. We will prevail.
