Advice King: What Should I Wear for Halloween?

In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram  (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.

Dear Advice King, 

What should I be for Halloween this year? I’m pretty depressed about the state of the world. I’m looking for upbeat suggestions.

—Clarence in Chippewa Falls

Hi Clarence! I hear ya! Me too. 

Upbeat, hmm. Little Bo Peep? Is she upbeat? What about Puss in Boots? 

I’m listening to the album Vital Signs by the band Survivor as I write this, by the way. You could go as Survivor’s first vocalist Dave Bickler. He got fired because he refused to stop wearing his trademark beret. At least that’s my theory. All you would need for that costume would be a beret, and a lot of talk about how the music industry is a “snakepit.” For reference, he’s the guy who sang “Eye of the Tiger” — but I digress. You could go as his replacement, Jimi Jamison. All you would need for that is to be a dreamboat with the voice of an angel. Did Little Bo Peep wear a beret? I hope not.

There isn’t much online about Little Bo Peep. Mostly just the standard background stuff about her losing her sheep, being upset, etc. There is a reference to the fact that she was not “little” because she was young — she was a grown woman who was short. She did not, as far as i can tell, wear a beret. You’re welcome, Clarence. 

So far it’s looking like you’re going to be Little Bo Peep. But the night is young.  

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Puss in Boots is out, because I just found out there is a movie franchise. NO CORPORATE COSTUMES. Corporations are the ones that made us all so sad that we can barely muster the energy to get out of bed, let alone yell “BOO” at anyone. 

I went to a local Halloween parade the other day. I saw a little boy dressed as a policeman. That is definitely not upbeat.

OK, what other costumes are there? Superman? Corporate. Wonder Woman? Corporate. What about a tree? Or a bush. Or a bird. Or the sun. Or a monkey. What about “the nonjudgemental love of the god of your understanding”? That last one requires too many sequins.

No Lord of the Rings costumes — I don’t care how hairy your feet are, Clarence. All these imbecilic billionaires name their disgraceful companies after Tolkien characters. 

[Neil Hamburger voice]

As if imbecilic millionaires Led Zeppelin hadn’t already used these names in their disgraceful lyrics! 

No cops. No hobbits. No corporate superheroes/animals. You could go as a ventriloquist dummy. But everyone would assume you were Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. 

I am now listening to Survivor and reading Aesopfables.com. I can guaran-fucking-tee you that no one has ever done those two things at once. GUARANTEED. No way. That’s my Halloween costume: “Guy listening to Survivor who is also on Aesopfables.com.” Yes, Clarence, I am going above and beyond for you — I’m trying to find an upbeat, noncorporate costume in one of Aesop’s Fables. FUN FACT: Little Bo Peep is not in any of Aesop’s Fables. Neither is Jack Reacher.

Oh my God! Aesop’s Fables are filthy! They’re all about "asses" and "cocks"! Like, “The ass sat on the cock.” And the moral of the story is supposed to be “a bird shouldn’t fall asleep in a stable”? Get outta here. Filth. Aesopfables.com is NSFW.

After, ahem, hours of painstaking research, I am forced to conclude that for Halloween this year you MUST be Little Bo Peep, Clarence. And I will be too. We will be short, but not young. There are no other acceptable choices.