In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
The election killed my libido, but I’m boycotting men anyway — at least until conditions improve. Still, I recognize that physical connection is healing and necessary. What are my options here?
Thanks!
—Sexless in Seattle
DISCLOSURE: This question did not come from Seattle, but I couldn’t resist.
Killed your libido?! You mean your car? The Kia Libido?
OK, that joke is out of my system. Thank God. While we’re on the subject, though, is there a pickup truck called the Insurrection? Like, “The Ford Insurrection! Now with extra-bright 'Own the Libs' LED headlights AND A WORKING FIREPLACE IN THE CAB!”
A libido. How quaint. I haven’t had a libido since the 2008 housing crisis. I mean, I have a “libido,” but not a LIBIDO, if you get my drift. What once was a Harley Davidson is now an e-bike. What once was a rabid dog, is now a regular dog. What once ...
How do we remain hopeful while the people in power in America insult immigrants and call the poor 'parasites'?
I’m going to cut out that last paragraph where I talk about my libido. I hope I don’t forget!
What if you were trying to talk to your grandmother about your lumbago, but you were saying “libido” by mistake? “Grandma, my libido is THROBBING.” You’d get a broom between the eyes.
As far as boycotting men, I don’t blame you. American men are raised to be overconfident and not at all knowledgeable. A deadly combination — especially on a first date. Enjoy this short play:
FIRST DATE WITH AN AMERICAN MAN, 2025
Interior, Logan’s Roadhouse
MAN: Don’t order an appetizer. I gotta get brighter lights for my Ford Insurrection.
WOMAN: New lights are going to be more expensive with the tariffs.
MAN: Tariffs are a tax cut. Do your research. Also, you look prettier when you smile.
[Loooong pause]
What’s your favorite dog? Like, a big one? Like, a big hound? Or a little one?
-THE END-
Another great play. Plays are easy to write.
How am I doing so far, Sexless in Seattle? I’m trying to cheer you up. I actually find this question depressing. Modern men have been tricked by oligarchs into thinking empathy is weakness. But empathy is the only reason we have agriculture and running water. Empathy is the only thing that can prevent you from dying alone!
Men, we are being groomed by right-wing politicians and podcasters to become lonely, bitter, drug-addicted, one-dimensional battering rams — all in the name of delivering more money to the billionaire class. It’s no wonder that, at this moment in history, the word “masculinity” is interchangeable with the word “rage.”
Gender roles are designed to isolate us. Men and women are on the same side! We literally create life together. Stop acting like capitalist cartoons! Unite to defeat the money-addicted maniacs who are stealing the whole world’s joy!
Maybe even have good sex again someday. Loving sex. Not madness, redirected.
