In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
What’s a good New Year’s resolution for 2026? I’ve been thinking I might start smoking. Seems like it’d be a good year for that.
—Judy in Buffalo, N.Y.
I’d like to dedicate this column to the memory of my father.
Don’t start smoking. A cigarette is only good for the first two puffs. The rest is self-flagellation.
Speaking of self-flagellation, 2025 was an absolute nightmare for any American with an ounce of empathy. I am one of those Americans who has an ounce of empathy, Judy, so I have had a horrible year. Not nearly as horrible a year as the immigrants who have been snatched off the streets. Not nearly as horrible a year as the unidentified people on motorboats blown to smithereens by our psychopathic secretary of defense. I am not feeling sorry for myself, Judy.
But I am flagellating myself, because I feel like I am powerless. What an awful feeling. It feels like failure. How could it not? We were raised in this country to care about the neediest. To love our neighbor. How could it have come to this?
But I know exactly how it came to this. Which makes it even worse.
Lots of people in this country actually think beating the shit out of poor people will solve their problems. Hell, a lot of them believe this violence is “Christian”! They sit smugly, thinking the masked men will never come for them. They feel great right now.
Just like every other American, I’m completely disoriented
Or maybe they don’t. Maybe they know it’s wrong too. And they’re just waiting for enough people in power to say it — to reflect it back to them. Have you seen how the mayor of Chicago is acting? That’s the right way to act right now. Act like that. Set an example for the children. Tell the truth.
My father passed away in October. Charles Richard Crofton. He had empathy. He also knew that if a bunch of billionaires stockpile all of a society’s money, they have to give it back in order for that society to function correctly. And he knew that even if you deported every person in the whole United States, those billionaires would still have all the money. It’s resource-hoarding that’s causing all the suffering, he said — not poor migrants. He also said “I love you.” Often.
Shortly before my father passed, he opened his eyes wide. They had been shut for days. He opened them, and kept them open. He looked at us as he took his last breaths. It was mystical.
Money? Billionaires? LOVE. That’s all there is.
My New Year’s resolution is to realize that I am not powerless. I can speak the truth, like the mayor of Chicago. I’m gonna let the kids know that America has lost its way (again).
I would encourage all elected officials to speak the truth. To not “stay in their lane.” You have a podium, and a legal team. Speak. Let the kids know that America has lost its way (again).
You never know who might need to hear it.
