In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I'm an average 54-year-old man. I was in Nashville — your neck of the woods — about a month ago. Lovely town. It's not where I'm from, and maybe I don't know the lingo. A guy said to me, "It's better for old guys to look spooky than to smile." Can you explain this phrase to me?
—Bugsy M.
Thanks for the email, Bugsy.
Here’s AI’s suggested response (real):
Hey Bugsy,
That's a classic Nashville thing. It basically means it's better to look a little intense or mysterious than to look too eager or overly friendly when you're trying to fit in or seem cool.
—Chris
Case closed. That’s a classic Nashville thing, Bugsy. I say it every day, to everybody. I said it to my reflection in the mirror this morning. Thank God for AI, amirite? Or ...
Maybe not.
Maybe Nashville’s not a lovely town either.
Or maybe it is. But if it is — why would a lovely town need to be policed by drones? And why would the allegedly progressive mayor of that lovely town allow it?
I’ll give you my opinion, since this is an advice/opinion column. My opinion is that the mayor of Nashville, Freddie O’Connell, is under some kind of pressure. How have I arrived at that conclusion? Well, because he was definitely against surveillance as a Metro councilmember. It’s one of the main reasons I voted for him. Also, his campaign slogan was “I want you to stay” — as in, “don’t move away from Nashville.” Allow me to amend it: “I want you to stay and be followed around by drones.”
What happened, Freddie? Tell us. Please.
We’d all like to wrap our belongings in a kerchief, put them on the end of a stick and follow the railroad tracks out of town
Is it because the crime rate went way up? Nope. It’s down. How do I know? Freddie has bragged about it. So the crime rate isn’t the pressure. What is? It’s certainly not coming from his non-wealthy constituents. Every working-class person I know who supported Freddie’s campaign is outraged. So what is it? What’s the pressure?
I’ll offer my opinion — and then some advice.
The majority of serious crimes being committed in this country are being committed by the wealthy. And before you can say, “What about shoplifting?” — I’M TALKING ABOUT BIG CRIMES. The kind of crimes that make one man a trillionaire — and force everyone else to shoplift.
Medicare fraud — which a certain rich, white Republican U.S. senator very profitably committed, and paid a fine to get out of trouble for — was successfully used as a pretense to demonize all Somalis, and the entire state of Minnesota. The low-wage workers who safely trim hedges in Belle Meade get abducted by ICE on Nolensville Road.
The poor are the targets of MAGA. Yet the MNPD drones are being deployed in Madison, Tenn. — under a progressive administration. The area of Madison being targeted is low-income. So what are we doing? It is impossible to separate surveillance from class. If crime is down, why do we need evermore advanced crimefighting? Because it’s about creating a culture of fear. The wealthy know that they have accumulated too much money to be safe. They are afraid of the poor. Rather than pay higher wages, and higher taxes, they are counting on license plate readers, Fusus, ICE, data centers and drones to calm their increasing paranoia. That is a vision of the future that we must fight. And the time to fight is NOW. Not later. That’s why we elected you, Freddie — to fight.
This pressure ... I think I know what it is. The pressure is from BIG MONEY, and it has turned you into someone I hardly recognize.
Please let me know how I can help.
My advice, Bugsy? Maybe AI is right, and everyone in Nashville is mean-mugging to get ahead. Well, if they are, it’s not safe anymore. There are cameras everywhere. You better plaster a benevolent look on your face, cowboy — reassure the wealthy that you aren’t a threat. Smile extra big as the drones pass over.
Remember: None of this is about safety or immigration. It’s about intimidation, and control. Which side are we on, Nashville? There is no middle.
BTW, you’re either against all of these things, or you are for all of them. You can’t pick and choose.
