In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram(@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I would like to live “off the grid.” How do I do this? What does it entail?
—Gina in Delaware
Off the grid, eh? Sounds good to me. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds very good. I hate grids! Who wants to live on a grid? Grid, grid, grid. What a horrible word.
"How We Ended Up on the Grid"
-a short play-
SALESMAN [pointy goatee, red outfit, holding pitchfork]: What if I told you that for the low, low price of YOUR SOUL, I can get you a great spot on the grid?
AMERICAN: Hell yes! I love grids! Also, what are they?
SALESMAN: You get air-conditioning, toothpaste and a TV. That’s the grid. All you have to do is live and die within a 5-square-mile radius. Except for grid-approved vacations, where you are photographed drinking pink liquid from a Champagne flute, near a body of water, once a year.
AMERICAN: I’ll take it!
-The End-
If you really want to leave the grid, you’ll have to learn how to grow your own food.
No one wants to do that, so the most popular way to leave the grid is to be rich and pretend to leave the grid, but buy all your food at Trader Joe’s. That kind of grid-leaver is called a “libertarian.” The real reason libertarians want to leave the grid is to avoid the IRS. I enjoy listening to them while they try to explain their other, fancier motivations. They say "constitutional republic” a lot — while they gulp a La Croix and check their FanDuel account.
I suppose that, strictly speaking, “off the grid” just means not using public utilities like electricity. But it is my opinion that if you are in a supermarket, you are on the grid. If your image is currently being captured by a security camera, you are on the grid.
In moments like this, we should definitely make music and art. But we need to do more than that.
Regardless of how you define “leaving the grid,” one thing is for certain: It used to be a helluva lot easier. These days, the grid follows you. Mass surveillance isn’t just on a madman’s to-do list anymore — it has arrived. You think that you, your rain barrel and your stinky boyfriend Zeke are all alone in the wilderness, until you realize that the roar of the nearby waterfall is really the roar of a nearby data center. That “one-eyed owl” is a Flock camera. The snake that just bit Zeke? A real snake, unfortunately.
We’d all like to wrap our belongings in a kerchief, put them on the end of a stick and follow the railroad tracks out of town. But WE MADE THIS MESS, and now we have to clean it up. It’s not enough to lament the loss of the Voting Rights Act — it needs to be reinstated. Don’t be like a libertarian and run away. Not just because it’s cowardly, but also because — big picture — there’s nowhere to run.
Tech isn’t progress — it’s violence. Wherever you go, the water will be contaminated, the AI servers will know your name and the drones will know where you are. We need to fix this shit. We need to stay on the grid and fight, and spread the word that something has gone terribly wrong. We need to act like grownups, and unplug the goddamn thing. It’s hurting our children. It's turning all of us into libertarians.
