In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I'm 50, and I want to retire at 65. I have $1,800 in the bank. How do I do it?
—Ron in Boise
Well, the first thing you should do is come see me and Josh Fadem perform stand-up comedy. This Thursday, Aug. 20, at The OG Basement. Doors at 8:30 p.m., show at 9. It’s only $20.
After that, you’ll have $1,780, BUT YOU WILL BE SO HAPPY. Bring your mom, and then you’ll have $1,760. Buy your mom a Long Island Iced Tea, and then you’ll have $1,740. Etc.
You may say, “But I need to be careful with my money!” To that I say: No, you don’t. In fact, you should spend all of your remaining money on tickets to my live shows.
Oh my gosh! I just woke up with my head on the keyboard! I must have written that beginning part in my sleep! That’s bad advice! You shouldn’t spend all your money on tickets to my shows! Just a big chunk of it! Sorry about that. I don’t know how to erase it, unfortunately.
You are not retiring, buddy. I hate to burst your bubble. None of us are. We’re all going to be oiling the joints of sex robots in return for tokens that can purchase gruel. And we’re not going to get to use the sex robots. No way. We’re oiling them for Jeff Bezos’ annual robot sex party — on MARS!
Just kidding. We’re not going to Mars. Jeff Bezos isn’t going to Mars. No one is going to Mars. Nobody is even on the way to Mars. We couldn’t survive on Mars even if we managed to get there. Etc.
Jeff Bezos hasn’t even been to the moon. Even with his illegal monopoly and poverty wages and everything. These guys are inept.
How hot is it? It's as hot as a data center. It's as hot as a flickering power grid.
There’s more bad news, Ron. Even if you have the money to retire, you’re not going to have a very fun retirement. It’s going to be 150 degrees, and there will be hurricanes three times a week. Golf will be out of the question. That’s the only thing I’m excited about: No more golf. No golf, no diabolical plots hatched in the golf cart on the way to the green. Fewer diabolical plots, more chance of us saving our asses.
We can turn the golf courses into farms. We can plant heat-resistant crops on the fairways.
Do heat-resistant crops exist? Don’t ask me — I went to Liberty University and majored in Christopher Columbus.
For the sake of argument, let’s say you are able to retire. And they put refrigerated domes over the golf courses. You’re still not going to have any fun. Why? Because you have a conscience, that’s why. How can someone with a conscience enjoy a round of golf when they know that masked men are snatching people off the streets? When those people — sometimes whole families — are being held indefinitely in for-profit detention centers? And when it is quite possible that your golf partners may be profiting from those detention centers?
What are you guys gonna talk about? Our glorious war with Iran? THE WEATHER?!
Don’t retire. Stay vigilant.
