In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
Triple-digit temperatures make it uncomfortable and potentially unsafe to be outside. Do you have any tips for staying active during the hot summer months?
—Andy in Las Vegas
Man oh man — when you’re right, you’re right. It’s as hot as a data center up in here. It’s as hot as a flickering power grid. It’s as hot as a guy in a ninja outfit approaching a Flock camera with a Sawzall. It’s as hot as a centrist Democrat talking about Gaza. It’s as hot as Vanderbilt University Medical Center trying to explain why transgender folks’ medical records were turned over to the Tennessee Attorney General. It’s as hot as a fisherman being blown up by the U.S. government. It’s as hot as Elon Musk attempting to justify his rage and fear. It’s as hot as an ICE agent standing outside a polling station. It’s as hot as a fundamentalist Christian cheering mass deportations.
Anyway, it’s really fucking hot.
It’s as hot as a protest song streaming on Spotify. It’s as hot as a Waymo stuck in a cul-de-sac. It’s as hot as scrolling Instagram for nine hours straight and not being able to remember a single thing you saw.
Um, what was the question?
Damn. It’s so hot.
We’d all like to wrap our belongings in a kerchief, put them on the end of a stick and follow the railroad tracks out of town
It’s as hot as thinking the midterm elections will be normal. It’s as hot as listening to Pod Save America.
I can’t stop. I’ll tell you why, Andy. It’s because it’s the most fun I’ve had in ages — writing these “as hot as” things. Write some stuff down. It feels good.
Go to a museum. Go to the library. Take your mom to the movies. Take my mom to the movies. Volunteer at a food pantry. Call your senators. Call my senators. Make a public comment at a Metro Council meeting. Please make sure to advocate for kindness. And remember that surveillance is the problem, not the solution.
Do yoga on a mat on your floor. Learn to meditate. When you’ve learned, please teach me.
It’s hot, though. Especially in Las Vegas!
Vegas is as hot as the motor in a motel manager’s oscillating fan. It’s as hot as that lizard in the parking lot. It’s as hot as a showgirl’s vision board. It’s as hot as a concierge’s vision board. It’s as hot as a concierge’s roommate’s vision board. It’s as hot as a dreamcatcher hanging from an Astro van’s rearview mirror.
It’s as hot as perseverance. It’s as hot as loving your neighbor. It’s as hot as never losing hope.
