In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
What is your opinion of Waymo taxis? I am a Nashville resident, and driverless cars seem dangerous to me. When I see one, I have to fight my impulse to run it off the road. Does this make me a bad person? Who can I complain to about this?
Thank you!
—Elaine in Nashville traffic
What is my opinion of Waymo “self-driving” taxis?! Holy crap. I have so many opinions that I don’t know where to begin. I guess the first thing I have to say is that they aren’t really “self-driving.” I couldn’t believe it when I found out. I mean, if you are going to allow a California company to come to your city and steal jobs from taxi and rideshare drivers, then ...
Allow me say it again, and make it even more precise: If you are going to allow a California-based taxi company to take food off of the tables of local taxi and rideshare drivers, then at least the technology should be dazzling. Like, it better be dazzling enough that the rideshare drivers who are now forced to panhandle (on the sides of the same roads where they used to work) should at least be able to say, “Wow! It’s almost worth it to lose our jobs just so we can see these gleaming tributes to human ingenuity roll by. I lost my job, but at least I can die (of a treatable disease) impressed!”
BUT NO. Not even that. They’re not really driverless. They’re “guided” remotely by humans, At least some are in the Philippines. (We may never know how many there are, and where they are, because even when pressed — by United States senators — a Waymo executive got away with saying, “I just don’t have that number.”) That’s right. Nashville is allowing a California company to run cars through the Nashville streets guided — at least partially — by workers outside the United States. Workers without U.S. driver’s licenses, employed specifically to take driving jobs away from (in this case) Tennesseans. That is absolutely incredible to me. I suppose I shouldn’t expect any better from a town that has two taxpayer-subsidized NFL stadiums right next to each other. A town that can’t stop a proven grifter like Elon Musk from tunneling under it. A town that experiences a societal breakdown whenever it snows, etc.
The autonomous vehicle company will partner with Lyft in Nashville next year for a full rollout of driverless robotaxis
If you don’t believe me about the Waymos, hit this link. It will take you to the Senate testimony of Waymo’s “chief safety officer” (lol). He basically argues that the cars are “mostly autonomous.” I would argue that there is no such thing. Something is either autonomous, or it’s not. By the standards of a Waymo exec, my electric egg beater is autonomous. All it needs is someone to plug it in, turn it on, hold it and show it where the eggs are.
In a truly functioning society, Waymos would not be called "self-driving" — they would be called illegal.
Once I knew about the overseas employees, I began to wonder if those whirring “sensors” on the tops and sides of the Waymos are 100 percent theater. Sadly, we may never know — because we will never get a straight answer. Waymo’s chief safety officer filibustered madly before finally, sheepishly admitting to the existence of remote workers. It probably pained him (and his investors) greatly to admit that these cars aren’t what they seem. I bet if you asked him if the sensors on the cars are real, he would say “yes” a bunch, and then, finally, "well, actually ...”
I wrote a column about Bird Scooters years ago, and all the same arguments can be made about Waymo. My main point was: Unless you knew some politically influential people, you wouldn’t be allowed to do it. If you didn’t know anybody, leaving heaps of scooters all over town would be considered littering. Same thing with Waymos. In my opinion, they are nothing more than fancy, job-stealing litter. Elaine, don’t blame yourself for the healthy impulse to dispose of litter. Unfortunately, the guy who runs Waymo knows somebody, so ... it’s illegal to run this particular litter off the road.
Self-driving taxis are here, so what now? Our managing editor ordered a ride and pieced together this FAQ.
I believe that Waymo cars are the physical manifestation of corruption in politics. If the American people had real public servants — if lobbying wasn’t legal — they wouldn’t exist. And don’t mistake “driverless” cars as being part of a movement toward the future — they are taking us directly to the past. A past without labor laws. A past without unions. It’ll be a lot like the 19th century, except with no jobs. Flock cameras and LPRs will keep an eye on the resultant riff-raff (us).
I don’t know who exactly let these depressing, dystopian, job-stealing Roombas onto our streets. Complain to the mayor, the Metro Council, the governor, the state legislature and the chamber of commerce, Elaine, but I’m not at all optimistic about you receiving a satisfactory answer.
Vote! Run for office! Stay passionate! Hang in there!
