Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
Why are there little electric scooters everywhere in my town? Is this supposed to be a good thing? If so, what is good about it? Why is it legal to leave these fucking scooters lying all over the place? How should I proceed?
—Desiree in Nashville
These are excellent questions, Desiree. As a matter of fact, I have the same exact questions! Why is it legal to leave these fucking scooters lying all over the place? (Editor's note: It's not, but people do it anyway.) And it’s not just happening in Nashville — these scooters are plaguing cities around the world.
I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “It’s all who you know.” Well, I don’t know if it’s all “who you know,” but it’s definitely “all who you know” if you plan on getting away with leaving thousands of tacky, for-profit toy scooters on the side of a public road. Got it? When a person who doesn’t know anybody does something like that, it’s called “littering.”
Here is a short play about the “free” market, called The "Free" Market.
The "Free" Market — A Short Play About Shitty Little Scooters
-Act One-
CHIEF OF POLICE: Did you leave 50,000 shitty little scooters all over the streets of Nashville?
SCOOTER WEASEL: Yes. I am the young CEO of Flimzee Scooterz™. My name is Larry.
CHIEF OF POLICE: That’s littering, Larry! Unless ... do you happen to know somebody?
SCOOTER WEASEL: My name is Larry Opry — as in “Grand Ole.”
CHIEF OF POLICE: Please hold.
*everyone smokes cigars*
-The End-
That play was good.
At this point I should explain to those readers whose towns aren't littered with these kids’ toys recast as “transportation alternatives” what exactly is being discussed here.
A couple years ago, some company called “Bird” dropped heaps of crappy little pay-some-asshole-in-Silicon-Valley-per-ride scooters all over the “fun” areas of a bunch of cities. Last year in Nashville, one of the “fun” areas targeted happened to be East Nashville. The scooter people assumed that since East Nashville had already proven incapable of defending itself against the abominable architecture of out-of-town developers, rents driven sky-high by trust fund kids disguised as saloon pianists and the projectile vomit of Airbnb bachelorettes, it would also prove incapable of defending itself against millions of toy scooters. They were right.
I can guarantee you that if “Bird” had heaped scooters on the lawns and putting greens of Belle Meade, Nashville would have permanently banned them.
After you “activate” these goddamn things with your credit card, you ride them until you arrive at your destination — or are run over by a pedal tavern. Whichever comes first. Then you drop them. And people tend to drop them WHEREVER THEY WANT. "WHEREVER THEY WANT," in case you have forgotten, happens to include THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SIDEWALK. How many people have been disfigured as a result of tripping over these things? Is anyone keeping track?
WELCOME TO NASHVILLE! IT HAS BEEN 0 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST SCOOTER-RELATED DISFIGUREMENT™
This whole thing reminds me of something I almost forgot! One time I had an idea to leave 200,000 pepper grinders all over Rio de Janeiro. In fact, I just remembered that I actually did it! The mobile-seasoning™ company I founded was called Grindr (we had it first). I personally scattered 200,000 credit-card-activated grinders on the streets of Rio. It took me nine weeks.
Five turns for 50 cents, was the idea. I never found out if it was a GOOD idea, because I got a HUGE ticket for littering before people could start using the damn things. The police chief asked if I knew somebody. I thought for a minute and said, hopefully, “Evita?” It turns out Evita isn’t from Brazil, and everyone got REALLY mad. Anyway, it took me 200 weeks to clean up the pepper grinders.
My advice to you, Desiree? Attack the scooters with an ax. You are allowed to attack stuff you find in the street with an ax — it’s in the fucking street! I attack almost everything I find in the street with an ax. It’s one of life’s few remaining simple pleasures. Chop chop.
