I had been overcome with delight because of the news of the Nazi tunnel. Could there be a more perfect story for me to write about? It’s got it all: Nazis and our state government sucking up to them; historic creeks, both below and above ground; foreseeable logistical nightmares; folks putting a tent in a parking lot and the media dutifully reporting it as work starts. Plus, it all centers on stuffing the tunnel with the product of a failing car company.
U.S. senator touts ties to President Trump in bid to become first female elected to the post
But now. Now? Marsha Blackburn is running for governor! Is it Christmas already? Did my birthday move? Why is August blessing me like this? There’s a quote that is attributed to Sun-Tsu, but doesn’t seem to have actually originated with him: If you sit by a river long enough, you will see the bodies of your enemies float by.
For some reason, August is bringing me folks floating by.
Marsha Blackburn is a sitting United States senator. And she doesn’t have to do shit. She doesn’t meet with any constituents she hasn’t hand-picked. She doesn’t try to pass laws that benefit her constituents. She gets to be on TV all the time. Unless you’re going to get some sweet ambassadorship in a boring country, what job could be better for coasting out your golden years? Literally, all she has to do is sit there and refuse to leave.
But like Sarah Huckabee Sanders before her, Blackburn's being sent home by the Trump administration to be governor of a state so red that, no matter how incompetent she is, she can’t turn voters off the party. And she appears to be oblivious to the insult.
You all know I loathe Trump, but I will say that he is very skilled at handing out clear insults to Republicans and getting them to accept those insults as compliments. It’s genius, really.
Because Blackburn is a senator, people have to at least be cautious around her and treat her with respect. As governor, she’s going to be in the same spot as Bill Lee — working a job where most people low-key hate him and clearly no one respects him. At least when Bill Lee gets sad about his job, he can call his friend Larry Arnn, and Arnn will tell him he could be president. But Marsha’s a 73-year-old who — if she wins, which seems likely given Tennessee's recent track record — she'd effectively be demoted. What can any charlatan tell her to raise her spirits when being governor starts to feel thankless?
Her announcement video is a thing of beauty. She pledges to continue to pick on trans kids. She’s going to fight the deep state in our schools. And — please for your own safety, remain seated for this next part — she says, “Whether it takes planes, trains, or starships, we'll deport illegal aliens.”
Starships? STARSHIPS?! Marsha, your party is dismantling higher education. Who’s going to design these starships? Who’s going to build them? Who’s going to pilot them? Do you and Tim Burchett have some kind of deal in which he finally figures out where the government is holding all the UFOs, and you use them to kidnap and deport grandmas? (Tullahoma, Tim. It’s Tullahoma.)
Local officials say Music City Loop proposal from Elon Musk’s The Boring Company has moved too quickly with too little information
If we have starship technology, why don’t we use UFOs to get tourists to the airport? How come we get stuck with a tunnel when Blackburn’s got starships for aliens? Forget Amtrak, let’s just shoot across the state in Blackburn’s flying saucers. There’s something so Tennessee about the idea that we don’t have money to keep rural hospitals open, but we have money for spaceships.
Here’s the thing: If you’ve lived through Biden and these past six months of Trump, it casts a different light on Blackburn’s shenanigans. Many of us — myself included — thought Blackburn didn’t have open constituent events because she didn’t want to face criticism or hard questions. But now I wonder if she actually can’t do them.
I saw that Blackburn was joining her daughter at the Tennessee State Museum to read her daughter’s children’s book about suffrage, and I thought, “Oh, that’s lovely that she’s so supportive of her daughter’s work.” But now I’m concerned that her campaign knows she needs to do some public appearances, so what better than reading a kid’s book with her daughter right by her side to make sure nothing goes wrong?
I’m sitting here laughing about Blackburn coming home from Congress, because I assumed Trump doesn’t want her around D.C. anymore. But maybe she isn’t with-it enough to handle D.C. anymore. Plus, she's dodging questions on whether she'll do any debates or forums during this run. Maybe this is her bowing out gracefully?
And I get it. If Blackburn’s losing her step, getting her out of Congress so that somebody (cough, Glenn Jacobs, cough) can take her spot is important. And there’s not a lot of harm she can do the state without the state legislature’s oversight, so maybe this is a good way to make her feel like she’s staying relevant while limiting her power.
But, man, we’re about to get a governor who can say she’s going to put illegal aliens in starships, and it’s not clear if she understands that illegal aliens aren’t actual space aliens.
It’s great! Terrifying but great.
