June. I used to love this month when I was a kid. It meant trips to Gulf Shores with my family. A condo on stilts, plastic pale full of seashells, and a bottle of whiskey my dad hid under a sand castle so my mom wouldn’t give him grief. Those precious memories have been harder to re-create with my own little family ever since Pride Month took over. Now, it seems like my little ones can’t go one minute on vacation without being confronted with an LGBLT sandwich.
But this year is different thanks to Gov. Lee, who’s declared June as Nuclear Family Month in Tennessee. In his resolution, the governor said the nuclear family is “God's design for familial structure and has been the bedrock of society since the creation of the world.” And it’s true, God’s will is that a man leave his family and join with one woman who was in a previous relationship with a snake and make two children so brilliant they invent the concept of murder. That’s what family is to me. And anyone that’s been in my kitchen knows that, because it’s written on a piece of driftwood my husband Scruggs gave me for Christmas.
Gov. Bill Lee signed a symbolic proclamation praising 'God’s design for familial structure' — in a state built on slavery and facing an affordability crisis
Betsy Phillips claimed Nuclear Family Month was a “metaphorical middle finger to Tennessee’s LGBTQ residents” in this very publication back in April. And to that I’d say: Don’t worry, Mama. Nuclear Family Month is going to be just as inclusive as the media would have you believe Pride Month is. Though it’s true we’re not celebrating gay or lesbian families, extended families, polycules or single-parent families, there’s still a ton of diversity in nuclear families: military husband, stay-at-home mom, kid with a peanut allergy; business husband, stay-at-home mom, gluten-intolerant twins; and even police husband, stay-at-home mom, three kids with IBS.
The Nuclear Family Pride Parade will feature all your favorite nuclear family pop culture figures too, including: computer everyone has to use in the kitchen, big pair of shoes left by the back door, bitter recriminations, an old pet that no one wants to admit needs to die, and the Burger King where you park before you go home so you can have a whole moment to remember who you once were.
And unlike Pride, you won’t have to deal with big, raucous crowds dancing and singing in the street at Nuclear Family Month. No. In order to re-create suburban living as God intended, the Nuclear Family Parade will feature family pods, small tailored enclosures with a viewing window large enough to allow you to see the parade but partitions tall enough you don’t have to perceive other people around you. And if anyone steps out of their pods, don’t worry. HOA members are ready to step in and shoot offenders on site.
Best of all, now that our politicians have finally redistricted our state so that Democrats can’t sneak in their globalist agenda, we know our representatives will stand up for Tennessee mamas like us and make sure we have access to things we need, like affordable healthcare and childcare. Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?
I’m sorry I’ve been parked at this Burger King for over three hours, so I really have to end it here.
