Petty Crime Roundup 2021

Sometimes it’s not exactly clear to whom a particular Boner Award should be given.

Take, for example, an incident at Nissan Stadium in mid-July. Metro police arrested a man for theft after spotting him loading 29 beers from a cooler at the stadium into a black trash bag and a box. He dropped the brews when stadium security gave chase (there’s your Boner!), and when police asked why he stole the beer (um, because beer is great?) he said, “Because the door was open.” Basically the 2021 version of Edmund Hillary climbing Mt. Everest because it is there. The man was charged with burglary — though given the price of stadium beer, he’s lucky it wasn’t grand larceny, am I right?!

Anyway, this little tale raises the question: Who takes this Boner? The Titans for not locking the stadium? The man, for the act itself? Surely not. His only bonehead moment was dropping the cans. The police for arresting him instead of cheering him as a liberator?

Sometimes, of course, the Boner is a little more cut-and-dried.

A few days before our sudsy hero pulled his heist, Nashville firefighters put down a raging blaze at a Nolensville Road Taco Bell. (With all the great, genuine Mexican options on Nolensville, perhaps this Boner should go to the people who keep that Taco Bell in business, but I digress.)

A review of security footage showed (presumably bored) employees locking the doors to the restaurant and then chasing one another with fireworks before disappearing into the men’s room for God knows what reason. Then they come back, place something into a trash can and head outside to record the results of this experiment with their cellphone cameras.

Heretofore, this is mostly just a stupid prank, but what vaults it into Bonerdom is this: The trash fire got out of control, and when the employees tried to rush back inside to extinguish the blaze, they realized they had locked themselves out. Yes, authorities charged them with aggravated arson.

Sometimes Boners go in a different direction that you expect. To wit, here’s a Tide Pod Boner. Surely you’re thinking, “Oh no, the teens with their TikToks and their complicated haircuts are up to it again.” Or maybe you’re thinking a certain twice-impeached former president and election loser is encouraging his cultists to try a new COVID treatment. Instead, this Boner goes to a 23-year-old man who allegedly stole 10 bags of Tide Pods from the Gallatin Avenue Kroger while driving his uncle’s car. Contacted by police, the uncle gave up his nephew, who at least probably smelled nice.

Speaking of the wrong car, did you hear about the Broadway celebrant who had a little too much to drink and decided to just hop into cars on the thoroughfare? It was all fun and games until he hopped into an MNPD patrol car. Whoops! At least the officers didn’t have to perp-walk the guy too far.

There’s a saying in politics, bad decision-making and other Boner-inducing activities that any person confronted with troublesome charges should always admit what they can’t deny and deny what they can’t admit. This is why anyone pulled over for a DUI tends to say they had “two or three beers.” Usually. Some folks, like one 27-year-old Nashville man, decide instead to stretch the truth to the moon. Pulled over for driving left of center, the man said, yes, he’d taken one shot while working. The breathalyzer told a different story when it popped him at 0.223. A shot of what, bud? Rocket fuel?

At least that guy was an actual employee, unlike a 52-year-old man who snuck through a window at Kid Rock’s Big Ass Disease Vector and Puke Palace and milled around the back of the house pretending to be an employee. Once he’d fooled his “co-workers,” he went into the club itself, took more than $80 in orders from bar patrons, then turned around and spent that money on drinks for himself.

The guy could have just filled out an application, you know. Like the 22-year-old who went into a Brick Church Pike business looking for work and filled out an application — but instead of leaving and waiting anxiously by the phone for a callback, he instead (allegedly) stole $300 in cash from the business’s office — plus a credit card, which he proceeded to use at a nearby pawn shop. The police had no trouble tracking him down, since he put his actual home address and phone number on the application.

And that, dear reader, is how you don’t get a job. And here’s how not to act when you lose a job: Don’t mess up the batter room.

Moments after being told he was free to pursue other opportunities, a 23-year-old employee — well, former employee — of Wonton Food charged into the batter room. Which is a room … with batter in it, I guess? Anyway, he yanked the main valve, sending batter all over the batter room, making the room for the making of batter look more like a room made of batter. Obviously no more batter could be used in the manufacture of batter-based foods that day, so the shop shut down. The man fled, but was eventually arrested and charged with aggravated vandalism.

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