Whether you're trekking out to Manchester for Bonnaroo or hanging out in town for CMA Fest, this weekend is gonna be a busy one, but you don't have to face it alone! We've got everything you need to know about both festivals. Click here for links to all of our Bonnaroo and CMA previews. And be sure to visit Nashville Cream through the weekend, too — we'll be posting tons of photos and updates from the farm.
As anyone who's ever attended will tell you, Bonnaroo is more than just a festival. Sure, there's the music and art and community and camaraderie, but for every totally epic tale about the time Win Butler of Arcade Fire came out into the crowd and dripped sweat right on your face, there's a glassy-eyed war story of seeing something terrible, something life-changing. Something so dark and bleak that it leaves you a different person. Those war stories invariably involve the porta-potties.
God knows the good men and women of the portable toilet and shower industry do their best to keep a pop-up city of 80,000 safe and sanitary and in relative comfort, but the unholy equation of people + sun + booze + pharmaceuticals + four days of a questionable diet equals more than one bowel disaster, hidden behind those swinging plastic doors like the world's worst version of Let's Make a Deal. The lady or the tiger? Neither, it's a pile of stranger vomit.
But this year, perhaps, America's young women and men might return home with one less recurring nightmare about a poop mountain that just won't stop growing. Hundreds of brand-spanking-new, honest-to-God flush toilets have been installed at the site, thanks to a new permanent water line. Weep at the civilized beauty of your waste being whisked away! Marvel at the miracle of porcelain! Wash your hands, at a sink, just like society intended!
Guess what else! There are also more filling stations for water bottles near the facilities (is there any more comforting euphemism?) to keep your sun-blasted ass hydrated. They've also installed new shower buildings, so make sure to bring your shower flip-flops and back scrubber. It's very clear that step by step, piece by piece, Bonnaroo is working to ensure festivalgoers have the best experience possible.
Of course, a few hundred real working toilets won't be the only restrooms available to Bonnaroo's crowd — much like when I return from the festival and try to see where my money went, the numbers just don't add up. There will still probably be porta-potties aplenty in the camping grounds and at Centeroo. Hopefully, the blocs of superior facilities will ease congestion at the portable poop buckets, thus ensuring a good time for all.
Which is why I have to tell you — DON'T FUCK THIS UP. Flush the toilets, people! Men, aim for the bowl or urinal! There's no need to be a monster. Ladies: Don't squat. You're not going to get toilet-seat cancer, and do you really want to leave your pee splatter behind for everyone to enjoy? Tampons — don't flush. In fact, skip your placebo week and avoid that mess entirely. Share toilet paper and anti-bacterial gel freely. Let the nauseated-looking stranger move ahead in line. That's another thing about war stories — we're all in this together.
