What we talk about (or think we talk about) when we talk about wine

One problem with wine, a libation associated with good living, is that those who enjoy it suffer an image problem: They are often seen as stiff. The reputation does indeed fit those wine drinkers who seem to delight in the inaccessibility not only of rare vintages, but of the culture itself. Whether it poses a mere picket fence or The Great Wall, wine jargon can certainly be a barrier to entry.

The reason otherwise agreeable wine lovers are sticklers about their argot is that everything in wine production matters. The grape matters, as do where and in what kind of soil the grape is grown. It matters how the wine is aged, as does the size of the vessel that holds it. These factors affect the taste and experience of the wine, and using the correct words is therefore about much more than just creating an exclusive culture — more essential than, say, calling a small coffee a tall, just because.

Below is a beginning glossary of essential and often misused or misunderstood wine terms that will, I hope, make your next wine experience more understandable, more rewarding, or at least less embarrassing.

Champagne

I know that cabernet comes before Champagne alphabetically, but it makes sense to start here. Champagne is a region of France, north of Paris, known for producing peerless sparkling wine. Although the fact that the whole world calls any old fizzy wine champagne is a compliment to the Champenois, it drives them bats.

I'd be a fool to expect anyone to change his or her behavior based on sparing the French some aggravation, so don't get it right for them; irregardless of what the French think, calling all sparkling wine champagne is as wrong as saying irregardless. The special provenance of the grapes aside, the Champenois guard the quality of their wines with vigilance, and their tightly monitored, extremely expensive method results a sublime libation that generally puts cheaper Italian, Spanish and other alternatives to shame. So if you are willing to call your Casio an Omega and your Ford Focus a Ferrari, by all means, keep calling Korbel champagne. Otherwise, it's probably time to use the term with care (and capitalize real Champagne, after its region). Call ersatz champagnes bubbly or sparkling wine.

Cabernet

or cab, refers to cabernet sauvignon, which is the king of California grapes — at least price-wise. It is also the principal grape in most Bordeaux wines. For most transactions, abandoning the sauvignon is harmless, but be warned: there is also a grape called cabernet franc, so you court the slight danger of being misunderstood. It's like referring to your favorite singer as Dave; you might be thinking "Lee Roth," but the listener (cringe) might be thinking "Matthews."

Dry

Dryness in wine is the absence of sugar, end of story. That dustiness on your tongue and teeth — a feeling that is often described as dryness — is actually caused by tannin in the wine. In martini parlance, the opposite of dry is wet; in wine, it's sweet.

Pinot

Common abbreviation of pinot noir. It is also a common abbreviation of pinot grigio, which of course renders the whole abbreviation useless, as further clarification is often necessary. Either way, it's pronounced "PEE-no." The noir part is pronounced "no-AHR," with the "r" sound softened and pushed to the back of your throat just a little — but not totally transformed into a "-WAH." Some people, apparently believing that the trick to speaking French is just dropping consonants and slashing whole syllables from words, fuse the two words into a minotaur of a word: pee-no-WAH. I guess what I am saying is, just say pinot.

Sweet

Sweet wines have sugar in them. This means the fermentation was arrested before the yeast had the chance to turn all the sugar into alcohol. It stands to reason, then, that sweeter wines usually have a lower alcohol content, which sometimes dips down into beer country. Dry wines, especially those that are low in tannin, can often be perceived as sweet, when really what they are is fruity.

Tannin

This is very important. Tannin is a substance found in the skins, stems and seeds of grapes. Since white wines are made without the skins, they have negligible tannin. Red wines have tannin in varying degrees, and it is often perceived as a dustiness on the tongue and teeth. Tannin is useful, as it allows red wines to age and helps them contend with high-fat foods. Some people detest the sensation of tannin in young wines. I have learned through years of interpreting the desires of novice wine drinkers that many people who say they want a "sweet" red wine often really want a fruity, low-tannin wine. Pinot noir is very low in tannin.

Terroir

Pronounced "tare-WAHR." This is a beautifully nebulous term that has been forced into vile servitude as an industry buzzword. It refers to the sum of factors that determine a wine's characteristics, taking into account influences both measurable and inexplicable. Unfortunately, negligent users now use it to basically mean "dirt."

Varietal

This is a noun, and it is how wine people say "grape," as in, "What is the most widely planted varietal in Sonoma County?" It is also an adjective, describing a wine that is not a blend of different grapes, as in, "I didn't know Ridge made a varietal carignan."

Vintage

The year in which a wine was harvested — not bottled. Since Northern Hemisphere vineyards are harvested in the fall, it is often the next calendar year before they are bottled, let alone released. Sometimes wines are released years or even decades after harvest. For example, a Brunello di Montalcino harvested in 2010 may have been bottled a couple years later and released in 2015. Still, the label would say 2010. Wines don't have to have a vintage — they are notated as MV (multi-vintage) or NV (nonvintage) on wine lists.

Zinfandel

A red grape widely grown in California. Refer to it as zinfandel, because when you refer to it as red zinfandel, you are tacitly granting white zinfandel — a sweet, low-quality pink wine — credibility as the mainstream zinfandel-based wine. By and large, the white zinfandel demographic generally makes the Matlock demographic look like the Bieber demographic.

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