Chintzy necklaces! Former Bachelorettes! Nude volleyball! The latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise has everything you need to take your mind off the terrifying dumpster fire that is currently planet Earth. Enjoy.
We pick up where we left off last night: Aaron and Thomas are fighting on the beach like a couple of bronzed Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots in skinny jeans. It’s hard to tell if Aaron is more upset that Tammy kissed Thomas or that his fellow contestants are feeling pity for him. If it makes you feel better, Aaron, I pity every one of you equally. After Aaron and Thomas conclude their duel, Aaron tells Tammy their relationship is over, and she cries because it was never her intention to hurt anyone. How was she to know that the man she’s been dating would be hurt by watching her straddle a man he loathes with every fiber of his being? Men can be so sensitive sometimes.
There’s a Rose Ceremony coming up and the women are handing out the roses this week. There are 10 women and 14 men so that means four men are going home, just in case this show has melted so many of your brain cells you can no longer do basic math. The guys are working hard to earn the roses. Riley writes a rap for Maurissa and Chasen gives Deandra a necklace he swiped from Liberace. The twinkling of the gaudy fake rhinestones blinds her to Chasen’s douchery, and she decides to give Karl back his cheesy charm bracelet so he can return it to the Pandora kiosk from whence it came. Karl is so angry about the chintzy necklace — so am I, for the record, but for different reasons than Karl — that he and Chasen also get in an argument on the beach and, as evidence of how excruciatingly lame these guys are, here’s a sample of their zingers: Karl calls Chasen “Captain Upperpants” and Chasen calls Karl “Captain One-Liner.” Wow, sick burns, bruh. How will you ever recover?
Meanwhile, Tre is sick of slurping his uncle’s sloppy seconds and tells Tahzjuan that he doesn’t see a future with her. He decides to leave the show on his own accord, and I wish he’d take me with him. Lance Bass decides it’s time to say bye-bye-bye too (seriously, take me with you), but before he goes, he brings back former Bachelorette Becca. She dumped her racist boyfriend a year ago and is ready to date on national television again, since that worked out so well for her the last two times. The guys light up when she arrives, but Tahz, who spent much of last night’s episode screaming into the ocean (you and me both, friend), promptly decides to leave. Becca takes a few minutes to chat with the guys and then it’s Rose Ceremony time. Roses go to Brendan (Natasha), Riley (Maurissa), Grocery Store Joe (Serena), Noah (Abigail), Smoke Bro Chris (Jessenia), Thomas (Tammy), Kenny (Demi) and James (Mari). Then it’s time for Deandra to take the podium. She proves what an absolute queen she is by not giving the rose to Smoke Bro Chasen or Claire’s Bracelet Karl and instead gives it to precious Ivan. Deandra,,,,,thank u. Becca gives out the final rose of the night to Aaron.
The next morning, Tia arrives for her second go at Bachelor in Paradise. The first time she ended up with a guy who turned out to be gay, and this time she apparently has a death wish because she asks out Kenny. Demi, who has built her entire relationship with Kenny on the basis of being fun and flirty and sexy and carefree, is kinda pissed that he now wants to be fun and flirty and sexy and carefree with someone else. Have you no respect for the sanctity of the Boom-Boom Room, Kenneth?
Abigail and Noah, one of the “strongest couples” on the show, are having doubts about their relationship. Abigail and Noah seem like perfectly lovely people, but these two are a total snoozefest and after watching them talk about their emotions for 30 minutes, I’m now having doubts about their relationship as well. I’m also having doubts about why I agreed to recap this show again.
Tia and Kenny are walking down the beach on their date when they’re approached by three strangers who invite them to play volleyball. Stranger danger! But before the game starts, the strangers start taking off their clothes. Naked stranger danger! Tia is afraid to show her “china pot” (her words not mine and I don’t even want to begin to psychoanalyze this one) but she agrees to reveal the ta-tas. Let those babies breathe, Tia. Kenny showed up naked on day one with absolutely no prompting from anyone, so it’s no surprise that he strips down immediately. Things flail about as they play a game of nude volleyball and eventually make out in the ocean. Tia is definitely going to be murdered in her sleep by Demi. Nice knowing you, lady.
Back at the resort, Grocery Store Joe and Serena are flirting and vibing and talking about how they’re the strongest couple on the beach. Nothing could possibly come between them, right? Right? RIGHT, ABC??? Oh shit, Kendall just arrived looking straight fire and … the show is to be continued. My esteemed colleague Steven Hale will be taking over recapping duties next Monday because I’m off to Mexico, where I will hopefully find these people and slap some sense into them.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 1
Drinks Consumed: A very large water bottle (gotta hydrate for Mexico, baby)
Fights on the Beach: 2
Naked Strangers on the Beach: 3