Comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
As I’m sure you are aware, there has been a school shooting in Nashville. The politicians in charge of the state of Tennessee (Republicans) refuse to address the gun problem. They say gun laws don’t work. But no law fully works. But laws help, right? That argument seems crazy to me. Under that theory, why do we have any laws? How can we stop this from happening to our children?
—Tiffany in Knoxville
Thanks for the question, Tiffany. This will be the fourth column I’ve written about guns. The first one was in 2015. Eight years ago.
The Columbine massacre was in 1999. In 2007, it was Virginia Tech. The Sandy Hook shooting was in 2012. In 2018, Parkland, Fla. In 2022, Uvalde, Texas. March 27, 2023, in Nashville, Tennessee. But there are so many more. These are just a few of the DOZENS AND DOZENS of school shootings in America. And dozens and dozens more, too. It’s insane. It’s beyond belief. It’s made everyone crazy. We are all crazy. This has been going on for DECADES.
THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF CHILDREN IN AMERICA IS GUNS.
THAT IS NOT THE CASE IN OTHER COUNTRIES. I repeat: It is NOT THE CASE.
And coincidentally, OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE STRONGER GUN LAWS.
I’ll say it again, for the politicians in Tennessee: OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE STRONGER GUN LAWS.
Now do the goddamn math.
Surprise! AMERICA’S WEAK GUN LAWS ARE KILLING CHILDREN.
Since it is really easy to prove that America’s lax gun laws have led to more children being killed by guns, it also follows really easily that the people who are not making stronger gun laws are the ones killing them. It’s not complicated:
Weak gun laws kill children + not enacting stronger gun laws allows more children to die = POLITICIANS ARE KILLING CHILDREN.
“POLITICIANS ARE KILLING CHILDREN.” Sounds pretty rough, huh? Not nearly as rough as hearing that there’s been a shooting at your child’s school.
Back to Tennessee. In Tennessee, you don’t really run for office, so much as you are installed in office. Gerrymandering has created districts that are pretty much guaranteed to vote for a certain political party. The person from that party who runs the most TV ads generally wins. TV ads are expensive. The money for the TV ads comes from rich people. So, RICH PEOPLE DECIDE WHO GETS ELECTED. Again, not complicated — a few statistics, adding, subtracting. Just like the gun thing — it's easy to figure out what’s going on.
Under this system, the politicians have to do whatever the rich people say, or the rich people won’t run any more TV ads for them. Sometimes REALLY rich guys buy TV ads for lots of candidates. In Tennessee, one of those rich guys is Lee Beaman. He gets more say in Tennessee gun policy than you or me — or the parents whose children are being shot. And do you know why he gets so much say in whether your kids live or die? Because he owns a car dealership.
PLEASE SPARE OUR CHILDREN, RICH CAR-DEALER GUY.
The American political system is broken, Tiffany, and my spirit is damn near broken as well. Citizens United must be overturned, or we all die.
