Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.

Dear Advice King, 

I have two children in elementary school. How do I protect them from the anxiety of active-shooter drills and just a plain old fear of being killed? How can any of us live with any grace surrounded by all these guns? 

—Heather in Dallas


Hi Heather. Thank you for the question. It’s a question we’re all asking — in some form — right now. And before, too. This is the third time I've written about guns. 

I don’t have children, but I can’t understand why Americans are willing to accept living in this uniquely dangerous environment. Well, I do understand. We don’t have a choice.

Weapons manufacturers run our lives. They prop up politicians who refuse to enact gun laws, no matter what American citizens demand. Gun industry money is funneled into political campaigns through proxy organizations like the National Rifle Association, and dark-money super PACs. Once elected, these “public servants” not only obliterate gun laws, they hand a shit ton of our tax money to the Pentagon, which passes it back to the weapons industry. It’s a bloody circle of corruption — and dead kids.

No matter what the Second Amendment says, it was definitely not intended to create a country with so many goddamn guns in it that our children couldn’t safely attend school. Europeans didn’t board ships heading for the “New World” because there weren’t enough mass shootings there. America was mainly supposed to be a country devoted to freedom of religion and HAPPINESS. Not anxiety and AR-15s. Not heaps of bodies in supermarkets and kindergartens.

Both parties can be blamed for the loss of manufacturing jobs. It was a bipartisan operation to take away those jobs, and the dignity that went with them. It wasn’t “Marxism,” or “socialism.” It was capitalism. Capitalism took your dignity, and mine. Republicans and Democrats watched the unions decline — together. Full-time jobs became temp jobs, pensions were taken away. And AR-15s won’t fix it. 

You can’t bring back the middle class with guns. You can’t bring back the coal industry with guns. And most importantly, you can’t take over the government with them. Oh, maybe in 1776 you could have taken over the government with guns. Sure. But there weren’t any tanks then. Or tear gas. Or weaponized Anthrax. Or nuclear weapons. Your guns are not taking over shit. They’re killing your kids. And my kids. And what’s left of the American Dream, too.

It sounds corny, but violence is NEVER the answer — to anything. I would rather die with my arms outstretched than live forever pointing a gun. 

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