Advice King: What's the Best Way to Deal With a Breakup?

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.

Dear Advice King,

What's the best way to deal with a breakup?

—Mark in Los Angeles

Gosh, who knows? No one knows. Thank Christ, because if we knew, my favorite art form would be obsolete: the love song. If we knew exactly how to deal with a breakup — if we could just buy a boat, or a fancier coffee machine, or a new necklace — we wouldn’t need love songs. In fact, we’d be perfect capitalists.

But we’re not. We’re shitty, broken capitalists. Because we are also lovers. And whoever made us, made us that way on purpose. So saying “fuck your feelings” is the same as saying “fuck myself” and “fuck whatever made me.” And “fuck love songs.”

Fuck that.

The best way that I know of to deal with a breakup is … live through it. That’s all you can do. You are lost at sea. The thing is, we are all lost at sea, all the time, but we are usually able to distract ourselves. Breakups grant a person excruciating focus. You are temporarily undistracted, and undistractable. You are inconsolably enlightened! In these moments you can only see what matters: love.

For example, cryptocurrency holds no interest for the recently heartbroken — for good reason! It’s a gimmick for people who have lost their bearings. Going through a breakup may leave you shattered, but your bearings are never clearer. Your eyes and heart are square on the prize:

THE PRIZE HAS 4 LETTERS AND STARTS WITH “L.”

I can’t write it (love) too many times, or all the unenlightened people will barf, but … pine for the prize. Write about it. Sing songs about it.

I’m listening to The Wedding Present’s 1989 album Bizarro as I write this. It’s all about love. It’s one of my favorite records of all time. The follow up, 1991’s Seamonsters, is also all about love. They’re both from before the internet, and they still sound fresh. But how, you ask? Because human sentiment is the same as it’s always been, no matter how hard we try to run from it. It’ll be the same on Mars.

No matter how “over it” the abbreviations in our texts make us seem, how cynical the memes we share are, how many fake-smiling selfies we take — no matter how high we get — we are still just lonely little monkeys. Monkeys who feel best in a warm embrace. And you can’t put your arms around a debit card.

I’m sorry, Mark. I know you are in pain, but on the bright side, you hold the keys to the universe. Listen to love songs, and write some too!

Here are a few of my favorites:

John Denver: “My Sweet Lady” 

The Band: “It Makes No Difference”

Ted Hawkins: “Sorry You’re Sick”

Johnny Thunders: “You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory”

Kate and Anna McGarrigle: “Mendocino”

Chris Crofton: “It’s All My Fault”