In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Hello, Advice King readers! It’s Chris. This fall marks 10 years of the Advice King appearing in the Nashville Scene. Over those years, I’ve written columns about the Thanksgiving holiday many times. Usually the question has something to do with how one should go about trying to keep the peace while seated at a table full of people with differing political views. And this year is no different — except many people’s “political views” have suddenly become considerably less … appetizing. In conclusion, here goes nothing!
Dear Advice King,
It’s almost Thanksgiving. How should I handle dealing with in-laws on the opposite end of the political spectrum?
—Paul in Portland, Ore.
Hi Paul! Wow. Wow wow wow. Dear God. Et cetera.
Well, I’m not going to lie, Paul — this year is going to be a doozy. This year is already a doozy, obviously. But it’s one thing to peacefully coexist with deranged strangers, and a whole other thing to sit down to dinner with an actual Republican.
For example, when a giant black Dodge pickup truck with a “Don’t Tread on Me” license plate tailgates my Honda Fit in an attempt to “own the libs,” I can pull to the side of the road and let it pass (i.e., “own”) me (i.e., “lib”). However, when the driver of a truck like that — your MMA-fighter brother-in-law Dustin, perhaps — asks the “lib” in the chair next to him (your grandmother) for the “fucking mashed potatoes,” we may have an actual situation on our hands.
Fun fact: In the context of driving, “Don’t Tread on Me” mostly means “I don’t use turn signals.”
But seriously, this year is different. It’s quite sad. Nearly half the country voted in favor of “mass deportations.” And it’s supposed to have something to do with … inflation?
I mean, you obviously lost me at “mass deportations,” but it makes me even madder that the reason given to justify this absolutely un-American, un-Christian brutality is supposed to have something to do with the price of eggs?!
And before you say it, I know what comes next: My alcoholic, Republican uncle slurring, “It’s not just the eggs, it’s the TV-14” — he means MS-13, he’s drunk — “gangs who took over those apartment buildings. They’re eating the pets!”
It makes me wonder if these folks have ever left the house.
Black Lives Matter didn’t burn down Minnesota, Uncle Steve — cable news burned down your brain.
Oh there is a crisis here in America — one that actually DOES have to do with the price of eggs: monopolies. But “monopolies” isn’t what Americans want to hear, because that would involve accepting that it’s you (and me) who made the price of eggs so high. By falling for trickle-down economics, voting again and again for candidates who loosened regulations on big business, voting again and again for lower taxes for the rich, standing by as the Supreme Court gutted campaign finance laws and as the Federal Reserve bailed out the banks, watching as the giant corporate PPP loans were forgiven, standing by as hedge funds bought up housing, and …
But that’s not the worst part! A lot of us didn’t even bother to vote — and many still don’t bother — because they think, because it’s America, things will just magically work themselves out. Well, in case you haven’t noticed, they aren’t magically working themselves out. And no matter who you deport, monopolies will still set the price of eggs (and rent, and medical care, and everything else) as high as they want, and there won’t be a damn thing you can do about it. Face it, America: We all did this together. And racism won’t fix it.
Say all that, Paul. Say that, scream, “Viva la Mexico!” and flip the dinner table.
Also, everyone on the Mayflower was an “illegal migrant.”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING?
