In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram  (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I’ve made a resolution to stop cursing, but I need to express my anger and excitement somehow. Do you have any clean cuss phrases I could employ?
—Randy in Gatlinburg
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Finally, a front-burner issue!
I’m not sure how the fuck to approach this. Fuck! Goddammit. Shitballs.Â
I might be the wrong person to ask. If I’d started a “swear jar” in 1992 I’d have an Airbnb empire by now. Thinking about that really steams my gonads.Â
Is “gonads” a swear? If gonads is a swear I’m going to have a hard time answering this fucking question. I was going to say that “gonads” would be a clean cuss word. As far as phrases, I was thinking “Queen Elizabeth’s gonads” might be good. But then I imagine someone saying “Queen Elizabeth’s gonads” at work, and it seems like that could be considered even worse than a regular swear. But since your name is Randy and you live in Gatlinburg, I’m going to assume you work at a store that sells a mixture of fireworks, fake mustaches, butterfly knives and nitrous, so maybe no one would bat an eye if you screamed “Queen Elizabeth’s gonads” when the credit card machine ran out of paper. But is that technically a “clean cuss”?
Who has the final say in these matters? A Facebook admin? Jeff Bezos? As far as I’m concerned, they can both hug and kiss Queen Elizabeth’s gargantuan gonads.Â
Just like every other American, I’m completely disoriented
What was the fucking question?
I’ll tell you one thing, Randy. Don’t read Charles Bukowski’s Notes of a Dirty Old Man. That book made me cuss more than anything in the world. I cussed a fair amount before I read it, but afterward? Holy shit. Holy corn-speckled shit. Before I read it, I never added in stuff like “corn-speckled.”
I would suggest using old-timey cuss words, but MAGA politicians have the market cornered on that. Profane policies, sure! But language straight from a 1956 Cub Scout Jamboree: “Heavens to Betsy, we’re not taking away anyone’s doggone health care!” Â
Speaking of politics, a good “clean cuss” for the Nashville area would be “East Bank.” Like if I stubbed my toe, I could yell “East Bank!” Or, “The quote-unquote affordable housing proposed for the East Bank!”
If you feel like you don’t know enough about the East Bank to use those, try screaming, “Why do we have two football stadiums right next to each other?!” Â
Good luck, Randy. Here are three bonus “clean” cusses:Â
1. Nudity!
2. Barbecued beef!
3. Mumford & Sons!
