In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
Should I be for or against speed cushions?
—Matt in Nashville
For the benefit of readers outside of the Nashville area, this question is referring to the fact that speed cushions are being installed on roads all over town. Now. In 2025. It has been determined by the powers-that-be that it is time for Nashvillians to slow down.
I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the fire in the library garage. Readers outside of Nashville are probably wondering what the hell that means. It means what it says, sort of. A space in the library garage leased by the Nashville Downtown Partnership to a contractor caught fire. A bunch of flammable gas containers were found in the garage after the fire. The explosion was big enough that it made the entire parking structure unsafe, so the garage, and the Nashville Public Library downtown, have been closed for months.
Just like every other American, I’m completely disoriented
What’s the Downtown Partnership, you might ask. It’s a coalition of wealthy businessmen (some of them bar owners) who control Nashville’s drunken, hugely profitable — and completely embarrassing (with the exception of Robert’s and one or two other places) — downtown. The library parking garage is (er, used to be) one of the few places you could park downtown without needing a smartphone.*
So maybe the optics of a bunch of bar owners blowing up the library parking garage was so regressive that the powers-that-be decided installing some speed cushions would balance things out. Like, “Did you hear about Nashville? You can’t park downtown without $40 and an email address, AND some rich dudes blew up the library. But they’re also installing speed cushions, so they’re obviously not crazy!”
I’m pretty sure that’s what they were thinking. Not totally sure. But let’s pretend it’s true. Using this “speed cushions as indicators of sanity” system, how many speed cushions are we gonna have to install to balance out the fact that Oracle is putting its corporate headquarters here? That’s right, its HEADQUARTERS. Oracle is among the world’s largest surveillance companies.
How many speed cushions will it take to make “Music City” feel better about its rebranding as “Surveillance City”? So fucking many. They’ll probably put one in your meemaw’s kitchen!
Speaking of what used to be called Music City, beloved East Nashville musician Todd Snider passed away recently. I wonder if Larry Ellison, Oracle or the Downtown Partnership know who he is.
Todd Snider — and other true, kind artists like him — are the reason people thought this town was cool to begin with. Nothing to do with money. Nothing to do with stadiums. Nothing to do with surveillance.
Let’s fight for music and kindness, in memory of Todd — and all the good people who call Nashville home. I don’t have anything against speed cushions, Matt. I just want to live in a town that stands for something.
* That’s right: Parking in many parts of Nashville is unavailable to people without smartphones — i.e., the poor and elderly.
