In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I've been struggling to write a science-fiction book. Every time I sit down to write it, I only write a couple paragraphs. Then I feel really embarrassed and shy about it, and then I quit. You wrote a book, how did you do it?
—Jared from Mars
How to write a science fiction book?! NOW WE’RE TALKING!
I have an idea for a science-fiction book, but I’m not going to tell you what it’s about, because I’m going to make a ton of money. OK, OK, I’ll give you a little bit: A bunch of people live in the desert and look for something called “spice,” and they ride big worms. It’s tentatively titled The Worm Hubbub.
This question reminds me of a column I wrote years ago about how to write an X-Men script. It’s a great column. Go read it! It’s included in my book. Go get my book!
Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him …
My book is a compilation of previously published columns, so I’ve actually never written a book from scratch. To write a book from scratch, I would assume you’ll need to rent a stone cottage in the English countryside and start drinking heavily. I’m just kidding. That’s the way they used to write books. Now books are written in condominiums by people who do hot yoga. But they’re just as good! [Cough]
Real talk: Drinking doesn’t help with writing. Neither does a condominium.
One more thing: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that having access to the internet and trying to write a book are not compatible. Turn off the smartphone or you’ll never make it out of Chapter 1.
Start writing! Don’t be embarrassed! The world is so embarrassing right now it doesn’t make any difference. No matter what you do, you’ll never be as embarrassing as a member of the United States Congress.
Now I’m going to give you an idea for a sci-fi novel that you can have. For free. It’s all yours. Here it is:
FREE SCI-FI NOVEL IDEA
Sci-fi novels are usually set in the future. Not always, but let’s not take any chances — we want this thing to sell, so it will be set in the future. The characters in sci-fi novels should have good outfits, so people can dress up like them at Comic-Con. The most popular sci-fi books are about “good” and “evil.” I don’t believe in good and evil, by the way. We are all nuanced, and flawed. We contain multitudes. Despots and pastors use cartoonish, one-dimensional concepts like “good and evil” as tools to divide us. But I digress. We want this book to sell, so it’s going to be about good and evil. Here we go:
REGULAR GUY BILL SMITH vs. EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE
Regular Guy Bill Smith drives around the universe in his spaceship, and is freaked out by everyone he encounters because they don’t look and act like him. He tells them that they better start acting “normal.” They say, “Who the fuck are you?” He becomes frightened, and he shoots them. Regular Guy Bill Smith is considered good, for some reason. Everyone else is evil.
Sounds a lot like the story of Thanksgiving. And ICE raids. And Vietnam. And Iraq. And, and ...
Everything I learned growing up in America turns out to be a lie. From cowboys and Indians to Star Trek, it’s all been coded colonial nonsense. So it figures that the promises of technology were lies too. In exchange for a TV and a vacuum cleaner, we have been given mass surveillance and industrialized killing. We have traded our children’s future for same-day delivery of tube socks.
The new “sci-fi” will be about future generations coming to their senses. Taxing the rich. Throwing their phones in the garbage. Loving one another. Living in peace.
