Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I know you are in show business. How do I get a chance to write an X-Men movie?
Eric Fernandez, Pasadena
Hi Eric!
Who are the X-Men again? Do they turn into cars? Or are they the ones with the guy made out of rocks? Is Darth Vader an X-Man? What about Jughead? The only X-Man I know for certain is Wolverine. In the movies Wolverine is played by Jack Hugeman and he turns into a wolf at night. During the day he is a personal trainer. I like that. I like wolf-human hybrids a lot. Me and my friends do a fantasy football league where we are allowed to put three Wolverines on our teams. (Not three Wolverines on every team, obviously. Three Wolverines in your whole league. Your friends don’t know which teams have the Wolverines. “My” Cleveland Browns won the Super Bowl last year because Wolverine, posing as a free safety, came off the bench and ate everybody.) If I was writing a script about the X-People, I’d make it where Darth Vader and the guy made out of rocks ride Wolverines. I would give Wolverine powers to duplicate himself so a bunch of people could ride him, and he also would never have to eat or drink. I’d have a guy who could turn into a building so his friends could hide in him when Lex Luthor or Boba Fett came. I would call him “Buildo.” Also, Wolverine could be a boat whenever he wanted.
What the shit! I’m going to take a shot at writing an X-Men script right now:
THE X-MEN VS. MOBY DICK
Aquaman pops out of the drain in the shower of X-Men headquarters — a Knights of Columbus hall in Buffalo, NY. The man made of rocks, Bilbo Baggins, Wolverine, Batman, Darth Vader and Jughead are playing cards in the bar.
AQUAMAN: We have a problem, guys. Moby Dick is still alive, and he’s being mean to all the other animals in the ocean.
JUGHEAD: Animals? I think you mean fish.
Aquaman tries to attack Jughead but is held back by Darth Vader.
AQUAMAN: Why do we have a 1940s teenager in this gang again? CAN ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME?!
DARTH VADER: His mom makes us lasagne.
Wolverine turns into a boat.
Batman has a fishing rod in his belt.
They put Bilbo Baggins on the hook and catch Moby Dick.
Vader uses the force to make Dick spit out Baggins.
The man made of rocks punches Moby Dick into outer space.
The whole gang is eating lasagne at Jughead’s house.
MAN MADE OF ROCKS: … and then I punched his ass into space.
JUGHEAD’S MOM: Watch your mouth, Rocky! Or I’ll punch you into space!
Everybody laughs.
Aquaman wipes his mouth, says it was great to see everybody and dives into the bathroom toilet.
-THE END-
Not bad for a first draft.
Eric, I have no fucking idea how you get to write an X-Men movie. I guess the first thing you should do is write an X-Men movie. Next, find out Steven Spielberg’s email address. Before I moved to Los Angeles, I bought what I thought was Spielberg’s email address from an auction. I wanted to send him some Web series ideas. It cost me $2,500. I got worried as soon as I opened the envelope, because it was a hotmail account. Mistaspielberg@hotmail.com is NOT Steven Spielberg’s real email address. It belongs to someone named “Mailer Daemon.”
Another option is to do something worthwhile with your life.
