In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I’m becoming disoriented. Which way is up? And has it changed?
—Confused in Rural England
Hmmm. In America, “up” means “buying stuff.” “Down” also means “buying stuff.” “Left” and “right” mean buying stuff too.
“God” is “buying stuff.”
“Western civilization” is “buying stuff.”
“Terrorist” means “person who interrupts buying stuff.”
I like to imagine future historians watching “unboxing” videos. They are going to laugh so hard. They’re going to be like, “Those guys were idiots.”
And we were. And we are.
I think “up” used to be “a place above us” where people would look before smartphones and unboxing videos.
I saw a picture of U.S. Defense Sec. Pete Hegseth today. He was participating in some sort of religious service. His eyes were closed in “prayer.” I bet that no matter how hard he tried to think about God, or goodness, he couldn’t get an image of himself out of his mind. I bet he tried with all his might to picture something holy, but he still just kept seeing himself. Finally he closed his eyes so hard that was able to see an American flag waving, but it didn’t count, because it had the porn he’d watched that morning projected on it. He gave up, and blamed his inability to think godly thoughts on Antifa.
Pete Hegseth watches unboxing videos. Guaranteed.
Just like every other American, I’m completely disoriented
Things like “up” and “down” are supposed to be immutable, undebatable facts. But everything seems to be open for discussion at the moment — at least according to the weirdos we've put in charge of us. Sam Altman — the dangerous, ultra-powerful weirdo CEO of OpenAI — recently implied that AI servers might deserve water MORE THAN HUMANS, because AI is more efficient.
I can imagine Sam Altman giving a TED Talk called “Which Way is Up, Actually? And Could We Make More Money if It Was Some Other Direction?” It’d be a great opener for Peter Thiel’s (real) "antichrist" seminar.
So we have a credibly-accused-of-sexual-assault defense secretary making a futile attempt to pray next to a white “pastor” who has a lot of complaints about the civil rights movement, and an ultra-funded, ultra-nihilistic AI industry casually floating the idea that humans are the problem.
Plus a State of the Union address in which our dangerous, weirdo president said Democrats are “crazy” and “destroying our country” — which, um, to me sounds a helluva lot like a not-very-coded call for violence.
Based on all this, one could assume that “up” had been recalibrated. BUT THEN THERE WAS ...
Alysa Liu’s unabashed joy and kindness have shown the world that up is still up. RIGHT is still RIGHT. WRONG is still WRONG.
After she won the gold, Liu immediately sought out and devoted her full attention to congratulating the bronze medalist. She speaks of mental health and art — not competition. She smiles and laughs, unabashedly.
Dour, dysfunctional, money-obsessed men are trying to drag us all down into their dismal, zero-sum world. They are an affront to life and love. They hate themselves, and they hate people who are happy.
Join me, Confused in Rural England. Let’s follow Alysa Liu to the sky.
