Comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
My two closest friends can't stand each other. Any advice on how to navigate this awkward social situation?
—Frank in Morgantown, W.Va.
I was really hoping this question was going to be about seasonal depression, so I’m going to make it about seasonal depression.
Hi Frank! One way you could navigate this awkward situation is to BE IN BED. If you are in bed, your two friends will forget all about you, and work it out between themselves, and go see Avatar: The Way of Water together, because you’ll BE IN BED.
Just for fun, I’m going to tell you what I think Avatar: The Way of Water is about. I have absolutely no idea what it is actually about. I haven’t seen any Avatars.
Avatar: The Way of Water is about a little blue monkey named Andromeda who lives in a rainforest and is sad. The other little blue monkeys won’t let her join in their wet-ass blue monkey games. She has a red nose. You know the rest. She leads James Cameron’s sleigh to a bank.
It’s 3 a.m., by the way. Gordon Lightfoot is singing “I’m on my second cup of coffee, and I still can’t face the day.” I can relate.
There’s a funny thing about depression — a funny thing that isn’t funny: It makes you doubt yourself. You second-guess things that you normally take for granted. You can’t make decisions. For example, I know that this happens to me every year — at least, I’m supposed to know that.
When I’m feeling this way, It feels like the first time. It feels hopeless. It feels like I could try harder, and it would go away. It feels like it’s my fault. Only sleep brings relief. And Zoloft helps, I guess. But I start to doubt that too. When I feel this way, I’m not sure of anything.
Before I wrote this column, I checked to see if I had already written a column about seasonal depression. I honestly couldn’t remember. It turns out I wrote one LAST YEAR AT THIS EXACT SAME TIME. That made me feel better. It’s like a log entry. It proves this is real! It’s not me just ... failing, out of nowhere. That’s what depression feels like. It feels like, all of a sudden, you are failing — at everything. And you are ugly, and stupid, and most people don’t feel this way, and they wouldn’t understand if you explained it to them.
I’m trying to explain it now. And it feels good. This is not a cry for help, it is a cry for connection. If you are experiencing harrowing seasonal depression, you are not alone.
The good news: I’m going to the gym as much as I can. I’m eating, even when I’m not hungry. I’m seeing my therapist, I’m reaching out to friends, and I’M STAYING ON my meds. I’m writing this column! It’s early February, folks! There’s a light at the end of the tunnel — I know it.
