In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
How can I improve my golf swing?
—Fred in Franklin
Hi Fred! This is the first question I’ve gotten in months that isn’t about the end of the world! Hmmm.
Do you get the news out there in Franklin? Probably not. Out there in Franklin, they like to pretend it’s the “old days.” It’s like rockabilly — except their “Bill Haley and the Comets” is President Andrew Jackson ignoring court orders. Not at all coincidentally, Tennessee’s, ahem, esteemed Gov. Bill Lee is from Franklin.
In 2023, the median household income in Franklin was $115,000 a year. That’s about how much I’ve made in my whole life. Lol. But I digress.
How do we remain hopeful while the people in power in America insult immigrants and call the poor 'parasites'?
Golf was invented in 1962 by William F. Buckley Jr. It was originally called “18 Reasons to Send Your Kids to Boarding School,” and was a scavenger hunt for 18 bottles of schnapps. But the “PGA” (People Getting drunk off their Ass) decided that was too obvious, and settled on “Golf” (Grandpa Oils his Libido with Fuzzy navels*). They also realized that a scavenger hunt for schnapps wasn’t a socially acceptable justification to avoid raising your children, so they decided to “dignify” it by making participants hit balls into holes with sticks.
Republican men love big, uninterrupted stretches of grass, because it makes them think they are farmers instead of people who skim money from the stock market. And when a Republican man is drunk and on a big, uninterrupted stretch of grass, he feels like Daniel Fucking Boone. So golf really caught on.
Golf takes place on “golf courses.” They are huge. And they’re not only big to make Republicans feel like farmers — they are big for safety reasons too. Daniel-Boone-in-shorts requires lots of space when he’s drunk-driving his little cart and trying to find his little ball at the same time.
I don’t call them golf courses, by the way. I call them “The Places Affordable Housing Is Supposed to Be.” I would love to tell you how much water is needed to maintain these “Places Affordable Housing is Supposed to Be,” but I just remembered that I’m supposed to be giving Fred from Franklin advice on his swing.
OK, Fred. Keep your head down. Don’t force it. Keep your eye on the ball. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t look to see where the ball went before it’s even left the tee. TAKE THE CIGAR OUTTA YOUR MOUTH. Remember, you’re not that drunk. And so what if you’re getting divorced again? You’re still young! And rehab is out of the question. You’re still having fun! Sowing your oats. Sixty-one is not old. Anyway, keep your fucking head down. Yes, your adult son Conrad isn’t exactly crazy about you, but that’s because he has “the woke mind virus” — not because you put him in a military academy when he was 8.
What a backswing. OK, that’s enough practice. Step up to the ball. Address it. THE BALL. Not your friend Rick. I take back what I said before. You are drunk. Stop talking about Ayn Rand! You haven’t read a single one of her books!
THE SWING …
He shanked it.
*A “Fuzzy Navel” is a cocktail consisting of peach schnapps and orange juice.
