Advice King: Why Is the City Doing Business With a Surveillance Company?

In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.

Dear Advice King,

The city of Nashville is considering expanding its contract with “Fusus.” Fusus is a technology company focused on surveillance. There is a public hearing about it on Feb. 6. Why is Nashville investing in surveillance? What can we do?

—Charles in Nashville

Man, I miss the old questions, from the old days. I started writing this column in 2014. Almost 10 years ago. The questions I got were much different back then — more lighthearted. I mean, it’s not like Nashville wasn’t worried in 2014. The banks got bailed out in 2008. Nothing’s been the same — anywhere in America — since that happened. Occupy Wall Street was pepper-sprayed out of existence in 2011. So Nashville was worried in 2014 — but we weren’t panicking. Now, we’re panicking — for good reason! And we probably would have been panicking then too, but I think we — and the rest of the nation — thought this obscene accumulation of wealth at the top had to turn around somehow … right? I mean, it’s America! We don’t side with the banks, and foreclose on the poor! Gulp … right? SOMEONE SAY “RIGHT!” for God’s sake.

Anyway, the questions I received back then were more fun than this one. Questions about love, life and Bigfoot. And HIPSTERS. Hipsters aren’t as funny as they used to be, now that I realize that hipsters (me included — I gotta face it) were used as bait by developers to get private-equity types to visit Nashville. And then these basic-ass private-equity clones heard about the lack of state income tax, saw the worst country band of all time at Paradise Park Trailer Resort and drunkenly screamed, “I’m moving here!”

If you are in a town that remains unmolested by the 1 percent, I suggest acting as dreary and hostile as possible. DO NOT DRESS COOL. And NO LIVE MUSIC. Rich people have never seen up-close live music — they’ve only seen U2 in a stadium — and they want to move to every town that has it.

So yeah, the further we get from having a middle class, the more stressed-out the advice column questions become. 

By the way, remember that week when every side street in the city was an ice rink? I broke my scapula and a rib that week, falling on my front steps. Now, the city of Nashville isn’t responsible for shoveling my steps, BUT MY STREET WAS SO ICED OVER I HAD TO WALK TO A MAIN ROAD, ON ICE, WITH A BROKEN SCAPULA, TO GET A RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL. This was days after the snowstorm. Small businesses were forced to close because their employees live on side streets. Many were on the verge of going out of business. And you know what was open? Chain stores. Because they don’t give a flying fuck about their employees. I mention this for a reason. Please hold.

In 2024, Nashvillians’ (and the rest of the country’s) questions aren’t about life and love. They’re about: “Should our tax money be used to buy an app that spies on us?” Dear God. We are absolutely pitiful.

FUSUS?!? What does that stand for? Wait … let me guess!

Fucked Up Surveillance U Suckers 

Fee-Fie-Fo-Fum U Suckers U Saps

Uhh. Fun Underhanded Spying U Simps 

OK, I give up. (In more ways than one.)

From the Fusus website: 

fususINCIDENT enables seamless incident planning and real-time management across your team, including map-based telestration, a library of useful iconography, and roles based viewing and editing access across a variety of connected devices. Fusing graphical illustration tools with live video and team geolocation creates a flexible and holistic view of emergent incidents, streamlining response capabilities.

…

Just drop the fūsusCORE™ appliance onto any public or private video network and like magic, you have access to live streaming video feeds! The CORE appliance is compatible with a wide range of IP security cameras and is controlled and configured using the fūsusONE™ dashboard. Upgraded CORE Elite appliances also include Fusus AI at the Edge technology pre-loaded.

It sounds like a parody. It would be funny if it weren’t describing a machine to protect the West Side of town from the East Side. This is tech-bro sales talk for: “You’ll be able to keep a closer eye on the poors.”

Here’s a story from a couple days ago that seems relevant, via NBC News: “A man is seeking $10 million for allegedly being wrongly accused of robbing a Texas Sunglass Hut, arrested and then sexually assaulted by inmates after facial recognition software falsely identified him as the suspect.”

“Fusus” is a for-profit startup selling this Orwellian junk because THE TIME IS NOW. The best time to violate the Fourth Amendment is when people are paranoid. It’s how the Patriot Act passed. And we’ve stopped even pretending that the threat is external — we’re afraid of ourselves. We’re going to end up in a totalitarian state over highly exaggerated Fox News shoplifting reports. 

Ahem, SNOW PLOWS AND SALT TRUCKS, PLEASE — not Big Brother. 

See? I brought it back

There’s a public hearing on this Feb. 6. Hope to see you there, Charles.