Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it.
Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
My wife and I recently relocated to the Gulch Area. After years in L.A. and NYC, we loved the affordability and hominess of everything around here (and no state income tax HIYOOOO!!). We've walked to Watermark, Sambuca, The Turnip Truck, Cantina Laredo, Sambuca again, then all the way down to Subway. Honestly, we're getting a bit bored. Surely there's more to the Gulch than 1.5 blocks and six restaurants? We'd like to go exploring and have heard lots about Five Points in East Nashville. Do they valet?
Thanks,
Trey and Bev
OK, “Trey and Bev.” I know this is a fake question designed to make me yell about a bunch of stuff. How do I know? Because no one is really named Bev, that’s how. But guess what. I will take the bait BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS. Send questions to editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com or to me directly at bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com. HURRY UP.
First softball floating across the hate plate: The hominess and affordability of “The Gulch.” I put “The Gulch” in quotes because it is not a real thing. Regarding hominess: The fun thing about upscale McNeighborhoods like “The Gulch" is that they are physical embodiments of the trends of whatever period in which they were pasted together. "The Gulch" was built out of particle board and spit in 45 minutes in 2007. It looks like it. It looks like skinny jeans and bangs and texting. If "The Gulch" feels like home to you, here are some other places you might like to live: A North Korean amusement park, a Mumford & Sons concert, inside a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Regarding affordability: In 2015, to make the kind of money you need to have to live in an area like “The Gulch” requires doing something immoral. Have fun at the “block” party with the personal injury lawyers, payday loan tycoons and that deposed African dictator who calls himself Josh.
Another major drawback to "The Gulch": When the Final Uprising happens, the residents of areas like “The Gulch” will be the first to get it. Have you ever seen Escape From New York? One of The Duke of Nashville’s offices will be a burned-out Gulch penthouse. His headquarters will be the burned-out Belle Meade Country Club.
Next you’re trying make me mad about Tennessee’s lack of income tax. All right, I’m mad about Tennessee’s lack of income tax. Because it charges no income tax, Tennessee uses a high sales tax to collect revenue. Poor people have to pay the same amount as rich people, even on food. In 31 states and the District of Columbia food is exempt from sales tax because of the undue burden it places on the poor.*
Back to the goddamn "Gulch." It’s not very big or exciting, you say? Do you want me to rant about how the “New Nashville” is 90 percent hype, 10 percent actual goods and services? Here is what I recommend to anyone moving to Nashville: Take mushrooms before you get in the car with the real estate agent. Mushrooms make you see the truth. For example, I watched the news the first time I did mushrooms. Guess what. The news is bullshit. If you tour Nashville, on mushrooms, with a real estate lady giving you the “It City” spiel, you will never stop laughing. Ever. The first time that agent says “Brooklyn” or “Los Angeles” while you take a mushroomy gander at the three blocks of marzipan and scrap metal that makes up “The Gulch” — the same "Gulch" from the brochure, the same "Gulch" from the Esquire listicle, that "Gulch" — you will laugh so hard that you may end up in a mental hospital. The real estate tour will be over, that’s for sure. That agent will run for her life, leaving you rolling around in the fake gutter next to the fake sidewalk in front of the fake speakeasy. The same thing will happen when that agent shows you the legendary Five Points intersection in East Nashville. Without the aid of mushrooms, your societally conditioned brain may accept the claims of the authority figures — the media, the “licensed” real estate agent — who say the Five Points intersection is the center of an internationally important cultural movement called “New Nashville.” You might look at that intersection and accept it. You really might. But if you are on mushrooms, you will look around and say, “But uhhhh ... wha ... I m-m-m-mean how ... it’s ... buuuut ... it’s ... it’s soooo uh ... SMALL. And the, uhhhh ... biggest thing is ... A GAS STATION! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Then the realtor will run away again.
Finally, whoever wrote this letter had the fictional “Trey and Bev” ask if there is valet parking in East Nashville so I would tell them to shove traffic cones up their asses. Shove traffic cones up your asses, Trey and Bev.
Look, I love Nashville. I just don’t like the developers who got together with some publicists and invented neighborhoods in order to sell cheaply built condos to trendy out-of-town suckers. Because now Nashville is loaded with trendy out-of-town suckers, and they’re all in a shitty mood. Traffic jams full of people who just had the doorknob come off in their hand, angrily looking for “the other stuff” that “there must be.” Nashville will become a city of Treys and Bevs, complaining.
* Editor's note: The Advice King had some of his tax math wrong in a previous version of this column. We've since corrected the error. Read more about single-article sales tax here. A note from the King:
"The fact that local tax is suspended on big-ticket items after $3,200 is still bullshit. -AK"
