In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
How do I get into the frozen lemonade game?
—Stephen in Nashville
What is the “frozen lemonade game”?
By “get into the game,” do you mean opening a store that sells frozen lemonade?
If by “get into the frozen lemonade game” you mean you would like to consume some frozen lemonade, I would advise you to purchase some frozen lemonade.
I’m going to assume you are an adult, so I am going to guess that you would like to start a highly profitable chain of lemonade stores.
We’d all like to wrap our belongings in a kerchief, put them on the end of a stick and follow the railroad tracks out of town
Also, what is frozen lemonade? The Minute Maid stuff in cans from the 1970s? People were crazy about drink concentrates in the ’70s and ’80s. You’re probably too young to remember, but a suburban mom would be regarded with suspicion if she wasn’t in the process of defrosting multiple fruit cylinders back then. It was almost as popular as smoking. In this case, I think you must mean the more modern Italian-ice/soft-serve kind.
I’m not a businessman, Stephen. My degree is in art history. In my opinion, majoring in art history is indicative of a lack of judgment so profound that it should cause you to doubt the value of any practical advice I might offer. That being said, here’s ...
The Advice King Guide to Getting Into the Frozen Lemonade Game:
1. Use AI to make videos suggesting that you already have a thriving frozen lemonade business called “Stephen’s Squeezerz.”
2. Do an IPO for your imaginary business.
3. Dump stock.
4. Get pardoned by Donald Trump.
If you absolutely insist on doing things fair and square — which is so unpopular at this point that it’s almost frowned upon — you will, unfortunately, need a shit ton of lemons.
The Advice King Guide to Getting Into the Frozen Lemonade Game Fair and Square:
1. Find out how much it costs to rent a building
2. Check bank account
3. Quit lemonade business
Bonus Question
Dear Advice King,
What’s the best non-lettuce-based salad?
—Daisy in Pensacola
Word salad. The best word salad comes from proponents of AI, Flock Cameras, Ring Cameras, Fusus, LPRs and drone policing. They say it’s all about progress and safety — but it’s really about control! Delicious!
