Advice King: Should I Feel Bad About Being a Childless Cat Lady?

In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.

Hey Advice King!

Should I feel bad about being a childless cat lady? 

—Holding a Lint Roller in Phoenix

I love this question. 

HELL NO. HELL NO YOU SHOULDN’T. I’m yelling so the cats will hear me. I’m afraid of cats — and cat ladies. I wrote a column about it in 2016: “I Married Into Cats.”  It’s one of my all-time favorite columns. Here’s a quote: “Cats. Some people are CRAZY about 'em. I mean truly crazy. Remember how people acted when The Beatles played on The Ed Sullivan Show? For some people, their cats are like The Beatles on Ed Sullivan, except all day, every day.”

Allow me to clarify. You don’t need to be afraid of cats — or cat ladies — as long as you are “with the program.” By “with the program,” I mean, uhh, aware that cats are more important than you. Or me. Or anybody. And cat ladies, and cats, will be very friendly as long you understand that. However, if you talk shit about cats, or cat ladies, YOU ARE FUCKED. 

Let’s talk about another important thing: The cat ladies are working for the cats — not the other way around. So the cats are the ones you really need to be afraid of. A cat lady might have a sense of humor about her “hobby.” Like, you might be able to get away with joking with her about how many cat calendars she has. Or how most of the rooms in her house can’t be used because the cats won’t let her in them. She might find it funny. She might laugh. But then, suddenly, her demeanor changes. Her laughter becomes strained. Beads of sweat appear on her forehead. She just noticed that a cat was in the room the whole time you were talking. It’s “King Louis the Fluffteenth.” And he’s not happy.

Cats don’t have a sense of humor. They are all about control — and treats. To them, there’s not a damn thing funny about how many cat calendars their “owner” has. As far as they’re concerned, it’s not enough. And when they hear people (an inferior species, in their mind) laughing about what they consider the NATURAL ORDER, they have only one thought: “It’s time to start sucking these idiots’ breath.”

[Three cats in an overcoat approach J.D. Vance as he sleeps.]

Now I’d like to say something serious, “Holding a Lint Roller.” J.D. Vance has no business telling anyone what they can or can’t do, or how they should or shouldn’t live. Who the fuck does he think he is? God? 

A CAT?!