Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I married into cats. I love my wife, but the cats drive me nuts. They knock stuff off of shelves for no reason and meow relentlessly through the night. They also tear up documents and other important stuff. My wife loves these two cats. What do I do?
-Put Upon in Jersey
YOU MARRIED TWO CATS?! Well, you were asking for it. How did you end up … Ohhhhh, you married INTO cats. Wait, you got married IN two cats?! Wow! That is wild. How did you fit?
JK! (That means “just kidding” on the street.)
Yeah, cats. Cats and documents. Remember that indie-rock band “Cats and Documents”? I saw them in 1996 opening for “June of '44.” They had a lady who played the saw.
What kind of documents you got? DMV stuff?
Cats. Some people are CRAZY about 'em. I mean truly crazy. Remember how people acted when The Beatles played on The Ed Sullivan Show? For some people, their cats are like The Beatles on Ed Sullivan, except all day, every day. If your wife is one of those people, you are fucked. If your wife is one of those people, you’d better keep your mouth shut. She and the cats are probably already having meetings to decide what to do with you. I’m serious. If you absolutely must complain, make sure you do it when the cats ARE NOT AROUND. Wait until you and your wife are in the car. Cats can suck your breath. My uncle used to talk shit about cats, and one morning they found him completely deflated. He got a hairball in the mail the week before, so he should have seen it coming.
Were your wife’s parents divorced? Remember in the 1970s, when men owned their own bowling ball and also left their families? Dads back then were always “splitting” because things at home were getting “too heavy” and it was starting to interfere with their drinking. I bet your wife’s dad was one of those creeps. Cats act just like drunken dads: They are selfish, they withhold affection, they knock stuff off shelves. The only difference between cats and alcoholic fathers is (most) cats can’t operate doorknobs — cats can’t leave! If you think you are going to come between your wife and her furry alcoholic fathers, you've got another thing coming, “Put Upon.” You and your precious documents will be living in a motel faster than you can say “wet food.”
How many bathtubs do you have, “Put Upon”? Cats don’t like water. You could keep you valuables in a submerged waterproof case. I had a friend who hated cats, and his wife had a cat, so he slept on a special bed he built in his swimming pool for eight years until one day he fell asleep on the couch after mowing the lawn and the cat sucked his breath. He had been complaining about the cat right in front of the fucking cat. I warned him, but he didn’t listen.
Look on the bright side: Your wife could have 100 cats. I worked with a guy who had a hundred cats. I really did. I worked at the Associated Press from 1993-1997, and one of my co-workers had 100 cats. He was covered in cat hair. I mean COVERED. You would have needed a lint roller the size of a Volkswagen to clean him up. When he worked the night shift, he brought in a cot and he slept in it with two of his cats until he got caught. I have found that you get fired from most jobs if you're sleeping in a cot — with or without animals. He wasn’t fired because we had a really good union. The kids in his neighborhood called him “Litter Box” and threw rocks at him until, one by one, they became short of breath.
Wear earplugs, laminate everything, and WATCH YOUR BACK.
On a serious note, I am sending all my love to my friend, Scene editor Jim Ridley, and his family. Jim is an amazing guy, and he has always been an inspiration to me. I love you, Jim!! Get well soon!!!
