By Ben Taylor
I suppose if there were some sort of goal to my weekly cacophony of celeb bashing, it would be to convey the idea that celebrity is ultimately meaningless. Sure, I may sound petty or cranky, but what I’m really doing is urging you to view the rich and famous as nothing more than the worker bees in a terribly overprized, overglorified and overpaid industry. I’d like for you to enjoy the works of these people, but not to idealize them based solely on their artistic output or the simple fact that they’re on TV. In the end, they are truly no more special than we are.
That said, let’s jump over to the West Coast and visit the sun-kissed hub of entertainment known as Los Angeles. Here, according to a recent USA Today article, is a man named Billy Tsangares, who owns a T-shirt shop. Billy is selling civic-minded shirts that say “Free Winona” on them. In the middle is a caricature of the part-time actress and frequent accouterment of popular lead singers, who recently was arrested for shoplifting at a Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills.
Now, I don’t blame Mr. Tsangares for doing this. He’s an entrepreneur, and he’s taking a shot on the market. I would, however, quibble greatly with the necessity of the product he’s purveying. After all, for starters, Miss Ryder is not currently incarcerated. She has been charged with theft, burglary, vandalism and illegal possession of a controlled substance, but thus far has yet to take up official residence at the “Graybar Hotel.”It should be noted, though, that the precious little movie star does happen to be out of the clink after paying $20,000 for her bail. And that kind of high-priced freedom has certainly got to put a strain on a person.
However, I’m not all that concerned with Tsangares’ reasoning for the T-shirt, or with him personally. But I do have issues with the 1,000 customers who have already bought the T-shirt, according to the aforementioned article, as well as with those rushing to order one at www.freewinona.com. Thus, I’d like to take advantage of the public forum I have at my disposal and give these people a bit of heads-up. For, in the spirit of fair play, I should let them know that if I’m out and about in my daily life and happen to see them in their “Free Winona” T-shirts, it is entirely probable that I may calmly lean over and knock the living shit out of them.
Now, before you readers start freaking out and worrying about my mental state, hear me out. You mustn’t look at this as a senseless act of violence. It’s really more of a civic duty—a humanitarian effort, if you will. Because I can only assume that someone wearing a T-shirt calling for the release of a wealthy kleptomaniac actress must have his head shoved so far up his ass that he is in desperate need of assistance unjarring it from his bodily cavity. Why else would someone be wearing the shirt if it wasn’t some sort of plea for help?
I suppose one could argue that the shirt is, in and of itself, a public service. It’s basically the equivalent of those “I’m with stupid” shirts: It lets you know that you are within dangerously close proximity to sheer idiocy. Of course, “I’m with stupid” kind of killed two birds with one stone. After all, you’d have to assume that the one wearing the shirt is also low on the cranium-power scale, because he’s actively hanging out “with stupid.” But given the sociological studies that show morons tend to move in packs (witness Congress), you could be given leeway in deducing that anyone with the person wearing the “Free Winona” shirt is also a card-carrying numbnuts.
There will be those who want to argue that perhaps these people are just Winona “fans” showing support for their embattled hero. I’m afraid this just doesn’t hold water. Nothing about Boys, Alien: Resurrection, Girl, Interrupted, Autumn in New York or Lost Souls should sway you into granting her absolution for her larceny—if anything, just the opposite. So if anyone is a Winona Ryder fan at this point, it’s reasonable to argue that he could use a smack upside the head as well.
In summation: Your fashion statements have an effect on those around you, and in the tradition of open vigilantism we’ve come to depend on in this country, there will be those of us who will be more than happy to make you pay.
Quotidian Challenge
“I looked to the stars and tried all of the bars. And I’ve nearly gone up in smoke. Now my hands are on the wheel of something that’s real, and I feel like I’m going home.”
Be the first to e-mail the origin of this useless bit of trivia to poplife the shame of your name printed as the winner and some free useless crap from the Nashville Scene!
Previous week’s answer: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”—John Vernon as Dean Wormer to John Belushi’s Bluto Blutarsky in National Lampoon’s Animal House.
Winner: Ken Douthat.
Previous week’s answer: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”—John Vernon as Dean Wormer to John Belushi’s Bluto Blutarsky in National Lampoon’s Animal House.
Winner: Ken Douthat.
