Oh, that I would stopper thy tears forever.
In a theft that may or (probably for sure) may not be related to a conservative sewing circle's project to construct a massive patchwork quilt with which to absorb the tears flowing from Glenn Beck's sad, sad eyes for his beloved country and its vague descent into socialism, 700 Singer sewing machines have been stolen from a lot on Lebanon Pike Circle this weekend.
The sewing machines, valued at some $400,000, were housed inside of a freight container on a wheeled chassis, so whoever took it had a bobtail tractor truck to hitch it to, police say. Sources close to the investigation say the radical sewing circle's ranks have swelled lately with isolated white women, some loosely affiliated with Tea-Baggers, who are consumed by an overwhelming motherly impulse to wipe Glenn Beck's running nose when they watch his blubbery diatribes. Metro police and the FBI are attempting to determine whether the theft has any connection to a Mar. 24 theft on the same property: A freight container full of whiskey. It is not clear at this point how the whiskey figures into Project No More Tears.
Citizens, if you happen to come across super-cheap sewing machines, a massive patchwork quilt, a large group of women with calloused fingers clutching copies of An Inconvenient Book while muttering things like "Libtard," call the police or the FBI.
Seriously, though, a shitload of sewing machines got stolen, which is really random. As random as, say, a massive quilt sewn specifically for Glenn Beck's tear-soaked eyes. I kind of like the idea of that.
