Want to know what's on your fellow citizens' minds? Take the temperature of the populace? Feel the pulse of the passers-by? We can save you the expense of a fleet of flacks and a bank of robocallers just by getting our sharp-eyed, quick-witted readers to finish the deathless phrase: "You are so Nashville if ..."
So what's on your mind, Music City? The topics this year were broader-ranging than in years past — thank you, cicada life cycles! — with more moving (and in some cases, firing) targets. To be sure, some common concerns emerged beyond by-now habitual worries over guns, religion and public transportation. You got in some barbs at our veto-averse governor and the distinguished (huh?) state senator from Knoxville. You took some swipes at a controversial public official that might be considered, shall we say, "gratuitous." You're up in arms over mega-dollar jeans, mobile dining, and anything that smacks of hipster.
Above all, you had fun zeroing in on the folks and foibles that give Nashville its identity, at a time when the city's national profile has never been higher. This was the first time in YASNI's 23-year history that we conducted the entire contest online. The result was more than 1,200 entries, almost as many as last year, including those of perennial contestants whose names are as familiar to us as kin. (Here's to you, Wando Weaver, Dan Brawner, Ken Lass and Stacy Harris, et al.)
What, your entry was funnier? Didn't get picked? Got submitted almost exactly by someone else? Let the arguments begin — and start gathering your A material for next year. For now, join your fellow Nashvillians in completing the sentence, "You are so Nashville if ..."
FIRST PLACE:
You think Bart Durham should direct the Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews
Meet the winner:
The winner of this year's "You Are So Nashville If ..." contest is no stranger either to deadlines or to the YASNIs themselves. Even before she started UT-Knoxville as a journalism major, Holly Matthews was penning a weekly column about high school life for her hometown daily, the Morristown, Tenn., Citizen Tribune. She switched career paths — smart move, Holly — and went into teaching not long before she moved to Nashville in 2004.
"I love the vibe of Nashville," says Matthews, a native Tennessean who will soon start the fall school year as a librarian for Metro Nashville Public Schools. "It's so progressive, which is a great thing. There are all different types, and there's lots of room for creativity, which is encouraged."
Speaking of encouraging creativity, Matthews says she's entered YASNI at least two or three times over the years, but this time her entry — "You think Bart Durham should direct the Real Housewives of Nashville" — made it all the way to the top. Asked what gave her the inspiration for the entry, Matthews says it probably came from "years and years" of watching colorful Nashville attorney Durham's novel serialized soap-opera TV ads.
"It seems like he and the Real Housewives would get along well," Matthews says.
SECOND PLACE:
You know deep down that no wife is hot enough to help Vandy to a winning season. —Bill Mason
THIRD PLACE:
You think that Chely Wright is the only gay country singer. —Jenny Madison
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
You think you're green and your favorite restaurant gets less than 10 miles per gallon. —Bill Hench
You look too much like Kenny Chesney to attend his concert. —Dave Lundquist
You were heartened to see your friends almost as united by a bull semen spill as they were by the flood. — Meredith Hunter
You think Peyton might have come if Shoney's would have sweetened the offer with some hot fudge cake. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You would so buy an "Occupy Nashville" Hatch Show Print. —Clifton Kaiser
Your backyard chickens are named Mild, Hot and Extra-Hot. — Trent Hanner
When your friends were talking about a bacon sundae, you wondered if they had gone to Burger King or The Catbird Seat. —Mike Dorr
THE OTHERS:
You think you are witnessing drug deals when you drive down Gallatin Pike, when in reality it's just people in line for the Redbox machine. —Daniel Spartan Smith
Your teenage daughter knows it's dangerous to hold hands with her boyfriend but thinks the word "condom" is Spanish for Colombian drug mule. —James Dittes
You're all about the First Amendment — as long as it's practiced on the day, time and location you designate. —Meredith Hunter
You have to pay your newspaper to look at pictures of tattoos from Bonnaroo. —Patten Fuqua
You left without seeing Chris Bostick and haven't seen or heard from your family since. —Patten Fuqua
Your non-discrimination policy discriminates. —Mike Dorr
You think the Greyhound bus terminal expansion has gotten out of hand. —Mike Dorr
You've asked for the William Todd suite at Hotel Indigo. —Roy Moore
By looking at the billboards around town, you think Muammar Gaddafi is alive and well and conducting your local symphony orchestra. —Luke J. Schneider
As you drive by, you are envious of the great tans on The Contributor vendors. —Michael Nott
Your employee parking lot doubles as a shooting range. —Ken Lass
The bumper sticker on your car reads Little Jimmy Dickens for President. —Sheri Hardison
The only car in your kids' carpool line at school with an old Jim Cooper bumper sticker IS Jim Cooper's. —Louise Hanson
Your governor couldn't find his veto stamp with two hands and a flashlight. —Virginia McCoy
You've been photographed with the Bang This twins. —Trent Hanner
You give Jack White a dollar and patiently wait for a Contributor. —Jamie Yost
You can't get a couple more charter schools and Legislative Plaza still isn't ADA-compliant, but dammit, you've got backyard chickens! —Meredith Hunter
You follow the Grilled Cheeserie on every form of social media but have yet to eat there. —Brent Eubanks
You saw Phillip Phillips at Which Wich with an A&R exec who looks just like Sirhan Sirhan. —Matt North
You're leading a food and music revolution in East Nashville. —Kendall Joseph
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You think Patrick Carney's foot has taken up permanent residence in his mouth. —Jen Berning
You finally sold your effing condo. —Josh O'Connor
You think the Muslims' 30-year plan to take over Rutherford County is right on schedule. —Ken Lass
You're from Detroit. —Dan Brawner
You got lucky at SlutWalk. —Michael Williams
You complain about all the traffic in 12South, but drive 100 yards from your home so you can valet park at Urban Grub. —Jay Yancey
Your paywall has a flaw. —Wando Weaver
You scream, "THEY'RE FROM NASHVILLE!" at every song on the radio when you're around people in another city. —Eric Taylor
You've been punched in the face by a relative of Pam Murray. —Michael Williams
You sit alone on the banks of Riverfront on Thursdays in the summer humming tunes to yourself and calling it Dancing in the District. —Eric Taylor
You love Hosie Nation. —Eric Taylor
You think that the Music City Star is a great idea, despite having never actually used it. —Andy Gasparini
Your band practices in a self-storage locker on Charlotte Pike. —Phil Loughrey
You've mistakenly answered your capo. —Heather Helton
Your wood is so exotic you're not allowed to make guitars with it. —Dave Lundquist
Your tenure is jeopardized by your "Hugs Not Drugs" bumper sticker. —Nathan Hunter
You and 11 of your friends got a DUI while driving the Nashville Pedal Bar. —Dave Weil
You are afraid of your "muslim sheets." —Dave Weil
People have to have a laminated pass to enter your house. —Dave Weil
You check out the Block and Amax agencies websites to decide who you should date next. —Chris Sevier
You know that Taylor Swift does not write her own songs, Caitlin's mom does. —Chris Sevier
You wonder where the TN GOP bought their flux capacitor. —Holly Matthews
You lined up to get into Nordstrom's first and then complained about the big city prices. —Emily
Your property tax got increased 13 percent and all you got was this lousy library. —Emily
You know the other musical Jack White's real name is Horst Nussbaum. —Mark Spencer
You think the new Music City Center is the baseball park downtown people keep talking about. —Curtis Stoneberger
Mike and Frank "popped" on an item in one of your outbuildings. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You got stabbed during "Statesboro Blues" at the Gregg Allman show. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You think illegal foreign workers are destroying this country, but illegal foreign wood is a God-given right. —Robert Means
The seafood department at your local grocery store put a warning label on the raw oysters because eating uncooked seafood can be unsafe and a gateway sexual activity. —George Oeser
You come to the shocking realization that the only thing that can halt road construction in Nashville is the "Brothers of the Sun Tour"! Really!??! —Celeste Bearden
After 12 years, you finally noticed that Fort Negley is RIGHT OVER THERE! —Ryan Kamper
You hope the Sounds move so it will be much easier to still not see them. —Sean Alexander
You were so worn out from saving everything else that you didn't care about Tower Records being torn down. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You maxed out your free access to the Tennessean on Highball galleries, but at least you can read local news in the NYT, GQ, Esquire, the Guardian, etc. —Sean Alexander
You say, "Do what now?" —April
You are sick of Ben Cunningham — who does not live in Davidson County — comments on Davidson County tax issues. —Cris Cannon
Your county clerk charges gratuity on parties of two. —Trent Hanner
John Arriola stole 40 bucks from you, four times. —Bill Hench
You wonder when they are going to pave 440. —Rob Duke
The word "Fireball" popped up during your DUI trial. —Peter Dinkel
Your state legislature wants to turn the clock back to the days when dinosaurs and people still lived together, some 6,000 years ago. —Dan McNamara
Scouring the Craigslist ads for toe suckers is a favorite pastime. —Michelle V
You ate that poached quail egg thing at The Catbird Seat and said you liked it. —Ann Shayne
You shoot the shit at your kid's travel lacrosse tournament with the songwriter dad who has written two operas. —Ann Shayne
You've ever referred to an appendage as "Old Hickory." —Tim Hibbs
The characters in your church's Nativity scene look exactly like Fleetwood Mac. —Matt North
You're engaged to Reese Witherspoon's dad. —Matt North
You don't know the correct definition of "gratuity." —Meredith Hunter
You've never been to Elliston Place Soda Shop but were REALLY PISSED at their landlord for four days. —Meredith Hunter
You complained about the bumpkins at CMA while you camped with the hippies at Bonnaroo. —Henry Pile
You were confused as to why Alexander Radulov was able to come back to Nashville after that lady in Shelbyville returned him to the adoption agency. —Patten Fuqua
You've considered opening a weekend-only ferry system to help fellow East Siders make it across the river, Oregon Trail style. —Andrew
After buying your song catalog back from your publisher at his request, you find out the catalog is owned by a bank. —Laura Powers
You constantly know if traffic is backed up on the Schuylkill Expressway because you have never unfollowed Christine Maddela on Twitter. —William
You introduce yourself by mentioning a church you never attend. —Deanna Raih
You thought freedom of the press had to do with one of those fancy coffee makers. —Meredith Hunter
You think John Arriola is one corrupt nipple. —Roy Moore
You carry an extra crate in the car for all of the stray dogs you find on runs in East Nashville. —Deanna Larson
Your city built an award-winning main library more than a decade ago, but you're scared of downtown, so you've never seen it. —Deanna Larson
You didn't think it would be such a big deal to park your plane there for a day or two. —Meredith Hunter
You work in Cool Springs, so you cheat at CMA Bingo. —Meredith Hunter
You love your neighborhood, but if they would only get rid of that sketchy gas station ... —Barry Murphree
You hope we have a huge blizzard this winter so Davis Nolan can feel important. —Lonnie Flemmer
No se. —Ryan Barry
WHO THE HELL IS HUNTER HAYES!?!??!??!?!? —Troy Akers
Your busiest night as a Franklin cop was keeping rabid Justin Bieber fans at bay the night he shot his video. —Troy Akers
You're really hoping Tim McGraw's first single on his newly joined label Big Machine is called "Taylor Swift." —Troy Akers
You felt embarrassed walking out of Parnassus Books with Fifty Shades of Grey. —Mike Dorr
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You too would rather work for John Elway than Bud Adams. —Bill Hench
You think hoodies are bad but Luchador masks are good. —Meredith Hunter
You figure Eric Church's next move is to build a house in the shape of a coffee maker and start hurling beer bottles. —Meredith Hunter
You ducked out of the Swan Ball early to hightail it back to Bonnaroo. —Peter Dinkel
You've heard Teddy Bart is mentoring Brady Banks. —Stacy Harris
You don't realize you really need to keep Pepper out of the paper. —Meredith Hunter
You got your dog from Emmylou Harris. —Debbie Settles
You can't actually identify the items in your weekly delivery of organic CSA produce. —Debbie Settles
You wish Clay Travis would disappear just like George Plaster. —Brent Eubanks
You think it's becoming obvious that God's pretty pissed at Gaylord. —Meredith Hunter
Your wife gets in the mood by imagining you're Tom Brady. You imagine that she is Peyt ... uhhh, Gisele Bundchen. —Bill Hench
Your daughter invited you to lunch at The Wild Cow and then ruined it by telling you not to wear your NRA cap. —Bill Hench
Manuel has inappropriately grabbed you on the dance floor at a honky-tonk. —Carrie
Oh my gosh, the traffic fatalities are what??? Hold the wheel while I tweet this ... —Chuck Arnold
You actually take the time to complete the YASNI sentence. Also, beard. —Lindsey
You watch the new traffic fatality signs the way you used to watch the lottery billboards — "Whoa, up to 467 now!" —June
You have already searched for Johnny Depp's house. —Daniel Smith
You only live once, but you've eaten at YOLOS several times. —Wando Weaver
The Contributor says you're dead. —Michael Williams
You visited all of your city's top attractions for the first time this year ... inside the airport. —Ben
You know that East Nashville has everything except a grocery store. —Wando Weaver
You're thankful your state rep doesn't take her dog air swimming. —Michael Taylor
You know where the Madagascar rosewood is hidden and you ain't sayin' shit. —Andy Gasparini
You don't give a damn what anybody says, she'll always be Tami Taylor to you. —Charlie
You've noticed Mr. Happy is becoming more volatile. —Heather Helton
You saved hail in your freezer. —Heather Helton
You feel superior to people in Alabama and Kentucky, but not as much as last year. —Charlie
You are sure that you are hallucinating when you see 12 people pedaling a bar down the street. —Dave Weil
Your 52-year-old ponytail is longer than your 22-year-old girlfriend's. —Dave Weil
You run into Michelle Branch and think "nice try." —Chris Sevier
You were severely disappointed with how little drinking was involved at Bar Camp. —Ben
You cried when Opry Mills opened again. —Rebecca Jones
You showed up at Centennial Park for Movies in the Park. —Curtis Stoneberger
Your daily exercise is to walk to the Nashville Scene offices to see if they have any movie passes. —John.A.Blackwell
You think every Muslim you see is a terrorist, even if none of them have killed as many Americans as your pastor. —Robert Means
You click on "share" every time George Takei has something to say about your hometown. —George Oeser
You asked if your $40 wedding "tip" could be credited against your auto tag renewal cost. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You go to the most expensive part of town to watch a free movie. —Jan Bell
It`s easier for your church to change its name than change its heart! —Randy Smith
Your TV news brings you live storm reports by showing a reporter driving around with the windshield wipers on high. —Clifton Kaiser
You went to East Nashville once and didn't get it. —Trent Hanner
You hope Dolly will show Gaylord how it's done. —Trent Hanner
You want to criticize hipsters, but can't stoop to that level due to the stiffness of your Imogene + Willie jeans. —Dana Delworth
Jack White something something. —Jarrod W
You don't know what a mudhole is but you certainly have no inclination to stomp one. —Trent Hanner
You support Bus Rapid Transit but wish they'd gone with trolley cars. —Ann Shayne
You keep reading this gay ass paper called the Nashville Scene. —Jose Quervo
You heard a Kentucky man committed 11 felonies in one night and figured Pacman had re-signed with the Titans. —Roy Moore
You play a game every week called Let's-See-How-Many-Days-It-Takes-the-Mystery-Neighbor-To-Steal-the-Obama-Biden-Sign-From-Our-Front-Lawn. —Matt North
You see chicken bones in every parking lot you walk through. —Stephanie Brown
You stole a District 5 campaign sign. Or maybe you didn't. No one really knows. —Meredith Hunter
You dumped your girlfriend because James Franklin didn't hire you. —Patten Fuqua
You will drive all the way to Franklin to go to the mall, but think that McKay's Bookstore moving all the way to Bellevue is "just too far." —Brenda Sellers
You think the Nashville Scene is a press kit for Jack White. —Brian Siskind
You don't let your kids kiss you goodnight for fear of encouraging "gateway sexual activity." —Mike Hughes
Your SkyWatched neighborhood has been StormTracked and 4Warned to the Power of Five. —Mike Hughes
You're 43 but you need someone to teach you some seventh-grade sex ed. —Meredith Hunter
A night out on the Pedal Tavern was the best workout you had all year long. —Jen Berning
You're Instagram-ing this response because it's *sooooooooooo* good. —Troy Akers
You don't think OTHER people should carry a loaded weapon while driving drunk. —Meredith Hunter
You swear they'll have to pry your gun from your glove box. —Ken Lass
You semi-ironically self-promote your new EP on a Nashville Scene satire contest. Which ... toddfarrell.bandcamp.com! —Todd Farrell
You hated the downtown McDonald's but you're pissed it's still closed. —Stefanie Porolniczak
Your family's nanny makes more per hour than your child's teacher. —Louise Hanson
The thought of what lies behind Scott Borchetta's ever-present smirk keeps you awake at night. —Scared of the Big Machine
You are OK with a state income tax if the revenue is used to buy Nick Saban —Bill Hench
You took your grandma to the grand re-opening of Opry Mills and while you were there she joined a gang! —Tim Hamilton
You snicker when Kentuckians brag about their basketball team. Hell, they can't even teach their horses to walk funny. —Bill Hench
You ain't buyin' Lionel Richie's country act until he throws up in Tootsie's. —Bill Hench
You have your head up your butt and it smells like vintage leather boots up thar. —Bonky
You're confident that the CMA Music Festival pushed us ahead of Saudi Arabia in the camel-toe census. —Bill Hench
Muslim! is the new "Squirrel!" —Mark Reddick
You can't find the Preds playoff game on TV. —Eric Taylor
You think the Musica statues are engaging in gateway activities. —Michael Taylor
You are OK saying "fuck" but can't say "goddamn." —Kate Spina
Two years ago, you read your future husband's honorable mention YASNI entry in the Scene a week before you first actually met him. —Lindsay Hinson
You're looking for volunteer opportunities within the Metro Nashville public school system to demonstrate safe oral sex to teens. —Meghan Morrison
You had to watch your wife pee on Zac Efron. —Dave Lundquist
You get cooking ideas from Big Fella. —Chris Sevier
You have no idea how to get into East Nashville when I-24 is closed. —Lesley Lassiter
You consider a jean fitting at Imogene + Willie gateway sexual activity. —Barry Murphree
You saw your gut hangin' out on an HBO documentary. —Madeline Hinson
You've seen Jack White and Jack Black both dressed as Angus Young. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You spent a week waiting for a Jack White single to plummet from the sky and into your backyard. —Barry Murphree
You've been robbed while drinking an artisanal cocktail. —Emily
You think before too long, JACK-FM will be running the Tennessean. —Clifton Kaiser
You had to find another outlet to post racist, hate-filled rants when the Tennessean switched to Facebook logins for posting online comments. —Clifton Kaiser
You can play "Norwegian Wood," but you can't play it on Norwegian wood. —Thomas Johnson
You put on a dress and high heels to buy tacos. —Kao
You were nice to your drummer for a whole month after Levon Helm died. —Matt North
You're the one who put a "God Has a Plan" bumper sticker over my "God Has a Plan B" bumper sticker. —Matt North
You have to get an Artist pass to hang out with your friends at Bonnaroo. —Henry Pile
Someone expects you to pay to read Gail Kerr. —Patten Fuqua
You think MP3s are bad for the music industry but don't know how to download them. —Brian Siskind
Hey! I have a great idea. Why don't I open up a charter school? —Jacob Maurer
Your public art needs a kilt, a jersey, or a red Solo cup. —Chuck Arnold
You felt buzzed just looking at Curry Todd's mugshot. —Meredith Hunter
You arrested a member of the press in your rush to make 20 people respect your authority. —Meredith Hunter
Paper or plastic, smoking or nonsmoking, Muslim or Mormon? —Ken Lass
You want your hot chicken free-range and antibiotic-free. —Ken Lass
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You took your Imogene + Willies out into that big hailstorm just so you could "weather" them. —Troy Akers
You get writers' credits for being a puppet. —Pop Lobster
You still don't know where to park in the Gulch. —Stefanie Porolniczak
Your idea of pump-you-up workout music is The National's "High Violet." —Troy Akerr
You're all offended by the public's reticence to get behind your paywall in order to see fluff pieces. —Meredith Hunter
You're not sure why, but your state government has you really pissed off at your own uterus. —Meredith Hunter
You still think you can save WRVU. —Peter Dinkel
You've always wanted to move to East Nashville and according to The New York Times, you just did! —Mike Dorr
Bacon. —Lesley Lassiter
Oh, for fuck's sake, let us buy wine at grocery store already. —Andy Gasparini
You've driven up and down Porter Road a hundred times and still can't find a damn butcher shop. —Barry Murphree
You thought the new Bart Durham commercials were previews for the new Weekend at Bernie's movie. —Jason and Heath Hinson
You have a bumper sticker that is somehow both proud of and disparaging of your zip code. —Ryan Kamper
You'll wait in line to see The Black Keys at Springwater, but your own band is too "good" to play there. —Katie Austin
You silently apologized to Ann Patchett when you purchased a book on Amazon.com. —Clifton Kaiser
The sight of a paparazzo freaks you out way more than the sight of a celebrity. —Allison Norton
Nothing you write for this contest will be any funnier than everything Stacey Campfield actually said. —Zack Bennett
Jack White Jack White Jack White, Jack White Jack White; Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White. —Andrew Farwell
Your legislature wants to party like it's 1959. —Ken Lass
You pronounce Shelbyville with only two syllables. —Dennis Steele
You take to the comments of a blog post to defend your publication's fluff piece — because that always turns out well. —Meredith Hunter
You're glad you're not a Southern Baptist anymore. —Virginia McCoy
Your schools have snow days without having snow. —Ryan Hirsch
You put some old gas station signs in front of your barn as bait for the American Pickers guys. —Mike Bodayle
You've started buying blood diamonds because their sales methods aren't this ugly. —Meredith Hunter
Your jeans cost more than your car. —Lew Moore
You'll eat anything, edible or not, provided it is served with Benton's Bacon. —Sam Farkas
Life is better for chickens than it is for gays. —Clifton Kaiser
You are fined for mentioning last year's YASNIs winner to your classroom. —Catherine
You think a handful of protesters with tents are a threat to public safety, but a drunk legislator with a gun isn't. —Ilissa Gold
You used Occupy Nashville to try out your tent before Bonnaroo. —Mike Dorr
You get AIDS from monkeys, but don't evolve from them. —Patten Fuqua
You feel an odd mixture of pride and shame for being the national test market for bacon ice cream. —Mike Dorr
You'd like to fill Toby Keith's Red Solo Cup. —Bill Hench
You can't get your prescription filled at The Pharmacy unless it's for a Stroganoff Burger and Hard Cider. YUM!! —Nichole Curtiss
You, without hesitation, dry your hands and face on the community towel at Browns Diner hoping some residue of the talent of The Black Keys rubs off on you. —Anonymous
You have a plausible explanation for why Maury Davis is such a power-player that his "show" pre-empts the second half-hour of Face the Nation: You just can't remember what it is. —Stacy Harris
You think shooting someone on Tom T. Hall's property is worth spending a week in a country jail. —Stacy Harris
THE WEIRDIES:
Frankly, YASNI contestants, sometimes you scare us. Here's our annual sampling of as-is, warts-and-all entries that left us scratching our heads (or watching the doors):
You have religous tats. (tattoos)
You did or didn't give a cluck.
You live on the East Side and have your home broken into only to find your dearest of valuables (funky belt buckles, books about mummies, vinyl records, etc.) left behind by the thief.
Bud Adams' Missing Marbles
You love the NRA's new slogan: "Just go ahead and try to eat Ted Nugent's face, punk"
You remember how Nashville was perfectly cool before Jack White took over the city, but choose to block out that part of your brain with "artisan" hats.
Wear 'COWBOY BOOTS AND BIG DOLLY BOOBS AND RIDE A COWBOY
You own a miniature Batman Building statue. Move over Empire State Building! If you're looking - they're at the Walgreens on West End.
You remember when Nashville wasn't so obsessed with its image! Who cares about hipsters, food trucks, handmade soaps and chocolate. Give me country music and a beer. No a real beer!!
Jackson Ferrell breaks your windshield with a soccer ball like he did mine
You have ever said, "You're not going to tell anyone about this are you?"
You're still rocking that Kate Gosselin haircut from YASNI two or three years ago. Way to go you, Contemporary Christian Artist, you.
Nasa can smell your Patchouli oil from outer space.
Your jeans are skinnier than my sister's but sadly, .....You have a penis.
You are putting the Dark Side on notice: You can keep Natalie Maines and Chely Wright but you mess with Princess Carrie and we will go Chewbacca on your ass
Your a dude and have a hard time saying the name "I Dream of Weenie" to others even though you love their hot dogs, and the taste reminds you of college football.
You need the right to bring a gun to work for the next time the tech support guy calls you Triceratops.
You go to see the play Nevermore: An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe at the main library downtown on Jan. 19 & you get showed up by Jeffrey Combs, the actor playing Poe just because your cell phone goes off. & he says: "Your middle name, sir, is Shame." & the patrons in attendance applaude.
You're new album is all about your exes and you call the songs by their full names. LOLZ. ROFL.
You've put a watermelon under your shirt just to get the pregnant discount at Sweet CeCe's. And you're a straight up man.
Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of outdated, wannabe eurotrash hipsters.
PAST WINNERS:
1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton
1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self
1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, "We really kicked y'all's ass in that Desert Storm." —Willie D. Sweet Jr.
1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III
1993: Your church congregation is referred to as "the studio audience." —Sharon Kasserman
1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen
1995: No winner
1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton
1997: You've checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson
1998: You're the only one who doesn't know you're gay. —Diana Hecht
1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey
2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble
2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass
2002: Towns you've never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. —Rick Hagey
2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish
2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella
2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald's instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass
2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams
2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams
2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore
2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher
2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony
2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth
