Not to get all misty-eyed and nostalgic and shit, but do you guys remember back in the day when it actually took a little bit of effort to get your filthy little hands on porn and/or celebrity gossip? Back when "having the Internet on your phone" meant the modem was upside-down, and Entertainment Tonight and the National Enquirer weren't regarded as well-vetted institutes of journalistic integrity? This is also around the time when MTV began experimenting with the format that would ruin television — thanks Real World! — but were still preoccupied with the whole "music" part of "Music Television." They had VJs, and one of them was named Simon Rex.
No, you don't remember that? Well, Rex — spikey-haired dude who was dogged by porn rumors (where did these rumors come from pre-TMZ?) until his appearance in the award-winning Brad Posey's Hot Sessions 3 pretty much sealed the deal. He went on to act in a string of forgettable film — Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth — and TV performances like, um, Jack & Jill. (Wait, was that even a show?) There are also four episodes of Felicity in there, which is awesome 'cause of, y'know, J.J. Abrams and whatnot, but that doesn't really make up for Monarch Cove, the Lifetime telenovella that makes Rex's performance in Hot Sessions 3 seem deep and nuanced by comparison. So yeah, that dude's making rap records now. Go figure.
Dirt Nasty — as Rex is known in the, uh, rap game — peddles that very Hollywood brand of over-sexed, drugged-out porno-rap that was exactly what got Tipper Gore's knickers twisted back in the day. The innocent children she and the Parents Music Resource Center tried to protect are making the same kind of filth, and peddling it to their children's bastard children! It's a vicious cycle! Sex! Drugs! Sexy drugs! Druggy sex! Say whatever else the imaginary 13-year-old reprobate in the back of your brain thinks is hilarious, and if it'll horrify your imaginary 13-year-old's imaginary parents, well, then say that twice!
Or in the case of "My Dick" — the track from his self-titled debut with fellow Dyslexic Speedreaders bandmates Mickey Avalon and Andre Legacy — just keep saying "my dick" over and over again for three minutes. It's juvenile, but it works — if you're the sort of person who ordered Too Short's Short Dog's in the House from Columbia House Record Club and were heartbroken when you got to the censored version of "Ain't Nothin' but a Word to Me," you'll probably appreciate it. If you had to hide your 2 Live Crew tapes from your mom back in the day but don't feel bad about listening to it in front of your kids ('cause it's a classic, right?) you probably won't bemoan lack of intellectual heft or deep meaning. Then again, were you expecting intellectual heft from a dude who started his career as an E-list celebrity and award-winning masturbator? No, you weren't.
Email music@nashvillescene.com.
