Forty percent of being a country music star involves going to awards shows, and whoo boy, is this one the worst (that is, longest). I was warned in advance that this was going to be a slog when I saw my DVR was set to record a 32-hour program, but the true realization of what I was jumping into didn’t hit until they listed off all of the celebrities who would be in attendance last night.
Reba! Kelly Clarkson! Jason Aldean! Spike Lee! Dr. Phil! Dr. Ruth! Babe Ruth! Keith Urban! Marie Antoinette! Ren and Stimpy! A full performance of the 1879 Gilbert and Sullivan classic The Pirates of Penzance presented by State Farm! What I’m saying is, this ruined my Sunday night and I resent every last one of you.
The hosts for the night are Luke Bryan and Blake Shelton. These two will be literally yelling into their mics all night long, because the crowd is so freaking loud.
Keith Urban and Eric Church perform. They play a country song. There is a shot of hot teens in the audience, dancing along, though their boobs are more tastefully framed than usual. This is a family show.
Much like the dedicated comics down at The East Room last week, this show broke a Guinness world record by dint of being the most-attended live awards show in the history of humankind. Very specific! Also, in addition to the real awards tonight, there are seven additional awards essentially celebrating celebrities for being celebrated.
One of those people is George Strait. He plays a country song and a half.
Big and Rich, dressed like Vegas’ fanciest date rapists, are standing next to a truck. They talk about Twitter.
Florida Georgia Line play a country song. Looking at these two makes me realize that country music is a great option for musical people who are also solid 6s on the hotness scale. (Rock music requires you be at least a 7.5. Pop musicians are all 9s.)
Lee Brice is there. He sings a country song for a second, and then introduces Randy Travis, who is dressed like how a movie from the ‘80s set in the future would depict a priest.
We are now 30 MINUTES IN and only just getting to the first award. Song of the Year is “Automatic” by Miranda Lambert.
Sam Hunt sings a song that I suppose qualifies as country. His haircut has transformed me into Hank Hill, because I audibly call him a jackass. I get how cool it would be to be a famous musician, because that means you don’t have to worry about a dress code like a normal person, and part of your job is to look cool. This is not a cool haircut. It is a dumb haircut and it makes me sad.
Tony Romo, a sports guy, “throws a pass” to Luke Bryan. Luke Bryan is not a good actor. Feels like he learned everything he knows about the craft by studying a particularly farcical episode of Saved by the Bell.
Dierks Bentley sings a country song.
The Band Perry presents the award for Vocal Duo of the year. The winner is Dick and Balls, aka Florida Georgia Line.
Miss America, a woman who is never at any point referred to by her human name, says that Miss America promotes womanhood. This nameless person, known only by the title of a contest she won that involves wearing swimsuits, introduces Martina McBride. McBride sings a country song.
Luke Bryan sings a country song. It is a gooberish spectacle.
Reese Witherspoon and Sophia Vegara are there to Promote a Movie. They give Miranda Lambert one of those fake awards for being notable. Lambert sings some country songs. “I don’t know why I’m up here receiving this,” the singer says of her award. I’m glad I’m not the only one baffled by these proceedings.
Alabama is there, looking like Everyone’s Dad. They give the award for Vocal Group of the Year to Little Big Town. I like the song “Day Drinking” because it is about something I believe in.
Jason Aldean sings a country song.
Kelly Clarkson introduces Reba, who is her mother-in-law. Reba sings a country song. Reba is then given her award for receiving a lot of other awards. The award she should have won is the award for making me want Fritos.
Little Big Town sings a country song. It is “Girl Crush,” a song very explicitly about being jealous of a man’s girlfriend and absolutely not about being a lesbian, at all. And even if it WAS it does not matter.
People are stupid.
It is one of approximately three songs that I enjoyed.
Cole Swindell, a name that sounds like someone trying to talk while having a really stuffy nose, sings a country song.
Taylor Swift is very, very famous, so here she is! There is a long intro video about Taylor Swift. Then Taylor Swift’s mom comes out and talks a lot about Taylor Swift. Then Taylor Swift goes up on stage. Taylor Swift says you can tell a lot about people by how they handle news they don’t want to hear, and I thought she was going to comment on her mother being graceful about receiving a cancer diagnosis and how much she loves her mom but NOPE, she talks about how everyone in country music was so chill 2 her, Taylor Swift, when she made a pop record.
Ha.
Thomas Rhett sings a country song.
Blake Shelton sings a country song.
This show is never going to end. I live here now.
Rascal Flatts sing a country song with Christina Aguilera.
Clint Black and Brantley Gilbert present the award for Album of the Year. I start texting and look up to see Miranda Lambert, who must have won for Platinum.
A Famous Widow is there. Weird how your husband gets murdered and now you go to awards show and introduce Garth Brooks! Garth Brooks sings a country song for The Troops.
Dwight Yoakam and Some Guy Named Justin give Cole Swindell the award for New Artist of the Year. All the nominees were Young Men.
There is a Scientology Commercial!
Darius Rucker, Jake Owen, and Jordan Spieth are there and they quickly give the award for Female Vocalist of the Year to Miranda Lambert. “I don’t even realize what’s happening tonight,” says Lambert, further endearing herself to me because I also do not realize.
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Eric Church, a very good name to have in country music, is dressed like Danny Zuko from a rather cheap production of Grease and introduces Kenny Chesney, who — get this — sings a country song. Chesney is also given an award for Being Popular.
Hunter Hayes (short) and Jason Witten (tall) (get it) talk about a child hunger charity (that appears to be a Con Agra tax write-off). Jason Witten says no child should ever go hungry, because he has four kids of his own. I have zero kids but am also against child hunger. I am pretty sure parenthood is not a requirement for being against starving children.
Missus Middle Passage Lady Antebellum, a band whose name consciously and conspicuously romanticizes an era in American History notable primarily for slave ownership, sings a county song.
I will never let that band name go.
This show is Never Going to End.
Brett Eldridge and Beth Behrs (who is on a CBS show) give the award for Single Record of the Year to “I Don’t Dance” by Lee Brice.
Dan + Shay and Nick Jonas and I don’t know what’s going on, at all. Though I will say I always thought it would be Joe and not Nick who is the most famous solo Jonas.
Trisha Yearwood (who is a very good cooking show host, seriously) gives the award for Male Vocalist of the Year. It is given to Jason Aldean. If his name was spelled Al-Dean people would think he was a Muslim and not like him.
Troy Aikman, who is like the third Dallas Cowboy to appear, enters to rapturous applause to … talk about the Oklahoma City Bombing. Jesus.
Because Alan Jackson wrote a 9/11 song, and all terrorism is basically the same (all eyes on Al-Dean here), he sings that song. It is weird as hell and I would code this as an Orange/High on the
Inappropriateness Advisory System.
Brad Paisley sings a country song and he throws his guitar to a dude on the side of the stage so he can play another guitar and it charms me.
Dr. Phil. Whatever.
Keith Urban is wearing a T-shirt I am pretty sure has a picture of John Lennon on it. He intros Brooks and Dunn. Do they sing a county song? They sure do. They are also given a fake award, presented by Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, as all the awards have been tonight. Texas is weird. They thank the fans for making them FAMOUS. I thank them for actually saying it! It is one of the few honest things I have ever heard a famous person say. “Thanks for making us famous.” Haha.
Steven Tyler. My arch-nemesis. FMK: Dr. Phil, Steven Tyler and A Pile of Hair.
F — Pile of Hair
M — Dr. Phil
K — Steven Tyler
Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year. Y’all ever watch Father Ted? He’s like Dougal.
THE END.
Never again.
