The 2016 American County Countdown Awards, Oh Balls

Chris! Chris! Another Chris! A lot of Kix Brooks! Awards based on never-fully-explained radio airplay and sales! That’s right, it’s the American Country Countdown Awards, now country music’s most Los Angeles-based awards show!

They start the night by introducing Jennifer Nettles, Cam and Martina McBride, to celebrate a fantastic year for women in country. Those three are all definitely women in country! It’s like how the past few thousand years have been fantastic for men in general, so here’s Charlemagne, your Uncle Steve and Patrick Duffy! The women sing a song that features the word “SpahettiOs,” as most songs do.

Carrie Underwood presents the first award, to “celebrate the men.” Well, it’s not so much an award as a literal countdown from five to one. We won’t be discussing the losers. Male Vocalist of the Year is Luke Bryan. He’s the one who is popular with moms who think he’s so cute, like a young man, but he’s actually only a couple years younger than them. This is called James Franco Syndrome. The winners are forced to sing a song and then give a speech. “It’s hard to do a speech after you perform,” says Luke Bryan, who is correct.

Host of American Country Countdown Kix Brooks talks for a while, and I’m pretty sure he’s holding everyone in this room hostage.

Sara Evans presents Group Duo of the Year (as opposed to Single Duo?) to Florida Georgia Line. They sing, basically, “Tears in Heaven” but way way way worse. Do you think people are going to sing this song in 10 years? Twenty-five? Fifty? Will Florida Georgia Line gracefully transition into elder statesmen of country music? That’d be something, huh. For their acceptance speech, they thank Jesus Christ and Kevin Neal.

Chris Lane and Canaan Smith (Smith’s parents need to dial it WAY back. Who’s his sister, Moab?) are two white guys, and they introduce Cam by calling her a “super cool chick.” Looking at Cam reminds me that country singers are the only women in entertainment allowed to have curly hair.

Two more (supposedly different) white guys, Chase Bryant and Michael Ray, introduce Cole Swindell by calling him “a songwriter and a great guy.” Fun fact, “Cole Swindell” is also the make and model of a popular line of RVs. “Mom and Dad bought a Cole Swindell, and they’re heading to the Grand Canyon in July.” People are always saying that.

Chris Janson sings a song called “Buy Me a Boat.” He’s wearing a harmonica necklace, which is what we in the writing business call “foreshadowing.”

Jennifer Nettles and Terry Crews (a good sport) come out and talk about Prince for a moment. Rather than playing Prince songs for the rest of the night, they then give the award for Breakthrough Male of the Year to Sam Hunt. This time, though, they count down three people instead of five. This is never explained, or even remarked upon. Sam Hunt is dressed like a member of Color Me Badd whose shirt shrank in the wash.

Next up we have Jana Kramer and Trent Harmon. This Harmon dude looks like a wandering Wild West preacher in secret, tortured love with his married cousin. I’d watch a miniseries about that. They give Song of the Year to “Die a Happy Man” by Thomas Rhett. It’s the kind of song that is probably very popular at rural high school proms. (Source: I attended a rural high school.)

Can I watch Game of Thrones yet?

Luke Wilson is onstage. Now that I think about it, his face kind of looks like a country singer’s face, in that it’s really white and just kind of … there. He gives the award for Female Vocalist of the Year to Carrie Underwood. She is dressed like a beautiful sconce.

Reba McEntire, who goes to every one of these damn things, inducts Brooks and Dunn as "Nash Icons" (sure) and she says this could only happen in America, though I’m willing to bet there’s a South American equivalent duo I’ve never read of racking up music industry awards in Argentina.

Wait, did Kix Brooks just give himself an award, basically? They get to give their speech before singing their song, which seems to be the only useful part of this award.

Maddie and Tae and Scotty (McCreery) present Breakthrough Female of the Year to Kelsea Ballerini. Oh, there’s a whole little bit to this thing where she’s on the phone and then a tweet pops up on screen. 

Two normal people get to go up onstage for Dan + Shay’s performance. Are Dan + Shay the same two white guys who keep showing up? As far as I know, yes.

So You Think You Can Dance’s Paula Abdul and Cat Deeley announce Album of the Year, and it’s Traveller by Chris Stapleton. He’s not there, but rather on tour, which is a fairly good indicator of both his smarts and work ethic.

Martina McBride sings a song called “Reckless,” and it sounds like something that one of MTV’s teen moms would listen to. I bet Maci likes this song. Maci, if you are reading and like this song, please let us know.

Dwight Yoakam, the Tom Petty of Elvis Costellos, gives Artist of the Year to Luke Bryan. I’m very impressed by his success, considering it’s a well-known fact Luke Bryan is just three dogs on their hind legs in a trench coat.

Guess who else got roped into this. Matthew McConaughey! Does the state of Texas make its residents sign a contract saying they’ll make appearances at third-tier country awards shows if they ever want to have success in Hollywood? Anyway, he talks about Merle Haggard, who died less than a month ago, and they keep cutting to his visibly upset widow and, I think, child. Kind of messed up! Toby Keith does a Merle Haggard medley that features some pretty sweet saxophone. Get Toby out of the way and put that sax up front!

So that’s that. Congratulations to the six interchangeable white guys I’m face-blind to and those normies who got pulled onstage. Apologies to everyone else involved, except Kix Brooks, who probably hasn’t let his hostages out of the arena yet.