It is the 2019 Grammy Awards, and you know what that means: A recap! Here it is.
Camila Cabello kicks off the night with her hit “Havana,” and tons of special guest singers. J Balvin! Young Thug! And Ricky Martin is there (Cabello was, like, 2 years old when “Livin’ la Vida Loca” came out), and he’s got a mustache now … the good kind of mustache that makes him look like the louche “other man” from a 1930s screwball comedy about a dance studio.
Alicia Keys is the host this year, and apparently she’s won 482 Grammy Awards over the course of her career. She wears really good, comfortable-yet-sexy looking jumpsuits all night. Early on she brings out some dear dear friends: Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Michelle Obama. They talk about what music meant to them as young women (well, Lopez talks about what dance meant). When Obama starts to speak, they cut to young teen girls crying in admiration and grown men blowing kisses. Correct reactions!
Known Canadian Shawn Mendes sings a duet with Miley Cyrus.
NFL people give, in their words, “a very super award” of Best Pop Duo or Group Performance to Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper! Lady Gaga thanks God. “There can be a hundred Gods in a room …”
There is a one-two performance punch of Kacey Musgraves (who sings “Rainbow”) and Janelle Monáe (“Make Me Feel”), two women who put out two of 2018’s best records. JM is my favorite. She drops the mic.
Keys and John Mayer do a bit reminiscing about all the Grammys they have, and then give Song of the Year to “This Is America.” Donald Glover isn’t there! Smart.
Post Malone’s shit-eating-grin angers my blood too much, so I didn’t pay a lot of attention while he did whatever and Anthony Kiedis did butterfly kicks around the stage with Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Person of the Year is Dolly Parton! Let’s celebrate! Kacey Musgraves and Katy Perry sing “Here You Come Again,” and this dynamic is extremely hilarious. Musgraves’ take-’er-easy, sleepy-bear performance style is the 100-percent exact opposite of Perry’s, who is tackling this song with the energy and verve of someone who just got finished playing Kenickie in Grease and was pushed directly onto another stage. Miley sings “Jolene.” Dolly is there!
They cut to K-pop sensations BTS grooving to Dolly Parton songs. Beautiful. Maren Morris! Little Big Town! They close it out with a big ol’ “9 to 5!”
(“Twang” in the voice — to what degree is it “fake”? Just asking questions.)
H.E.R. gives the first of two ideal Grammy performances of the night. If you’d never heard of H.E.R., she makes an excellent first impression by singing a good song well, performing with dynamism and verve, and throwing some strings and a choir on top. Plus, she plays the guitar, which Grammy people love.
All of the good performances tonight were from women, by the way. The next was from Cardi B with “Money.” She had the finger wave and big 1930s movie musical set, and some sexy burlesque moves and aggressive rapping. She’s a mesmerizing performer, and just generally makes me smile. My love for Cardi B is pure, and she ended the number dressed like a beautiful black peacock. I want this woman to thrive.
Kacey Musgraves wins Best Country Album! I am generally pro-Musgraves.
Alicia Keys is back and decides to just go for it and plays “Maple Leaf Rag” on two pianos, à la Hazel Scott, and I won’t pretend this isn’t my ideal kind of entertainment. More things should be ragtime-y and vaudeville-ish! I guess the theme of this bit is “Songs Alicia Keys likes” or “Songs Alicia Keys wishes she wrote” — it’s pretty unclear, but there are Kings of Leon and Coldplay and Roberta Flack … just all over the place.
Dan + Shay audition for Broadway again, and give Best Rap Song to “God’s Plan!” Drake acted like he wasn’t going to be there, but he is. (If the shoulders on his suit were a little wider, and the waist a little more pinched, he would have looked like a Club Dad circa 1987, and that is fashion I’m here for.) He attempts to give a speech about how Grammys don’t matter, but let’s move on to …
The Diana Ross Segment.
Her 9-year-old grandson introduces her, and does the dance from the video game. It is very cute. She sings all the hits, and then at the end jumps up and down and says “Happy birthday to me!” Her birthday is on March 26. It’s great.
Lady Gaga sings “Shallow,” and at the end does all these fun little kicks that remind me of Sally O’Malley from SNL a generation ago.
Travis Scott performs with James Blake and Earth, Wind and Fire. Just stating facts!
I’m so tired, and yet Smokey Robinson and Alicia Keys are still doing a thing.
When you think of the joy and exuberance of early Motown, I know you think of one artist: Jennifer Lopez. This was a very weird thing! She is one of America’s most Zoolander-faced celebrities, second only to Victoria Beckham in terms of my wondering if I’ve ever seen them smile. So they hired a dancer who can kinda sing to do a Motown medley, and it was exactly as good as you’d expect. (Not great.)
BTS presents Best R&B album to H.E.R.! “Good for her,” I say to the television, sincerely.
Brandi Carlile singing “The Joke” was the night’s other perfect performance. Jesus Christ, that knocked me down!
Chloe x Halle sing, and give Best Rap Album to Cardi B. She’s crying and so clearly overwhelmed. I continue to be happy for her and wish nothing but the best.
Dua Lipa and St. Vincent perform and are very, very sexy. When you do an “ooh, two sexy ladies” gay thing, it helps if at least one of those ladies is at least kinda gay. The overall vibe of this was the episode of Broad City where Ilana dates her doppelganger. Bob Newhart gives Dua Lipa a Grammy! She didn’t even pick it up or anything, but boy did she talk. Everyone (EVERYONE) made the band play ’em off tonight.
I’m still so tired, and they’re now talking about how many Grammy museums there are. There are, like, seven full minutes of this.
Yolanda Adams, Fantasia and Sandra Day perform a tribute to Aretha Franklin.
“This Is America” wins Record of the Year, and even though Donald Glover isn’t there, producer Ludwig Göransson is. This is the first and only person to mention 21 Savage all night.
Kacey Musgraves wins Album of the Year thanks to Golden Hour, and she brings her purse onstage! Relatable. This year wasn’t 100 percent terrible! Just cut it down by two-and-a-half hours and double down on ragtime for 2020, is my advice. See you next year!!
