For the first time in years, I didn’t have DVR access, so I had to watch the show live! Sadly, I missed the first five minutes, which means I missed Darius Rucker and Keith Urban and friends singing “Hold My Hand.” Apparently there was a hootenanny. Hootie-nanny. The stage looks like a restaurant in the Gulch.
Hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood talk briefly about the avalanche of atrocities we’ve dealt with this year — Las Vegas, Texas, Charlottesville, the hurricanes. And except for an absolutely gutting in memoriam segment that included the victims in Las Vegas — just dozens and dozens and dozens of faces — that was pretty much it. No deep conversations tonight. What a shock.
They do the politically-based pun songs. Hold me closer, Bernie Sanders. Stand by your Manafort. The thing I liked was “Before He Tweets,” because I agree with the message. They talk about the personal lives of many of the stars in the crowd, and hey, Pink is there! Everyone pronounces it “Pank” for the remainder of the night.
Sexy Disney villains Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are there to ... honor (?) Brad and Carrie for hosting this thing for 10 fucking years now — a decade. They make jokes about Barbie dolls? Later, Pank will sing a song called “Barbie.”
Two of the actresses from Pitch Perfect 3 come out to present the award for Single of the Year. Which actresses? Not the ones you’re thinking of, I promise. Keith Urban wins the award for “Blue Ain’t Your Color.” His hair is like Joan Jett hair and he’s wearing what I believe to be a glittery bodycon tuxedo.
Thomas Rhett, dressed like an extra on Riverdale, sings a song called “Told You I Was Gonna Marry You ‘Cause I’m the Boss.” I think this song references Coldplay — a beloved country band. Hey, guys, does Thomas Rhett have, like, giant tree-monster hands? Maybe it was the angle?
Next up: Bobby Bones, Lord of the Bones, who lives in a Femur Castle on Skull Mountain, and the host of Movie Night With Karlie Kloss on Freeform, Karlie Kloss. Plus some other guys. They give the award for Song of the Year to Karlie’s friend, Taylor Swift. She wrote a song and Little Big Town sang it: “Better Man.” Taylor Swift, of course, is most definitely not there. “Thank you for loving songs,” Little Big Town says to Taylor. I also love songs, and never get any thanks for it.
Dierks Bentley, Rascall Flatts (the band that is your stepdad) and Eddie Montgomery perform in honor of Troy Gentry, who died in a helicopter crash earlier this year.
Then it’s Kelsea Ballerini’s duet with Reba McEntire. This performance is art-directed as fuck. My notes here say “Blood, Sweat and High-Beams.” Lyrics? Unclear. I really missed being able to rewind! Regardless, I’m happy to report that Reba is very much Reba, and she Reba’d all over the place.
Luke Bryan performs next. “CMAs! Let’s light it up tonight!” He sings a late-’90s R&B ballad. He’s wearing a denim jacket, except I think it’s leather. It’s a leather jacket cut and designed like denim. Maybe pleather? I don’t know.
Meanwhile, outside the arena …
Sturgill Simpson busks with his Grammy in his guitar case, and collects $13 that he’s donating to the ACLU.
Back inside, it’s Miranda Lambert. I like her! She sings a pretty old-fashioned country ballad. The microphone, also old-fashioned, is about the size of her head.
Jason Ritter and JoAnna Garcia Swisher are there. They give the award for New Artist of the Year to John Pardi, who is dressed as one giant black sequin. It’s a much better look than a denim leather jacket. In fact, most of the men this evening are quite well-dressed! Unlike other musicians, and especially actors, male country stars are allowed to wear bright colors and sequins and not have their masculinity questioned in any way.
Guess who it is! Garth Brooks. And don’t forget, we’re only about two years away from the 20th anniversary of the greatest moment in pop culture history: When Garth Brooks hosted SNL, and Chris Gaines was the musical guest. I’m not being snide or ironic. I watched that episode live, and it has lived in my brain lo these 20 years.
Recently, my mom made one of Trisha Yearwood’s recipes and sent a picture — here it is.
Looks delicious! Am I sucking up because I want to talk to Garth about Saturday Night Live? Yes. You’d do the same if you knew how great that episode was.
Moving on! The Brothers Osborne do the song with a lot of clapping. I like that song! Then they do a Don Williams song.
Tyler Perry is looking really good these days! He talks about Charley Pride, and the whole entire audience of white people stands up and applauds when Perry says we all need to find common ground.
Album of the Year goes to Chris Stapleton.
Tim and Faith sing a song. Can anyone actually describe Tim McGraw’s face? Like, if you saw him rob a bank and were trying to give the cops a description, could you do it? I don’t know what I’d say. “No, he’s a little more sinewy than that. I think.” Faith is very proud of her right leg, and I don’t blame her. It’s a very good leg — all the bones and muscles appear to be there.
Brad Paisley in a camo tux (?) introduces Pank. She does a performance “in the round,” which means circle. Nothing but the best analysis from me, a professional music writer. You know, Pink has been famous for almost twenty years. Not only that, she basically decided to become an aerialist on top of being a pop star.
CARRIE. UNDERWOOD’S. NEXT. DRESS. My grandma texted me about it. It’s a normal dress on top, and literally a box on the bottom. You could play chess on it. She welcomes Old Dominion. The singer does a cuss.
“Oh shit!” I said when “Wichita Lineman” happened. Glen Campbell was good — I’m brave enough to say it. Little Big Town sang and Jimmy Webb played piano.
Next up, Sugarland, which is I guess just two people? Is that allowed? If you’re two people, you have to use your names. Three or more people is a band and then you can make up something new. I don’t make the rules, folks. Vocal Duo of the year is Brothers Osborne. They look like tricksters who force you to answer a riddle before they hand over the gold which you seek.
Country hero Chris Stapleton sings a cover of “Jungle Love.” That’s not true — but imagine if he did. Like, in Stapleton Style. I will personally hand over an IOU for a thousand dollars to Stapleton if he has the guts to do that. Maren Morris and Niall Horan! He was in One Direction. “Why doesn’t anyone wash their hair?” I asked. I’m not “cool,” I’m just a woman in her 30s who takes a shower every day.
What’s-her-face from Glee and Brett Eldredge and Another Guy give Vocal Group of the Year to Little Big Town! Or, as my colleague Stephen Trageser described them, Richard Branson’s ABBA. I love Little Big Town. They all seem stoned and/or woke. The blonde literally quotes Maya Angelou. They’re the big winners of tonight, after Sturgill.
Brad Paisley is back. “What’s his shirt say?” I ask Trageser. “Unit?” He replies: “I think it says ‘Unity.’” He was right.
Fun fact about Jon Pardi: Kevin Bacon taught him how to dance in Footloose.
Then I wasn’t paying attention and Some People sing “Get Together” by The Youngbloods. Is this supposed to be encouraging?
Keith Urban sings his new song, “Female.” I prefer this version.
Female Vocalist of the Year is Miranda Lambert. She’s the same age as me but MUCH more successful — I’m not jealous at all. Congrats, it’s winding down! Here are more people: Eric Church, Ashley McBryde, Trisha Yearwood, Chris Stapleton wins Male Vocalist of the Year, Alan Jackson sings a song, Reba again to give Garth Entertainer of the Year. Garth, no fool, thanks his crew.
Alan Jackson closes the show wearing blue jeans I’m sure have been tailored. And, scene.
