Advice King: Who Should I Vote For?

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.


Dear Advice King,

I am an undecided voter. Who should I vote for in November?

—Fran in Moline, Ill.

I really don’t recommend using a shampoo and conditioner “in one.” It doesn’t make any sense. They’re two different things. You wouldn’t use a “flashlight and orange juice in one,” would you? Of course not. I don’t think they make a “flashlight and orange juice." But you know what I mean, Larry.

Oh shit. I’m sorry, I just woke up from a nightmare, and I was confused, Fran. I thought your name was Larry and you wanted to know if I recommended using a “shampoo and conditioner in one.”

You’re probably wondering what my nightmare was, huh? I dreamt that the president of the United States awarded Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom in the middle of his State of the Union address. I have to stop drinking coffee before I go to bed! It makes my dreams really, really, really, really, really dumb — and frightening. Did I mention dumb? Let me just check the news to make sure ...

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I also dreamt that the president wore a ton of orange makeup and his son-in-law was in charge of America’s Middle East policy.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I also dreamt that he banned people from 11 countries from traveling to the United States, and that those countries were Muslim-majority and full of people of color. And that he called several other countries with largely non-white populations “shithole countries.” And I dreamt that he said that Nigerians who come to America would “never go back to their huts.” 

I dreamt that he called a political opponent “Pocahontas” at a ceremony honoring the Native American code talkers of World War II. I dreamt that this man never served in the military, but said, “I like people who weren’t captured,” referring to a political opponent who was held as a prisoner of war and tortured.

I dreamt that he had been accused of sexual misconduct by 25 women.

I dreamt that one of his top advisers was a white supremacist.

I dreamt that he allowed Turkey to slaughter the Kurds.

I dreamt that his racist attorney general instituted a “zero tolerance” policy at the southern border of the United States, which resulted in thousands of children of color (including infants) being taken from their parents, on purpose, as a penalty for them attempting to immigrate here. And I dreamt that the United States deported the parents. And I dreamt that the United States kept the kids. And I dreamt that the United States did not keep track of where the parents ended up. And I dreamt that the United States didn’t keep track of where the children ended up. And I dreamt that the children would never be reunited with their parents. Ever.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

And finally, I dreamt that this president’s supporters did not like when people compared this president to Hitler. And I dreamt that they really didn’t like it when people compared them to Hitler’s supporters. This part of the nightmare was terrifying and confusing. 

Hitler blamed Jews for Germany’s problems. He said he would make Germany great again. Once the German economy started to do better, Hitler’s supporters ignored the Jews in the cages

This American president blamed immigrants for America’s problems. He said he would make America great again. Once the American economy started to do better, his supporters ignored the travel ban, the stolen children, and the immigrants in the cages

They are pretty fucking similar.

OPEN YOUR EYES.

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." —God* 

Vote to save the soul of America, Fran. 

Vote to love thy neighbor.

Vote for human rights.

Vote for ANYONE besides Donald Trump. 

I swear to do the same.

*Matthew 5:5

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