Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
How do I stop my boyfriend from flirting with random women at the dog park?
—Beatrice in Los Angeles
Have your boyfriend neutered.
Just kidding — that’s illegal! You are only supposed to neuter animals, Beatrice.
I wonder what kind of dog you have. If it’s a big dog you could train it to rip the ass out of your boyfriend’s pants every time you get jealous. The attack word could be “insecure.” I’m assuming you and your boyfriend have a dog. If you do not, and this guy just hangs around dog parks, you should break up with him immediately.
Legally “neuter” him with antidepressants. One of the main side effects of antidepressants is decreased sex drive. If he isn’t depressed, MAKE him depressed.
What does he talk to these women about? I went to the dog park when I was single (WITH a dog), and I could never get anything going. Here’s a play I wrote about trying to flirt with women in the dog park:
"DOG PARK ON A HOT TIN ROOF"
EXTERIOR, DOG PARK — 2006
ME: How old is your dog?
LADY: 8.
—THE END—
Does your boyfriend have a “man bun”?* If your boyfriend has a “man bun” you should not let him go ANYWHERE, including dog parks. Cut that thing off while he is sleeping (the bun, that is) because it is not a hairstyle, it is a hairy invitation. A “man bun” is the male equivalent of a lower-back tattoo — a lower-back tattoo says “NOW BOOKING SECRET SEX PARTIES.” I’m surprised they don’t have man bun dispensers in the bathrooms of highway gas stations.
Tell him that if he can’t “keep it in his pants” he has to wait in the car.
Refer to it as the “dong park. “Are we going to the DONG park? You sure are chatty at the DONG park.”
Stop going to the dog park.
Get rid of the dog.
Get rid of your boyfriend.
Get rid of the dog and your boyfriend.
Burn down the dog park.
Feed your boyfriend to the dog.
Go into the convent.
Here's a bonus question!
Dear Advice King,
How do I keep my dog from eating the shit out of the cat box?
—Dean in Evansville, Ill.
Whenever he or she does it, say stuff like, “Bad dog! What the hell are you doing? That’s cat shit! Are you crazy?” Or, “I expect better from you! You need to stop eating shit! Do you want me to tell all the other dogs in the neighborhood that you eat cat shit? This is intolerable!”
Monitor the dog closely. As soon as it begins eating shit, play an Eric Clapton record. Repeat this process until the behavior stops. If the dog does not stop eating shit, it is probably deaf. Fun fact: 80 percent of human Eric Clapton fans eat cat shit.
*For the benefit of my older readers, “man bun” is a modern slang term used to describe a hair bun worn by a man.
