Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I live in East Nashville, and lately all these people are showing up on my doorstep asking me to sign a petition about train horns. Some petitions are AGAINST train horns, and some are FOR train horns. Which one should I sign? I wanna be on the right side of the tracks, and history.
-Thomas
OK. This is a real fucking thing, people. The guy who wrote this question is trying to be funny by calling himself “Thomas,” but this is a real fucking thing that is REALLY happening in Nashville. Some white person who doesn’t like noise bought a house near the train tracks, and now they want the trains to stop blowing their horns. And here’s the kicker: This person — from Los Angeles, naturally — bought this house by the train tracks A YEAR AGO.
There are a lot of affordable houses in Nashville that aren’t near train tracks, by the way. Thousands of ‘em. They just aren’t in East Nashville. But all the trendy fools who are moving to Nashville from New York and Los Angeles have to live in EAST NASHVILLE, because that’s the neighborhood all the magazines talk about. They HAVE TO. What would their lousy friends think if they didn’t?
Because of the huge demand, East Nashville houses have gotten pretty fucking expensive. EXCEPT FOR THE ONES BY THE TRAIN TRACKS. So this Los Angeles person has a ghoulish thought: “What if I buy a cheap house by the railroad tracks and then use my white privilege to TURN OFF THE TRAIN HORNS?!?” Most people would have a thought like that and say to themselves, “What a terrible thought. I should see a psychiatrist and try to find out why I get these diabolical thoughts. I bet I get them because my parents told me ‘NO’ all the time.” Some people get told "NO" all the time when they are kids, and then when they grow up, they decide they will NEVER TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER AGAIN. Even if the question is a crazy one, like “Can I turn off the train horns?”
It could also have been the exact opposite situation. This person’s parents might have only said "YES." Maybe this person always hated noise. Maybe they said, “Daddy, the birds are loud! Turn off the birds, Daddy!” and their dad got a net and captured all the birds and then built a dome over the house. That would explain a lot.
This person knows that silencing the train horns will make the value of their property go up. It will make the price of houses and rent in that neighborhood go up. When this happens, the people who live near the train tracks now will have to move. Where are they going to move? Why should they have to move?! YOU should move, person. You got there last. You moved into that neighborhood knowing you didn’t like trains. Why? Because of diabolical thoughts, that’s why. That neighborhood belongs to the people who moved there honestly, understanding — and possibly appreciating — that horns were part of the package. Train horns are EVERYBODY’S, not yours.
One more thing: This isn’t free. These anti-horn creeps need $1.5 MILLION in taxpayer dollars to solve this non-problem. That’s right, folks — it turns out you can’t just “turn off the train horns.” Train horns actually serve a fucking purpose. Turns out trains are REAL things that REALLY run smaller things over if those smaller things don’t hear a horn and get out of the fucking way. It will cost $1.5 million to put the safety measures in place that would replace the horns. Does this person know that there is serious poverty in East Nashville? Children with empty stomachs live right near those same fucking train tracks, and train horns are the least of their worries. Give THEM $1.5 million. I’m sorry, but this makes me mad.
I bet a large percentage of these people don’t even know why trains exist.
East Nashville Anti-Horn Idiot: “Trains are so weird and loud! What do they, like, carry stuff or whatever?”
I can guarantee you this Los Angeleno’s plans don’t stop with the horns: First ban the horns, then ban the trains, then ban ugly people. I can picture some white asshole in 2019 creating the Facebook invite for Sunday afternoon “Yoga on the Tracks.”
Sign the petition to keep the horns, “Thomas.” Sign it twice. Hank Williams never wrote a song about yoga.
